Please rate my last essay before taking IELTS on the 9th of January

[abbasazarmehrput]

What are the reasons of committing a crime in the world? How could this be resolved?

Nowadays, the crime rate has increased dramatically in the world. It is believed that poverty and playing violent games are main reasons behind committing a crime. Some solutions in order to tackle these challenges will also be elaborated in this essay.

Being under poverty line and playing extreme games could be two main precursors of not upholding the law. For example, the rate of crime in rural areas of Iran is higher than urban areas. Peasants who fail to afford the cost of living migrate to cities to find a well-paid steady job. They would probably fail to find a job to support their families and turn to crime because they lack any qualifications to get a job. In addition to that, children who play violent video games are more likely to be juvenile delinquents than those who do not play those kind of games. This makes it clear that poverty and violent games could be the causes of violating the law. Therefore, something should be done to stop this.

Introducing a scheme to partially finance the disadvantaged and strict parental control could be plausible solutions to this problem. For instance, essential commodities like cooking oil, rice and red meat are provided by Sweden government for the underprivileged. As a result, majority of poor people discouraged to disobey the law, and the number of shoplifting from super markets in Sweden has decreased dramatically since this scheme implemented. Additionally, parents should restrict and control children while they are working with computers. This makes it clear that assisting the poor and limiting computers access could be practical solutions to this problem.

To sum up, it is felt that playing extreme games and being under poverty line are at the roots of not obeying the law. These challenges could be tackled by helping the disadvantaged and controlling children when they play with computers. It is predicted that the crime rate would shrink due to the initiatives taken by governments the world over.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Poverty - I think you'll have to develop this point a lot more. Most poor people are NOT criminals and some rich people are.

Violent games - Contrary to popular belief, there is no real evidence of this. Besides, define a 'violent' game. I still love PacMan!

The Swedish scheme only suggests how one type of crime could be reduced.

Explain how limiting computer access would work.

Overall, I would say very weak ideas combined with limited vocabulary (in terms of being able to explain a coherent point of view).

All the best,
David