task 2 Retirement age (working on band 7.5)

[raghadmamd]

People should be allowed to continue working for as long as they want to, and not be forced to retire at a particular age such as 60 or 65.
Do you agree or disagree?

Specifying retirement age is controversial in recent decades especially in the developed countries with the increase in the human lifespan. For many, they agree that people should continue work given that they are healthy and can tolerate work burdens while others believe that fixed retirement age is a must. In this essay, I will explain both points of view and propose my opinion.

A growing number of people agree that due to the huge improvement in science and health, the average lifespan of human has increased and moreover their fitness level has become better. Based on this fact, they believe that there are no limits for age to work. I agree to some extent to this viewpoint, that in some particular cases, we really in need of highly experienced professionals. Such as judges, advisors and consultants in specialized fields. Another great example is Magdy Yacoub, he is an Egyptian cardio-thoracic surgeon who has worked for more than 40 years in western countries, in his eighties, he returned back to Egypt to open a highly specialized cardiac centre. His aim is not only free treatment for poor people but also training of fresh-graduated physicians.

Turning to the other side of the argument, many of the people argue that the retirement is the must in countries with higher unemployment rate because this will give room to new generations to have a job opportunity. Another benefit for the elderly themselves is that they will have the rest they deserve after a long journey of stressful work-life.

To sum up, I agree to the opinion of fixed age of retirement to allow young people to find jobs, with some exceptions as expertise and judges.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Overall, a good essay, but the second paragraph and conclusion need development. With the second main paragraph this is obvious from the length. In the summary, you mention 'expertise', but isn't there a certain level of expertise in all jobs?

All the best,
David

[raghadmamd]

Thanks so much, you are really amazing.
I have a clarification, In an opinion essay, we have an opinion to one point of views so sometimes I write a longer paragraph. or even two paragraphs on the side that I agree with it. Is it wrong and we have to balance both of them.
Regards