Please evaluate my writing task 2 and give valuable comments.

[prinks056]

Some people think that public health is the responsibility of the government while others think that people should be responsible for their own health.
Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

With the rising population, the demand for better healthcare, sports facilities and health education has been increasing tremendously. A nation can’t flourish without better healthcare and education system. Some people believe that public health is the responsibility of the government, as people pay taxes while others argue that an individual should be responsible for his/her own health. This essay will discuss that if public health is the responsibility of the Government or people should be responsible for their own health.

On one hand, people pay taxes to the Government in the form of income tax, value added tax, property tax. It is the responsibility of the Government to provide better medical facilities and education to the people. This will not only help the people who pay taxes but also the poor people who cannot afford to go to private hospitals. For instance, the Government of India eradicated polio by creating awareness through education programs and providing improved medical facilities to the people of India. This example clearly shows that the Government plays a key role in facilitating better public health.

On the other hand, it is believed that individuals should be responsible for their own health. Some people work hard and pay more taxes while others who are jobless hardly pay any taxes, but get all the health benefits provided by the government. In addition, it is difficult for the government to provide health services to the ever growing population. So, individuals should be responsible for their own health.

Therefore, I believe that public health is the responsibility of the Government, as people pay taxes for the basic health services. A Government public health system will also help poor and homeless people who can’t afford to avail basic medical facilities.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Prinks!
Generally, this is very good, but be careful (again!) with language. Look at the last sentence of your second main paragraph and the first sentence of your conclusion. I'm confused! In the second main paragraph, why might wealthy people benefit from paying for poor people to have access to health facilities? To put it another way, why has the West been paying for health facilities in poor countries for decades?
All the best,
David

[prinks056]

Thanks for your feedback.So what should I add in the second paragraph to make it more clear? And how much band would you give me for this writing task ?

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Prinks!
As I said, try to think of how poor people getting healthier benefits richer people - it does and in many ways!
1. business, employees, customers
2. disease doesn't respect wealth - rich people can die of (e.g.) cholera too!
3. creation of a better society (e.g. Zuckerberg, Gates)
Pretty easy, my friend!
David