Pls grade it - entertainers are paid too much $-argument

[rairaichan0323]

Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop, musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid?

In a modern city, majority of celebrities could get higher salaries than others, especially entertainers. While some people feel that they are receiving incredibly remuneration, it is disagreed that they had got exorbitant wages. This argument will be analyzed why they can have such a high payment by looking at how they can be reputed their countries.

Firstly, it is an undeniable fact that the celebrities represent their countries and they can promote their nations throughout the world. For instance, the famous soccer player – David Beckham who is the most famous player. He can be an idol of the British and attract numerous tourists to visit England. This makes it clear that the nation can create great profits by those famous performers. As this shows that those celebrities are worth to receive reasonable payments.

Secondly, it is contended that except entertainers, scientists should also get high wages due to they contribute great efforts to the global. To illustrate, in 2003, SARS disease was widespread around the world. Scientists were quick to explore a new drug to stem this virus. Thus, the world had been protected by their enormous contributions. It is obvious from this that scientists should also have incredibly compensations.

By way of conclusion, following look at how entertainers and scientists can be reputed their nations and guard the world, it is proven that they are worth to receive extremely high incomes. Also, it seems highly advisable for the public to constantly motivate them to make contributions to the global by paying vast earnings.

[durai]

In a modern city, why modern city? use something like" In this entertainment world majority of celebrities are getting ( could means they are not getting but deserve to get such high salary, use words carefully) higher salaries than others, especially entertainers. here you changed the whole theme with mentioning entertainers as others, you worded wrong are getting higher salaries than others such as teachers, nurses, scientists. While some people feel that they are receiving incredibly remuneration, it is disagreed that they had got exorbitant wages. grammatically wrong, use simple words to write your thesis. Although some believe that it is not justified, I argue that it is completely fair to pay such huge amount of money This argument will be analyzed why they can have such a high payment by looking at how they can represent their countries.

Firstly, it is an undeniable fact that the celebrities represent their countries and they can promote promote what? incomplete , technically its called a fragment; if you have fragments, then examiner won't be impressed and affects grammar, CC their nations throughout the world. For instance, the famous soccer player – David Beckham who is the most famous player again incomplete, just re-read your essay many times. He can wrong usage of verb 'can' you can say "he is the idol of British ..." be an idol of the British and attract numerous tourists to visit remove ' visit' the meaning is clear without the word" England. This makes it clear that the nation can make profits by those famous entertainers. As this shows that those celebrities are worth to receive reasonable payments.

Secondly, it is contended that except entertainers, scientists should also get high wages due to the fact that they contribute great efforts to the global. To illustrate, in 2003, SARS disease was widespread around the world. Scientists were quick to explore a new drug to stem this virus. thereby protected human from dying. From this, it is obvious that scientists deserve salary on par with entertainers In this, you said the other jobs which should have high salary, but your linking word firstly, secondly is not used appropriately. In the first supporting paragraph, you may start with " To begin with" when you start second one, start as "In addition to entertainers, in my opinion, scientists should have good package.

By following look at how entertainers and scientists can represent their nations and guard try different word? the world, it is proven that they are worth to receive extremely high incomes. Also, it seems highly advisable for the public to constantly motivate them by paying high salaryto make contributions to their nation

hi, you wordings are wrong in many instances and fragments which are a disaster ; try to make meaning full sentences and frame structure for the question.
I am afraid that the above essay may not get you band 7 ( its only my suggestion)

[rairaichan0323]

thank you Durai!!