Please assess my essay - writing task 2

[ieltslearner]

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead.
To what extent do you agree with this statement?


There is a perception that state investment in the area of arts and culture, such as music and theater, is a waste of funds and the money should be utilized in serving the public instead. I disagree with this assertion and would argue that government funds are not totally put to waste if invested in arts and entertainment.

Government funding in areas of public service is a necessity and often one of the primary objectives within the national budget framework. Firstly, the funds should be utilized to provide food and housing for the homeless. Recent studies have revealed that in America alone, there are 1 in 10 people who are deprived of the basic necessities of food and shelter. Secondly, healthcare is another area of concern, especially in the developing countries. For example, in Africa, a vast majority of the population struggle to receive proper medical attention due to poverty and proper funding should be put in place to overcome this problem.

Despite funding to provide better services for the public, arts and entertainment deserve government attention as well. To begin with, entertainment is a source of comfort and brings relief from the stresses of everyday life for most people. For instance, families can visit the theater to watch a cultural program or a movie show together to refresh themselves from a hectic week of work. Furthermore, arts and entertainment assist in preserving the cultural heritage of a country. To illustrate, people are well accustomed to the Maori ‘Haka’ dance in New Zealand due to government promotion of Maori cultural shows in theaters across the country. This in turn helps to attract tourists and increases the revenue for the nation.

To conclude, even though state capital should be made available to serve the citizens better, investment in the area of arts and entertainment should not be overlooked altogether.

(307 words)

[Gin]

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead.
To what extent do you agree with this statement?


There is a perception that state investment in the area of arts and culture, such as music and theater, is a waste of funds and the money should be utilized in serving the public instead. I disagree with this assertion and would argue that government funds are not totally put to waste if invested in arts and entertainment.

Government funding in areas of public service is a necessity and often one of the primary objectives within the national budget framework. Firstly, the funds should be utilized to provide food and housing for the homeless. Recent studies have revealed that in America alone, there are 1 in 10 people who are deprived of the basic necessities of food and shelter. Secondly, healthcare is another area of concern, especially in the developing countries. For example, in Africa, a vast majority of the population struggle to receive proper medical attention due to poverty and proper funding should be put in place to overcome this problem.

Despite funding to provide better services for the public, arts and entertainment deserve government attention as well. To begin with, entertainment is a source of comfort and brings relief from the stresses of everyday life for most people. For instance, families can visit the theater to watch a cultural program or a movie show together to refresh themselves from a hectic week of work. Furthermore, arts and entertainment assist in preserving the cultural heritage of a country. To illustrate, people are well accustomed to the Maori ‘Haka’ dance in New Zealand due to government promotion of Maori cultural shows in theaters across the country. This in turn helps to attract tourists and increases the revenue for the nation.

To conclude, even though state capital should be made available to serve the citizens better, investment in the area of arts and entertainment should not be overlooked altogether.

(307 words)

Gửi từ 1201 của tôi bằng cách sử dụng Tapatalk

[ieltslearner]

Not sure what that means @Gin

[roderick]

Very good in general. The only concern is the number of words.
Perhaps you can try to use a more high-level vocabulary to get a better score.


There is a perception that state investment in the area of arts and culture, such as music and theater, is a waste of funds and the money should be utilized in serving the public instead. I disagree with this assertion and would argue that government funds are not totally put to waste if invested in arts and entertainment.

Government funding in areas of public service is a necessity and often one of the primary objectives within the national budget framework. Firstly, the funds should be utilized to provide food and housing for the homeless. Recent studies have revealed that in America alone, there are 1 in 10 people who are deprived of the basic necessities of food and shelter. Secondly, health care is another area of concern, especially in the developing countries. For example, in Africa, a vast majority of the population struggle to receive proper medical attention due to poverty and proper funding should be put in place to overcome this problem.

Despite funding to provide better services to the public, arts and entertainment deserve government attention as well. To begin with, entertainment is a source of comfort and brings relief from the stresses of everyday life for most people. For instance, families can visit the theater to watch a cultural program or a movie show together to refresh themselves from a hectic week of work. Furthermore, arts and entertainment assist in preserving the cultural heritage of a country. To illustrate, people are well accustomed to the Maori ‘Haka’ dance in New Zealand due to government promotion of Maori cultural shows in theaters across the country. This, in turn, helps to attract tourists and increases the revenue for the nation.

To conclude, even though state capital should be made available to serve the citizens better, investment in the area of arts and entertainment should not be overlooked altogether.

[ieltslearner]

Thanks Roderick. Appreciate that. Would you be able to suggest some vocabulary that could be used in this essay?