task2 < old vs young>

[durai]

It is expected that proportion of old people will be higher than young people in the future.
Is it positive or negative trend?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Over the last decade, due to advanced medical facilities, individuals are prolonging their life for a certain period. As a result, there will be a higher proportion of olderpeople than young ones in the future. To my mind, this trend will have both positive and negative effects on the society.

On the one hand, the more the old people the more, the employment opportunities for the future young generation. This means that there is an intense competition among young individuals who are considerably in a higher ratio than the old people, and half of them left without a job. To take Australia as an example, the proportion of adults is more than the retired people, and thus many of the adults are jobless. If there is a lower percentage of young people, then all of them would have been employed, and thus beneficial to the society.

On the other hand, the country’s economy will be affected if there is a larger number of old people compared to adults. This is because the government has to provide pension for the old people who retire after a particular age. For instance, in Denmark, among the total population of around 80000, pensioners are approximately 40000, and now the government is struggling to fund the money to those retirees. Thus, it is clear that the higher ratio of old people would have negative effect to the country’s economy.

From this essay, it can be concluded that job opportunities for the young and the economic downturn is the benefit and drawback of having a higher percentage of old people respectively. It is hoped that governments would find at least linear solution to curb the drawbacks of such trend.

[allen_zhang]

Hi Durai,
Task response seems good. one positive and one negative are presented.
FYI:
A phrase "aging/aged society" can be used in this essay.
"senior citizens" can be used to replace "old people"

It is expected that proportion of old people will be higher than young people in the future.
Is it positive or negative trend?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Over the last decade, due to advanced medical facilities, individuals are prolonging their life for a certain period. As a result, there will be a higher proportion of old people than young ones in the future. To my mind, this trend has both positive and negative effects on society.

#1 Why you always use:"over the last decade"? Are you sure that all these problems are happened in the last decade?
#2 I think that besides the advancement in medical science, the decrease of birthrate could be another cause of an aged society.
#3 "individuals are prolonging their life for a certain period". I would like to word it like:"people can have a longer life span than before" or "the life expectancy of people is longer than before"



On the one hand, the more the old people the more, the employment opportunities for the future young generation. This means that there is an intense competition among young individuals who are considerably in a higher ratio than the old people, and half of them left without a job.
#1 How could you draw such a conclusion - half of them left without a job? You don't have an example here.
#2 sentence one doesn't mean that there is an intense competition among young people.
#3 Actually, the ratio of young adults(20 - 60) is higher than old people( >60) almost in any society. the point is not which one is higher, but which one is growing.


To take Australia as an example, the proportion of young adults old people are also adults is more(bigger?higher? ) than the retired people, and thus many of the young adults are jobless. If there is a lower percentage of young people, then all of them would have been employed, and thus beneficial to the society. I would not say:"half of them left without a job". I would say:"the unemployment problem could be mitigated "


On the other hand, a country’s economy will be affected if there is a larger number of old people compared to adults.

#1 again, the problem is not because "more old people than more working adults". the problem is "the proportion of old people are growing".

This is because the government has to provide pension for the old people who retire after a certain age. For instance, in Denmark, among the total population of around 80000, pensioners are approximately 40000, and now the government is struggling to fund the money to those retirees. fund money to? Thus, it is clear that the higher ratio of old people would have negative effect to the country’s economy.

From this essay, it can be concluded that job opportunities for the young and the economic downturn is the benefit and drawback of having a higher percentage of old people respectively. It is hoped that governments would find at least linear solution to curb the drawbacks of such trend.
# at least linear? I don't think that use "at least" and "linear" together is a good idea

I'll write my version later.

[akr2200]

Bro you'll get more than 7.5 Don't worry

[allen_zhang]

sorry, I just read the topic question again. It does say that " that proportion of old people will be higher than young people in the future ".
please ignore relevant comments above.

[allen_zhang]

My answer:

It is true that due to the decrease of birthrate and longer life expectancy, many societies such as Europe, Japan and China are facing the problem of aging society. It is even expected that in some societies, there will be more old people (60 plus age group) than young adults (20 to 60 age group) in the near future. This trend has both negative and positive effects on these societies.

On the one hand, the dropping of the ratio of young people in a society could ease the problem of high unemployment rate which is now serious in many countries. To take China as an example, the baby boom which happened between 1960s and 1980s has now posed a tremendous pressure on the employment in China. After 1980s, The Chinese government enacted the One-child-Policy and it is now seeing a decrease in the percentage of young adults. As a result, it can be expected that the high unemployment problem will disappear in China very soon. From this example, it is clear that an aged society is less likely to have unemployment problem.

On the other hand, when a society gets aged, some problems are certain to arise. One of the main problems is that the working young adults will have to bear heavier financial burden in an aged society. More senior citizens who are in the retirement age means that more people are eligible to get a pension from the government and all these money comes from the tax payers who are the young working adults. Another problem of the growth in the number of senior citizens is that old people usually require more medical services. Therefore, more government funds should be used on the healthcare sector and this could also increase the financial pressure of a society.

To conclude, from my point of view, although an aging society may have less unemployment problem, it will introduce financial challenges to the society.

[durai]

It is true that due to the decrease of birthrate birth rate (2 words) and longer life expectancy, many societies such as Europe, Japan and China I avoid list of specific countries, are facing the problem of aging society. It is even expected that in some societies, there will be more old people (60 plus age group) than young adults (20 to 40 age group) in the near future. is bracketing doesn't affect style This trend has both negative and positive (i would positive and negative ) effects on these societies.


On the one hand, the dropping remove 'of the'ratio of young people in a society could ease the problem of high unemployment rate which is a serious issue in many countries these days To take China as an example, the baby boom Is baby boom an awareness programme ? which happened between 1960s and 1980s has now posed a tremendous pressure on the employment sector in China. After 1980s, the Chinese government enacted the One-child-Policy, and they seeing a dramatic decrease in the percentage of young adults. As a result, it is expected that the high unemployment problem will disappear in China very soon. From this example, it is clear that an aged society is less likely to have an unemployment problem.

On the other hand, if society has more older people than younger, then some problems are certain to arise. One of the main problems is that the working young adults will have to bear heavier financial burden in an aged society Is 'aged society' refer to old people in the society ?. More senior citizens who are in the retirement age means that more people are eligible to get a pension from the government, and all the money comes from the tax payers who are the young working adults. Another problem of the growth in the number of senior citizens is that old people would require extended medical services. Therefore, government has to allocate funds for the healthcare sector, and this could increase the financial burden to the public sector.

To conclude, from my point of view, although an aging society may have less unemployment problem, it will introduce financial challenges to the society. could be better if you write another sentence


Hi Allen, I find some of your sentences difficult to read, means I can understand the meaning, but it could be more concise and succinct,

[durai]

Allen,

in regards to your correction;

1. 'Over the last decade' this phrase I found could be suitable to any type of essay to start writing, any topic if you see, doesn't look wrong.

2. i agree, we can use birth rate also, but i always restrict using more words in one sentence , i never go beyond 270 words,

50-90-90-40 in my ideal size of essay.

3. they said, its going to happen in the future, so I used present continuous tense 'are prolonging'


4. i gave an example of about Australia, but I should worded like most of them without job.

5. 'fund the money to those retirees' means provide money to those pensioners ( retirees)

6. linear - is a word that happens with having abig amount of time, i said ' al least - even if they cannot provide instant solution, at least they look for linear...

[Ieltscrazy]

Hey Durai, this one is my version of this essay. Please comment and rectify it if possible.

In recent years, it is evident in many countries that people are living longer than before. Therefore, there is an assertion that, in near future, the ratio of old people in the world's population will be higher than the young ones. I believe that this trend can have both benefits and drawbacks over the upcoming years.

To begin with, the increase of ageing population will bring some issues in many societies around the world. The most significant one of them is that it will affect a country's economic state. For instance, in developed countries such as Australia, more number of Aged-care facilities have to built to accommodate growing number of elderly people. It is Australian tax payer's money that will be spent to compensate the cost of building these facilities. In addition, a country has to spend more money on pension funds if its ageing population is significantly high. As from above, the effects of increasing elderly population on economy can be seen clearly.

Conversely, there are some positive aspects of increasing number of senior citizens. Growing number of these old-aged group is a sign that more number of people are healthy in a country. Due to the advancement of medical facilities and healthy eating habits, a lot of people are living longer as compared to some generations ago. Thus more number of healthy citizens help to develop a active work force which is essential for a country to progress economically. Another point worth considering is that it will also help to reduce unemployment problems. This is because, young people will substitute old retirees in their position as many people will retire along the country in future.

To sum up, it is clear that the booming of old-aged people will bring some advantages and drawbacks. It should also be considered that, they are an important aspect of a country's population and should be valued like young ones.

[durai]

In recent years, it is evident in many countries that people are living longer than before. Therefore, there is an assertion that, in the near future, the ratio of old people in the world's population will be higher than the young ones. I believe that this trend has both benefits and drawbacks in the upcoming years.

To begin with, the increase of an ageing population will bring some problems in many societies around the world. The most significant one remove 'of them' is that it will affect no article country's economic growth. For instance, in developed countries such as Australia, due to more number of old people, many aged-care facilities have been built to accommodate remove 'growing number of' elderly people. It is Australian tax payer's money that will be spent to compensate the cost of building these facilities this needs rewording . Such facilities require huge investment and the government is using tax-payers money In addition, a country has to spend more money on pension, a security payment for old people. As from above, the negative effects of increasing elderly population towards economy stability can be seen clearly.

Conversely, there are some positive aspects of this increase in the number of senior citizens. Growing number of these old-aged groups is a sign that more number of people are healthy in a country. Due to the advancement of medical facilities and healthy eating habits, a lot of people are living longer as compared to some generations ago. the above is not related, you just said how people living longer and it already said in the question. Thus more number of healthy citizens help to develop a active work force which is essential for a country to progress economically. Another point worth considering is that it will also help to reduce unemployment problems. This is because, young people will substitute old retirees in their position as many people will retire along the country in future. your points here seems contradicting, in the first you said economy suffer and again in th positive you are saying economy grow, so you ahve to think a diffferent reason for the benefits

To sum up, it is clear that the booming of old age cannot boom , word choice inaccurate old-aged people will bring some advantages and drawbacks. It should also be considered that comma never appears after 'that' clause they are an important aspect of a country's population and should be valued like young ones. this sentence is deviated form topic, are asking whether to value old people or not?

[raj.agrawal]

Over the last decade, due to advanced medical facilities, individuals are prolonging their life for a certain period[bad sentence formation]. As a result, there will be a higher proportion of olderpeople than young ones in the future. To my mind, this trend will have both positive and negative effects on the society.

On the one hand, the more the old people the more(what? can't you put it better- succintly - On the one hand, as people age more, the employment opportunities for the younger generation are greater), the employment opportunities for the future young generation. This means that there is an intense competition among young individuals who are considerably in a higher ratio than the old people, and half of them left without a job[wrong sentence formation]. To take Australia as an example, the proportion of adults is more than the retired people, and thus many of the adults are jobless[how do you make this connection- seems far fetched]. If there is a lower percentage of young people, then all of them would have been employed, and thus beneficial to the society.

On the other hand, the country’s economy will be affected if there is a larger number of old people compared to adults. This is because the government has to provide pension for the old people who retire after a particular age. For instance, in Denmark, among the total population of around 80000, pensioners are approximately 40000, and now the government is struggling to fund the money to those retirees. Thus, it is clear that the higher ratio of old people would have [a] negative effect [on] to the country’s economy. [ Good one]

From this essay, it can be concluded that job opportunities for the young and the economic downturn is the benefit and drawback of having a higher percentage of old people respectively.( what is this sentence?) It is hoped that governments would find at least( a) linear solution to curb the drawbacks of such (a) trend. [ You must take a direct stand - whether you agree or disagree -as you are speaking of both a benefit and drawback- what is your opinion]

My Comments :
1. Sentence formation could be better.
2. Ideas need to be presented better - understand what the examiner is looking for.
3. Take Criticism in a Positive Light