essay task 2 - worth a 7 ?

[wilsonbmn]

Take IELT on 28/june and need a band 7 score.
Could you please rate my essay ? Thanks in advance.

With all the problems in the world today, spending money on space exploration is a complete waste. The money could be better spent on other causes.

From late 60’s to the mid 1990’s, the world saw outstanding advances on space exploration. Indeed, billions of dollars were spent on these programs, since during Cold War both USA and URSS considered space exploration a synonym of power. These endeavors were not halted after Cold War has ended, although world has started to argue about the real benefits of such a huge investment, while problems such a violence and poverty were rising all over the nations. It is agreed nowadays that there must be a limit on expenses dedicated to such programs, and the money must be applied on more urgent matters, as we will discuss below.
Firstly, it is widely known that billions of dollars are still expended with space agencies, especially in China, Russia and United States. For instance, both three countries announced recently plans to travel do Mars, and even a robot has already been sent to study the red planet’s soil. Perhaps all money invested on these endeavors will surpass the grants necessary to research our own soil, which could lead to a much productive agriculture and catalyzes changes towards hunger reduction. The priority of this investment needs clearly to be reevaluated.
Secondly, most of space research programs lack of an actionable result that can turn in benefits to population. Though it is undeniable that it is a scientifically relevant fact a travel to Mars, it is very unlikely that there will be any socially relevant discovery secondary to it in short term. Instead of a search for water in Mars, money could be better spent on research on how to revert problems in desert areas, such as Brazilian Northeast or some areas of Africa.
To summarize, although it is agreed that space exploration is scientifically relevant, it is clear that these programs should not be a priority over social investments. Before even considering search for water, soil or even life forms in outer space, governments should adequate their national needs on water consumption, agriculture and social programs.

[Johnson zhang]

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[Flick]

With all the problems in the world today, spending money on space exploration is a complete waste. The money could be better spent on other causes.

From late 1960’s to the mid 1990’s,(<-- keep dates consistent. Either '60's to '90's or 1960's to 1990's.) the world saw outstanding advances in space exploration. Indeed, billions of dollars were spent on these programs, since during Cold War both the USA and the USSR considered space exploration a symbol of power. These endeavors were not halted after the Cold War ended, although world has started to argue about the real benefits of such a huge investment, while problems such a violence and poverty are increasing across the world. It is agreed nowadays that there must be a limit on expenses dedicated to such programs, and the money must be applied on more urgent matters, as discussed below.

Firstly, it is widely known that billions of dollars are still expended on space agencies, especially in China, Russia and the United States. For instance, allthree countries announced recently plans to travel to Mars, and a robot has already been sent to study the red planet’s soil. Perhaps all the money invested in these endeavors will surpass the grants necessary to research our own soil, which could lead to improved agriculture and a reduction in worldwide hunger. The priority of this investment clearly needs to be reevaluated.

Secondly, most space research programs lack an actionable result that can benefit the population. Though it is undeniable that it is scientifically important to travel to Mars, it is very unlikely that there will be any socially relevant discovery because of this in the short term. Instead of a search for water on Mars, money could be better spent on research on how to revert problems in desert areas, such as the Brazilian Northeast or some areas of Africa.

To summarize, although it is agreed that space exploration is scientifically relevant, it is clear that these programs should not be a priority over social investments. Before even considering a search for water, soil or even life forms in outer space, governments should secure their national needs for water consumption, agriculture and social programs.

[wilsonbmn]

Thanks a lot!