Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Music is not bound by any land and culture. it's a universal way of expressing emotions despite their cultural and age differences. Some people believe that music can unite people together over the globe. I completely agree with this notation and will discuss the relevant points regarding this with appropriate examples to back it up.
Firstly, Music not only consists of lingual expressions but melody also thus it can be enjoyed without understanding the lyrics. Although music is often accompanied by lyrics, instrumental music is also grave a great spot in our hearts while expressing the emotions of the composers by melody alone. As a result, language is not a barrier for music lovers to create or enjoy different music of different cultures. Furthermore, Music is also a cultural representation of one's nation. For instance, tv show like musical-idol is a popular show where singers from different cultures and nations express themselves and are enjoyed by audiences from all over the world.
Secondly, music is an art which is enjoyed by all and, this helps to reduce the generation gap or age gap by creating a common ground for different age groups. For example, people of all ages show their utmost respect and love for the country when national anthem is played. Likewise, music creates a bridge between people of various ages by creating a common enjoyable atmosphere for all. In addition to that, music of different genres is often suggested by psychologists to patients of different ages to reduce day-to-day anxiety or stress.
In conclusion, music can differ in terms of lingual differences yet I strongly believe that it's capable of uniting the world by expressing emotion throw melody and tune alone which overwhelmingly outweighs the small genre or lingual differences and bring together people of different age and culture.
I'm new here, i will seat for my IELTS exam in next month. Please suggest improvements needed to score 7 or 7+ writing
-
goldcoastielts
- Posts: 206
- Joined: Mon Aug 03, 2020 1:34 am
- Location: Gold Coast, Australia
- Contact:
Re: I'm new here, i will seat for my IELTS exam in next month. Please suggest improvements needed to score 7 or 7+ writi
IELTS 2.0+ course : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/course
IELTS essay check : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/essays
Online IELTS lessons : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/lessons
IELTS Freebies!! : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/freebies
YouTube - Task 2 Academic - "SENTENCE PAIRS" : https://youtu.be/1P2Wo6Y65bA
Thanks for your submission tapos25!! Please see my rewrite below ...
Music is not bound by any land and culture. RATHER, IT IS a universal way of expressing emotions despite (delete "their") cultural and age differences. Some people believe that music can unite people together over the globe. I completely agree with this NOTION and will discuss the relevant points regarding this with appropriate examples to back it up.
Firstly, Music (no capital) not only consists of lingual expressions but melody WHICH IS WHY it can be enjoyed without understanding the lyrics. Although music is often accompanied by lyrics, instrumental music ALSO HAS A SPECIAL spot in our hearts while expressing the emotions of the composers by melody alone. As a result, language is not a barrier for music lovers WHO WISH to create or enjoy different music ACROSS different cultures. Furthermore, Music is also a cultural representation of one's nation. For instance, tv showS like musical-idol is a popular show where singers from different cultures and nations express themselves and are enjoyed by audiences from all over the world.
Secondly, music is an art which is enjoyed by all and (delete comma) this helps to reduce the generation gap or age gap by creating a common ground for different age groups. For example, people of all ages show their utmost respect and love for the country when THEIR/THE national anthem is played. Likewise, music creates a bridge between people of various ages by creating a common enjoyable atmosphere for all. In addition to that, music of different genres is often suggested by psychologists to patients of different ages to reduce day-to-day anxiety or stress.
In conclusion, music can differ in terms of LINGUISTIC differences yet I strongly believe that IT IS capable of uniting the world by expressing emotion THROUGH melody and tune alone which overwhelmingly outweighs the small genre or lingual differences and bring together people of different age and culture.
This is a good first attempt. The main problems are the extremely long sentences and also the formulaic use of linking phrases and cohesion.
Advice:
1. Please don't use contractions ("it's") in a formal essay.
2. Don't use pronouns like "their" if the word is not referring back to something.
3. Try not to write sentences that are unnaturally long - your conclusion is an example of a sentence that should probably be broken into two or three separate sentences.
Band-score:
TA: 6.0
G: 6.0
V: 6.0
CC: 6.0
IELTS essay check : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/essays
Online IELTS lessons : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/lessons
IELTS Freebies!! : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/freebies
YouTube - Task 2 Academic - "SENTENCE PAIRS" : https://youtu.be/1P2Wo6Y65bA
Thanks for your submission tapos25!! Please see my rewrite below ...
Music is not bound by any land and culture. RATHER, IT IS a universal way of expressing emotions despite (delete "their") cultural and age differences. Some people believe that music can unite people together over the globe. I completely agree with this NOTION and will discuss the relevant points regarding this with appropriate examples to back it up.
Firstly, Music (no capital) not only consists of lingual expressions but melody WHICH IS WHY it can be enjoyed without understanding the lyrics. Although music is often accompanied by lyrics, instrumental music ALSO HAS A SPECIAL spot in our hearts while expressing the emotions of the composers by melody alone. As a result, language is not a barrier for music lovers WHO WISH to create or enjoy different music ACROSS different cultures. Furthermore, Music is also a cultural representation of one's nation. For instance, tv showS like musical-idol is a popular show where singers from different cultures and nations express themselves and are enjoyed by audiences from all over the world.
Secondly, music is an art which is enjoyed by all and (delete comma) this helps to reduce the generation gap or age gap by creating a common ground for different age groups. For example, people of all ages show their utmost respect and love for the country when THEIR/THE national anthem is played. Likewise, music creates a bridge between people of various ages by creating a common enjoyable atmosphere for all. In addition to that, music of different genres is often suggested by psychologists to patients of different ages to reduce day-to-day anxiety or stress.
In conclusion, music can differ in terms of LINGUISTIC differences yet I strongly believe that IT IS capable of uniting the world by expressing emotion THROUGH melody and tune alone which overwhelmingly outweighs the small genre or lingual differences and bring together people of different age and culture.
This is a good first attempt. The main problems are the extremely long sentences and also the formulaic use of linking phrases and cohesion. Advice:
1. Please don't use contractions ("it's") in a formal essay.
2. Don't use pronouns like "their" if the word is not referring back to something.
3. Try not to write sentences that are unnaturally long - your conclusion is an example of a sentence that should probably be broken into two or three separate sentences.
Band-score:
TA: 6.0
G: 6.0
V: 6.0
CC: 6.0
