IELTS TASK 1 please check and provide feedback

[Boris Paing]

The pie charts illustrate the outcomes of the questionnaires provided to the customers who stayed at Parkway Hotel by 2005 and 2010 in order to anticipate how satisfactions of visitors rated for customer services of the hotel.
In 2005, 45% of customers gratified the services while 21% thought that the services were poor. Remarks such as very poor and good came from 15% and 14% of customers respectively. Nevertheless, only 5% considered that the services held perfection.
When it reached 2010, the ratings of visitors slightly altered. 39% of customers remarked good for the services whilst 28% were surprised by the excellency of services. Moreover, 17% criticized the services to be satisfactory. Only 12% imagined the services to be poor and approximately 4% very poor.
In conclusion, the service quality of the hotel improved over a five-year period. The majority saw the services to be gratifying in 2010 when their attitudes tended to be good for the following year.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission Boris Paing!! Please see my rewrite below ...

The pie charts illustrate the outcomes of the questionnaires provided to the customers who stayed at THE Parkway Hotel IN 2005 and 2010, THE PURPOSE OF WHICH WAS to FIND OUT how (delete "satisfactions of visitors rated for") SATISFIED CUSTOMERS WERE AND HOW THEY RATED THE customer services of the hotel.

In 2005, 45% of customers WERE SATISFIED WITH the services while 21% thought that the services were poor. Remarks such as very poor and good came from 15% and 14% of customers respectively. ON THE OTHER HAND, only 5% considered that the services WERE PERFECT.
When it reached 2010, the ratings of visitors HAD slightly altered. 39% of customers remarked good for the services whilst 28% were surprised by the excellency of THE services ON OFFER. Moreover, 17% criticized the services AS beING JUST satisfactory. Only 12% imagined the services to be poor and approximately 4% very poor.

In SUMMARY, the service quality of the hotel improved over THE five-year period. The majority saw the services to be gratifying in 2010 when their attitudes tended to be good for the PREVIOUS year.



Not a bad first effort! Keep trying to improve as per the advice below...

Advice:
1. Some of the word choices make it hard to understand your meaning sometimes. For example "nevertheless" and "following" in the summary.
2. A lot of the sentences are short and choppy so it would be a good idea to try and connect them together more.
3. The first sentence is extremely long so it could be good to split it into two sentences.

Band-score:
TA: 5.5
G: 5.5
V: 5.5
CC: 4.5

[Boris Paing]

Hello Sir!
Thanks for your feedback and I shall value your advices. Currently, I don't have a coach and I have to study myself. Therefore, I require your support and help more. I promise I shall try my best.