Academic Writing Task 1 Please kindly evaluate

[nastya062]

The chart provides information about how often people in Australia bought tea and coffee over a 4-week period.
A closer look reveals that the residents of 5 Australian cities preferred going to a cafe for drinks to buying both fresh and instant coffee. The percentage of people buying fresh coffee ranged from a little below 35% in Brisbane to nearly 44% in Sydney, meanwhile more people purchased instant coffee, from 46% in Sydney to almost 55% in Hobart.
Clearly, there were similar trends in all cities with the proportion of residents that drink coffee and tea in a cafe nearly twice the number of those buying fresh coffee. Conversely, the highest difference in numbers between instant coffee drinkers and cafe visitors was 15 % in Sydney and Melbourne, with the exception of Adelaide. There, people bought by 1% more instant coffee than went out for drinks.
Overall, more people preferred instant coffee to fresh supposedly for the reason of the higher price of the latter and in most cities, residents usually chose to go to a cafe for coffee or tea.

[goldcoastielts]

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YouTube - Task 1 Academic - "7 STRUCTURES FOR COMPARING" : https://youtu.be/hIuNi8uSNm0



Thanks for your submission nastya062!! Please see my rewrite below ...

The chart provides information about how often people in Australia bought tea and coffee over a 4-week period. A closer look reveals that the residents of 5 Australian cities preferred going to a cafe for drinks to buying both fresh and instant coffee.

LOOKING IN MORE DETAIL, the percentage of people buying fresh coffee ranged from a little below 35% in Brisbane to nearly 44% in Sydney, WHILE more people purchased instant coffee TAN FRESH COFEE, RANGING from 46% in Sydney to almost 55% in Hobart. Clearly, there were similar trends in all cities with the proportion of residents that drink coffee and tea in a cafe BEING nearly twice the number of those buying fresh coffee. Conversely, the highest difference in numbers between (delete 'instant coffee drinkers and cafe visitors') PEOPLE WHO BOUGHT INSTANT COFFEE AND PEOPLE WHO WENT TO A CAFE TO HAVE A COFFEE was 15 % in Sydney and Melbourne, with the exception of Adelaide WHERE THE TREND WAS REVERSED. There, people bought (delete 'by') 1% more instant coffee than went out for drinks.

Overall, more people preferred instant coffee to fresh COFFEE, (delete 'supposedly for the reason of') THE REASON SUPPOSEDLY BEING the higher price of the latter, (add comma) and in most cities, residents usually chose to go to a cafe for coffee or tea.



This is a ice little description that does a good job of both describing and comparing. Just watch the grammar!

Advice:
1. Don't forget to paragraph properly with INTRO, DETAILS AND COMPARISON, and SUMMARY. See the YouTube video above..
2. Try to begin each paragraph with a connecting phrase (you forgot tot do this in the second paragraph).
3. Three or four times there were little slips in grammar, so please take special note of these instances.

Band-score:
TA: 7.0
G: 6.5
V: 7.0
CC: 6.5