Task 2: plz evaluate, rapid changes in working conditions, cause and solution prepare for future

[venki33]

Hi,

Please evaluate below essay. Appreciate it !

Topic-

The world of work is changing rapidly and people cannot depend on having the same job or the same working conditions for life.
What are the possible causes of this rapid change? How can people prepare for work in the future?


Response -



The only thing that is constant is change. This applies to any sector, any job, or any industry. With rapid transformation in areas like technology and global economies, there are drastic impacts to peoples livelihood and working conditions. The causes range from imperfect governmental policy towards local jobs to, businesses implementing new technologies to automate and remove the need for manual labor. We need to prepare citizens to this onset of changes, ideally before they come to fruition.

Firstly one reason for dramatic changes to jobs in some countries is due to businesses finding ways to improve their profits by outsourcing to countries with cheaper workforce. For instance, manufacturing cars became cheaper in other countries like China, this caused prosperous industrial cities like Detroit to lose jobs in 1000's. This is because in such cities the reliance on car manufacturing was too strong and inbuilt. It took a decades for cities to diversify into other sectors and bring back jobs.

Another reason for changes in working conditions is due to introduction of automation and robots. For instance in warehouses, with introduction of robots, the manual work becomes redundant. This has an impact on people working there, because without expertise in operating these robots, they will lose jobs.

One solution to help prepare for any change in the near future, would be to diversify skillset. For example, if a warehouse employee loses job due to automation, then if he also has other skillset like operating a robot, then he can find a job in that field. Another solution that could help people prepare for drastic changes, is by, asserting their rights in local governments and making sure their voice is heard, and letting governments provide a safety net in the event of changes in the future.This can be either done through training for new jobs or providing monetary relief.

In conclusion, even though changes are natural, it can be difficult to adjust to a new environment. But with spirit of adaptation, people can change their outlook and ensure they are prepared for any new changes in the future.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission venki33!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
The only thing that is constant is change, AND this applies to any sector, any job, or any industry. (delete 'With') Rapid transformation in areas like technology and global economies (delete ', there are') BRINGS drastic impacts to peoples livelihood and working conditions. The causes range from imperfect governmental policy TO local jobs TO businesses implementing new technologies to automate and remove the need for manual labor. We need to prepare citizens FOR this onset of changes, ideally before they come to fruition.

B1:
Firstly one reason for THESE dramatic changes to jobs in some countries is (delete 'due to') THAT businesses ARE NOW finding ways to improve their profits by outsourcing to countries with cheaper workforceS. For instance, THE manufacturing OF cars HAS BECOME cheaper in other countries like China, WHICH caused prosperous industrial cities like Detroit to lose jobs in THE THOUSANDS. This is because in such cities the reliance on car manufacturing was too strong and HAD BEEN BUILT INTO THE ECONOMY. It took (delete 'a') decades for cities to diversify into other sectors and bring back jobs.

B2:
Another reason for changes in working conditions is (delete 'due to') introduction of automation and robots. For instance in warehouses, with THE introduction of robots, (delete 'the') manual work HAS BECOME redundant. This has an impact on people working there, because without expertise in operating these robots, they will lose THEIR jobs.

B3:
One solution to help prepare for any change in the near future, (delete comma) would be FOR PEOPLE to diversify THEIR skillsetS. For example, if a warehouse employee loses HIS job due to automation, then if he also has ANother skillset like operating a robot, then he can find a job in that field. Another solution that could help people prepare for drastic changes (delete ', is by, asserting') WOULD BE FOR THEM TO ASSERT their rights in local governments and MAKE sure their voice is heard, and LET governments provide a safety net in the event of changes in the future.This can be either done through training for new jobs or providing monetary relief.

CONC:
In conclusion, even though changes are natural, it can be difficult to adjust to a new environment, (connect here) but with THE/A spirit of adaptation, people can change their outlook and ensure they are prepared for any new changes in the future.



Really good essay. I like how you structured it so that B1 and B2 were the reasons, and B3 was the solution. Great use of modals in the B3 as well (to describe your solutions).

ADVICE:
1. Make sure you use prepositions correctly i.e. FOR this onset...
2. Be careful about singular and plural, the first sentence of B1 is a good example of these kinds of errors ('are' and 'workforces')
3. "Another reason for (effect) is (reason)", NOT "Another reason for (effect) is due to (reason)"
4. Sometimes you used the simple present when you should have used the present perfect (Sentence 2, B2).
5. 'thousands'' not '1,000s'

BAND-SCORE:
TA: 8.0
G: 7.5 (some minor errors with number and verb choices)
V: 8.0
CC: 7.5 (try to join short sentences together)

[venki33]

Thank you Anthony for your assessment. I will incorporate your feedback in my essays. You have been very helpful.

Thanks,
Kaushik

[goldcoastielts]

Good job Kaushik!