It is commonly believed that children ought to be motivated by their parents to participate more in games rather than study. According to me both things play crucial role in infant’s life.
To begin with, participating in games not only break the monotony but also keep children physical fit because in this era children have extra burden on mind of academic as well as many of children are suffering in different type of diseases due to sedentary lifestyle. Secondly, they have opportunity to mingle with people when they involve in any sport so they learn lot of skills at that time like co-operative, competition and so on which are beneficial for children in their future.
However, I believe that education is also important for children because are less likely to achieve high profile job unless they have good grades in their higher education. Nowadays competition is more in every field which is only broken by study. Apart from this, education is only way to learn about the tradition, cultures and languages of different nations which help children to survive anywhere in the entire globe because every country has its own language and culture. For instance, the Japan has Japanese language.
In the end, I would like to say that education and sports are equal role in the children’s life because in the modern era children play many of indoor games so that parents should encourage to their children about the outdoor games, but education is key of success in different sectors or jobs.
Task 2 Please evaluate- Parents should encourage their children to spend less time studying and more time doing sports/p
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raviwaraich95
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goldcoastielts
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Re: Task 2 Please evaluate- Parents should encourage their children to spend less time studying and more time doing spor
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Thanks for your submission raviwaraichi95!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
It is commonly believed that children ought to be motivated by their parents .. PARENTS SHOULD MOTIVATE THEIR CHILDREN to participate more in games rather than study. I AM OF THE BELIEF THAT both ELEMENTS play A crucial role in THE life OF INFANTS AND CHILDREN.
B1:
To begin with, participating in games not only breakS the monotony OF A CHILD'S LIFE, but also keep THEM physicalLY fit because THESE DAYS children have extra burden on mind of academic as well as many of children are suffering in different type of diseases due to sedentary lifestyle .. THE ADDED BURDEN OF HEAVY STUDY LOADS, AS WELL AS DIFFERENT TYPES OF DISEASES TO CONTEND WITH DUE TO THEIR SEDENTARY LIFESTYLES. Secondly, they WOULD have THE opportunity to mingle with people when they ARE involveD in TEAM sportS so they CAN learn lot of skills at that time like COOPERATION, competitiVENESS and so on which are beneficial for children in their future.
B2:
However, I believe that education is also important for children because are THEY WILL BE less likely to achieve high profile jobS WITHOUT (delete 'they') havING good grades in their higher education .. AT UNIVERSITY AND COLLEGE. Nowadays, (add comma) competition is more in every field .. EVERY FIELD IS EXTREMELY COMPETITIVE, which is only broken UP. by study. Apart from this, education is THE only way to learn about the traditionS, cultures and languages of different nations which CAN help children to survive anywhere in the entire WORLD. THIS IS because every country has its own language and culture. For instance, the Japan has Japanese language.
CONC:
In CONCLUSION, I would like to say that education and sports PLAY equal roleS in A CHILD'S life because in the modern era children play many (delete 'of') indoor games so (delete 'that') ALTHOUGH parents should encourage (delete 'to') their children TO PALY (delete 'the') outdoor games, (delete 'but') education is STILL THE key TO success in different sectors or jobs.
"This is a nice, balanced essay with some good ideas. I think the place where it slips up is the grammar. Keep studying hard!"
Advice:
1. You often choose the wrong subject for your sentences which makes it very difficult to understand the true meaning. For example, "every field", not "competition" should be the subject of the S2 in your B2.
2. Try not to use unfamiliar linking too much. For example, you cannot go wrong with "In conclusion ..." to introduce your concluding paragraph. Don't forget, you are really being marked on your ability to use the standard conventions of language, not colourful innovative terms. Focus on the ideas more!
3. There were a lot of little prepositional and other mistakes in the conclusion. Please check all of these and try not to make the same mistakes again.
4. Try to write more sentences in your bodies. For example, in the B1, you only wrote 2 sentences. Make sure each sentence has a function i.e. S1 = Topic sentence, S2 = Idea, S3 = Example, S4 = Contrast...
Band-score:
TA: 6.0
G: 5.5
V: 6.0
CC: 5.5
IELTS essay check : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/essays
Online IELTS lessons : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/lessons
IELTS Freebies!! : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/freebies
YouTube - "TASK 2 ESSAY QUESTIONS" : https://youtu.be/MJVgSlOCLZ8
Thanks for your submission raviwaraichi95!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
It is commonly believed that children ought to be motivated by their parents .. PARENTS SHOULD MOTIVATE THEIR CHILDREN to participate more in games rather than study. I AM OF THE BELIEF THAT both ELEMENTS play A crucial role in THE life OF INFANTS AND CHILDREN.
B1:
To begin with, participating in games not only breakS the monotony OF A CHILD'S LIFE, but also keep THEM physicalLY fit because THESE DAYS children have extra burden on mind of academic as well as many of children are suffering in different type of diseases due to sedentary lifestyle .. THE ADDED BURDEN OF HEAVY STUDY LOADS, AS WELL AS DIFFERENT TYPES OF DISEASES TO CONTEND WITH DUE TO THEIR SEDENTARY LIFESTYLES. Secondly, they WOULD have THE opportunity to mingle with people when they ARE involveD in TEAM sportS so they CAN learn lot of skills at that time like COOPERATION, competitiVENESS and so on which are beneficial for children in their future.
B2:
However, I believe that education is also important for children because are THEY WILL BE less likely to achieve high profile jobS WITHOUT (delete 'they') havING good grades in their higher education .. AT UNIVERSITY AND COLLEGE. Nowadays, (add comma) competition is more in every field .. EVERY FIELD IS EXTREMELY COMPETITIVE, which is only broken UP. by study. Apart from this, education is THE only way to learn about the traditionS, cultures and languages of different nations which CAN help children to survive anywhere in the entire WORLD. THIS IS because every country has its own language and culture. For instance, the Japan has Japanese language.
CONC:
In CONCLUSION, I would like to say that education and sports PLAY equal roleS in A CHILD'S life because in the modern era children play many (delete 'of') indoor games so (delete 'that') ALTHOUGH parents should encourage (delete 'to') their children TO PALY (delete 'the') outdoor games, (delete 'but') education is STILL THE key TO success in different sectors or jobs.
"This is a nice, balanced essay with some good ideas. I think the place where it slips up is the grammar. Keep studying hard!" Advice:
1. You often choose the wrong subject for your sentences which makes it very difficult to understand the true meaning. For example, "every field", not "competition" should be the subject of the S2 in your B2.
2. Try not to use unfamiliar linking too much. For example, you cannot go wrong with "In conclusion ..." to introduce your concluding paragraph. Don't forget, you are really being marked on your ability to use the standard conventions of language, not colourful innovative terms. Focus on the ideas more!
3. There were a lot of little prepositional and other mistakes in the conclusion. Please check all of these and try not to make the same mistakes again.
4. Try to write more sentences in your bodies. For example, in the B1, you only wrote 2 sentences. Make sure each sentence has a function i.e. S1 = Topic sentence, S2 = Idea, S3 = Example, S4 = Contrast...
Band-score:
TA: 6.0
G: 5.5
V: 6.0
CC: 5.5
