Question:
Some people think that school children should be given various short vacations. Others however believe a long vacation once a year is a better option.
Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
Response:
It is supported by some that giving various short vacations to pupils at school is good. While others disagree and are of the opinion that a long-term holiday is better. I agree with the idea of giving multiple short-term holidays to students during their academic year.
Firstly, some folks support the idea of giving multiple short study-breaks to school-students round the year. This is because it would greatly help children to develop new skills during the time which they would be spending away from school. This free time is a good opportunity for students to work part-time or full-time and develop new skills. For example, in Finland, the majority of high schools follow the tri-semester system, and students get three short-vacations after each semester. In addition to that, these schools have short-term work programs to help their students in getting jobs during vacations.
On the other hand, many disagree and feel that a single long-term vacation in an academic year is better. These people are of the opinion that giving only one vacation is helpful to students in order to focus better on their studies because most children use their holidays in play or travel. Therefore, it is believed that various short-term vacations act only as a distraction for students. For instance, in Germany, public schools give one long-term vacation at the end of an academic year; whereas, private schools follow the tri-semester system and give multiple short-term vacations, and most people in Germany prefer the public schools for their children to make them stay focussed in studies.
In conclusion, some believe that multiple short-team holidays are better in contrast to others who don’t agree and support the idea of one long-term vacation in a year. I believe that giving various short vacations to school students give them a chance to develop new skills and get useful experience by working with people outside of their school.
Word Count: 316
Writing Task 2 - Please evaluate my essay and give your valuable feedback!
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Re: Writing Task 2 - Please evaluate my essay and give your valuable feedback!
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Thanks for your submission afaque99!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
It is supported by some .. MANY PEOPLE WOULD ARGUE THAT IT IS GOOD FOR CHILDREN TO GO ON SHORT VACATIONS WHILE THEY ARE AT SCHOOL that giving various short vacations to pupils at school is good. (delete 'While') Others disagree and are of the opinion that a long-term holiday is better. I agree with the idea of giving multiple short-term holidays to students during their academic year.
B1:
Firstly, some PEOPLE support the idea of giving multiple short study-breaks to school-students round the year .. YEAR-ROUND. This is because it CAN greatly help children to develop new skills during the time which they ARE spending away from school. This free time is a good opportunity for students to work part-time or full-time and develop new skills. For example, in Finland, the majority of high schools follow the tri-semester system, and students get three short-vacations AT THE END OF each semester. In addition to that, these schools have short-term work programs to help their students GET jobs during vacations.
B2:
On the other hand, many disagree and feel that a single long-term vacation EACH academic year is better. These people are of the opinion that giving only one vacation is helpful to students in order to .. SO THAT STUDENTS CAN focus better on their studies. THIS IS because most children use their holidays TO play or travel. Therefore, it is believed that various short-term vacations act only as a distraction for students. For instance, in Germany, public schools give one long-term vacation at the end of EACH academic year, whereas private schools follow the tri-semester system and give multiple short-term vacations. Most people in Germany prefer the public schools for their children to make them stay focussed ON THEIR studies.
CONC:
In conclusion, some believe that multiple short-team holidays are better in contrast to .. WHICH CONTRASTS WITH others who don’t agree and support the idea of one long-term vacation EVERY a year. I believe that giving A NUMBER OF shortER vacations FROM school GIVES STUDENTS (delete 'them') a chance to develop new skills and get useful experience by working with people outside of their school.
Advice:
1. Try to avoid really colloquial language like 'folks'.
2. Try to use more natural sounding linking language. You are still using language like "for example", "for instance", "therefore", "in addition", which is quite formulaic. You should focus on higher level linking language to get above 7.0.
3. Check the S1 of your introduction. The order of the grammatical elements is a little off. The key words I used were "...... THAT it is + ADJ. + prepositional phrase + to-infinitive...". This is a VERY useful structure.
4. Lastly, try to keep the length below 270 words.
Band-score:
TA: 6.0 (The two examples in the B1 and B2 are very similar)
G: 6.5
V: 7.0
CC: 6.0
IELTS essay check : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/essays
Online IELTS lessons : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/lessons
IELTS Freebies!! : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/freebies
YouTube - "TASK 2 BODY TOPIC SENTENCES" : https://youtu.be/HeqJpiiVfwo
Thanks for your submission afaque99!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
It is supported by some .. MANY PEOPLE WOULD ARGUE THAT IT IS GOOD FOR CHILDREN TO GO ON SHORT VACATIONS WHILE THEY ARE AT SCHOOL that giving various short vacations to pupils at school is good. (delete 'While') Others disagree and are of the opinion that a long-term holiday is better. I agree with the idea of giving multiple short-term holidays to students during their academic year.
B1:
Firstly, some PEOPLE support the idea of giving multiple short study-breaks to school-students round the year .. YEAR-ROUND. This is because it CAN greatly help children to develop new skills during the time which they ARE spending away from school. This free time is a good opportunity for students to work part-time or full-time and develop new skills. For example, in Finland, the majority of high schools follow the tri-semester system, and students get three short-vacations AT THE END OF each semester. In addition to that, these schools have short-term work programs to help their students GET jobs during vacations.
B2:
On the other hand, many disagree and feel that a single long-term vacation EACH academic year is better. These people are of the opinion that giving only one vacation is helpful to students in order to .. SO THAT STUDENTS CAN focus better on their studies. THIS IS because most children use their holidays TO play or travel. Therefore, it is believed that various short-term vacations act only as a distraction for students. For instance, in Germany, public schools give one long-term vacation at the end of EACH academic year, whereas private schools follow the tri-semester system and give multiple short-term vacations. Most people in Germany prefer the public schools for their children to make them stay focussed ON THEIR studies.
CONC:
In conclusion, some believe that multiple short-team holidays are better in contrast to .. WHICH CONTRASTS WITH others who don’t agree and support the idea of one long-term vacation EVERY a year. I believe that giving A NUMBER OF shortER vacations FROM school GIVES STUDENTS (delete 'them') a chance to develop new skills and get useful experience by working with people outside of their school.
Advice:
1. Try to avoid really colloquial language like 'folks'.
2. Try to use more natural sounding linking language. You are still using language like "for example", "for instance", "therefore", "in addition", which is quite formulaic. You should focus on higher level linking language to get above 7.0.
3. Check the S1 of your introduction. The order of the grammatical elements is a little off. The key words I used were "...... THAT it is + ADJ. + prepositional phrase + to-infinitive...". This is a VERY useful structure.
4. Lastly, try to keep the length below 270 words.
Band-score:
TA: 6.0 (The two examples in the B1 and B2 are very similar)
G: 6.5
V: 7.0
CC: 6.0
