writing task 2 please evaluate

[leo7.5]

Longer life spans and improvements in the health of older people suggest that people over the age of sixty-five can continue to live full and active lives.

In what ways can society benefit from the contribution that older people can make


One of the biggest achievements of all the times has to be our improved standard of care and nutrition which has led to a momentous increase in the mortality rate and deducted the morbidity rate by a great margin, thus resulting in people with higher longevity all around the globe. But it is also known that human productivity reduces drastically after the ages of 65 and beyond, and the burden of older people tends to add more to the pre-existing strain. However, this is not the case anymore as older population are actively participating in the society and are not as morbid as they once used to be.

Older people tend to be full of wisdom. In many cultures around the world, the younger generations especially the grand kids are a big responsibility for the elderly. They actively help their kids by taking on the hefty job of child-rearing so the parents can freely pursue their careers. This practice is helpful to all the three parties involved with parents getting the time they need and the grand kids and grandparents forging a loving bond at the very same time. Moreover, in certain instances a parent has to move away to another city for a job and again here the elderly play a very crucial part in the overall well-being of the whole family.

Furthermore, with the right amount of exercise and good nutritional habits, the elderly are slowly becoming a powerful force and have been seen to show keen interest in the proper working of a society. An example of this can be derived from Shanghai, China. Where the elderly women or "Ayi" as they are lovingly known in the local language took up the job of helping people with the strenuous task of garbage sorting when it was first introduced. Many other examples like this are indicative of the increasing role the elderly have started to play in the society.

In the end, a state is known by how it treats its most vulnerable citizen. The governments of the world needs to realize that every country has a growing number of aged population and the number will only continue to rise from here. Integrating the older population actively is not only beneficial but it is also quite essential in the long run.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission leo7.5!! Please see my rewrite below ...


INTRO: (VERY VERY GOOD!) (BUT FAR TOO LONG!)
One of the biggest achievements of all the times TIME has to be our improved standard of care and nutrition which has led to a momentous increase in the mortality rate AS WELL AS REDUCED morbidity, WHICH HAS RESULTED IN people with higher longevity all around the globe. But it is also known that human productivity reduces drastically after the ages of 65 (delete 'and beyond'), and the burden THAT THE ELDERLY PLACE ON YOUNGER GENERATIONS tends to add more to the pre-existing strain. However, this is not the case anymore as THE older population IS actively participating in (delete 'the') society and are not as morbid as they once used to be.

B1:
GENERALLY SPEAKING, older people tend to be full of wisdom. In many cultures around the world, the younger generations, (add commas)
especially the grand kids, are a big responsibility for the elderly.THESE GRANDPARENTS actively help their kids by taking on the hefty job of child-rearing so the parents can freely pursue their careers. This practice is helpful to all (delete 'the') three parties involved, (add comma) with parents getting the time they need and the grand kids and grandparents forging a loving bond at the very same time . Moreover, in certain instances a parent has to move away to another city for a job, (add comma) and again here the elderly play a very crucial part in the overall well-being of the whole family.

B2:
Furthermore, with the right amount of exercise and good nutritional habits, the elderly are slowly becoming a powerful force and have been seen to show keen interest in the proper working of a society. An example of this can be derived from Shanghai, China, where (+ join +) the elderly women, or "Ayi" as they are lovingly known in the local language, TAKE UP / HAVE TAKEN UP up the job of helping people with the strenuous task of garbage sorting when it was first introduced. Many other examples like this are indicative of the increasing role the elderly have started to play in (delete 'the') societIES AROUND THE WORLD.

CONC:
In the end, a state is JUDGED by how it treats its most vulnerable citizen. The governments of the world NEED to realize that every country has a growing number of aged population NUMBER OF AGED PEOPLE / POPULATION OF ELDERLY PEOPLE and THIS number will only continue to rise from here. Integrating the older population actively is not only beneficial, (COMMA!) but it is also quite essential in the long run.

Advice:
1. First sentence of the intro is too long to be able to understand. I had to change it completely. Either (i) change the grammar (my choice), or ii) break into two sentences.
2. Try to make better use of commas. These are more common in English than in other languages, so don't be afraid to use them liberally!
3. A few cases where more appropriate vocabulary choices could have been made - (judged)
4. Still a few problems with number


Band-score:
TA: 8.5
G: 7.5
V: 8
CC: 7.5-8

[goldcoastielts]

Thanks leo7.5!!!! Please see my rewrite below ...


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INTRO: (VERY VERY GOOD!) (BUT FAR TOO LONG!)
One of the biggest achievements of all the times TIME has to be our improved standard of care and nutrition which has led to a momentous increase in the mortality rate AS WELL AS REDUCED morbidity, WHICH HAS RESULTED IN people with higher longevity all around the globe. But it is also known that human productivity reduces drastically after the ages of 65 (delete 'and beyond'), and the burden THAT THE ELDERLY PLACE ON YOUNGER GENERATIONS tends to add more to the pre-existing strain. However, this is not the case anymore as THE older population IS actively participating in (delete 'the') society and are not as morbid as they once used to be.

B1:
GENERALLY SPEAKING, older people tend to be full of wisdom. In many cultures around the world, the younger generations, (add commas)
especially the grand kids, are a big responsibility for the elderly.THESE GRANDPARENTS actively help their kids by taking on the hefty job of child-rearing so the parents can freely pursue their careers. This practice is helpful to all (delete 'the') three parties involved, (add comma) with parents getting the time they need and the grand kids and grandparents forging a loving bond at the very same time . Moreover, in certain instances a parent has to move away to another city for a job, (add comma) and again here the elderly play a very crucial part in the overall well-being of the whole family.

B2:
Furthermore, with the right amount of exercise and good nutritional habits, the elderly are slowly becoming a powerful force and have been seen to show keen interest in the proper working of a society. An example of this can be derived from Shanghai, China, where (+ join +) the elderly women, or "Ayi" as they are lovingly known in the local language, TAKE UP / HAVE TAKEN UP up the job of helping people with the strenuous task of garbage sorting when it was first introduced. Many other examples like this are indicative of the increasing role the elderly have started to play in (delete 'the') societIES AROUND THE WORLD.

CONC:
In the end, a state is JUDGED by how it treats its most vulnerable citizen. The governments of the world NEED to realize that every country has a growing number of aged population NUMBER OF AGED PEOPLE / POPULATION OF ELDERLY PEOPLE and THIS number will only continue to rise from here. Integrating the older population actively is not only beneficial, (COMMA!) but it is also quite essential in the long run.



Advice:
1. First sentence of the intro is too long to be able to understand. I had to change it completely. Either (i) change the grammar (my choice), or ii) break into two sentences.
2. Try to make better use of commas. These are more common in English than in other languages, so don't be afraid to use them liberally!
3. A few cases where more appropriate vocabulary choices could have been made - (judged)
4. Still a few problems with number


Band-score:
TA: 8.5
G: 7.5
V: 8
CC: 7.5-8