Question
Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Answer
The presence of art activities in the school subject has become the topic of discussion at present. Some people believe that art has a pivotal role in the curriculum structure, where others do not want to give much importance over art activities. Both perspectives have importance in different contexts in a child's life.
What is art? This is an old age question and different people from the different background has tried to answer it. On a general sense, art is the act of expressing your own thoughts and emotions. This act can help someone to interact and communicate with the surrounding. In this context, art activities in the school system have a vital role to perform in a child's life. For example, art activities can make ease for an introvert child to express his or her thoughts to others. To a greater extend, there are examples where art can be very much helpful in some specific illness or disabilities. For example, art therapy is a commonly accepted exercise in psychological problems.
On the other hand, there are people who believe that art is nothing but a waste of time. One particular context is very crucial here and that is if someone wants to pursue a career in art. It is universally recognised that the path to a successful artist is full of struggle and patience. There are cultural influences where parents do not want their child to suffer. Generally, negligence is a common outcome because of this. These parents know the value of earning money in our modern society and want to establish a good example for their children as well.
To conclude, the depth of the discussion over the importance of art lies in somewhere else. It is not about the opinion of the school authority or even the parents. In my opinion, the most important thing is the freedom of the child. Today's child is a citizen of tomorrow. We should always motivate him or her with the choice he or she wants to make. And art has all the abilities to help him or her on that journey.
Wrting Task 2 : Evaluation Needed
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Re: Wrting Task 2 : Evaluation Needed
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Thanks for your submission alakesh!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
Nowadays, WHETHER OR NOT WE SHOULD HAVE artISTIC activities AS school subjectS has become A topic of discussion. Some people believe that art OUGHT TO HAVE a pivotal role in the curriculum structure, where others do not want to give SO much importance TO THESE KINDS OF activities. THIS ESSAY WILL ARGUE THAT both perspectives DESERVE importance in THE different contexts in a child's life.
B1:
What is art? This is an old age question and different people from (delete 'the') different backgroundS HAVE tried to answer it. IN a general sense, art is the act of expressing your own thoughts and emotions. This act can help someone to interact and communicate with theIR surroundingS. In this context, art activities AT school have a vital role to PLAY in a child's life. For example, art activities can make IT easIER for an introvertED child to express his or her thoughts to others. To a greater extenT, there are examples where art can be very much helpful in some specific illnessES or disabilities. For example, art therapy is a commonly accepted exercise in psychological problems.
B2:
On the other hand, there are people who believe that art is nothing but a waste of time. One particular context is AN EXCEPTION here and that is if someone wants to pursue a career in art. It is universally recognised that the path to BECOMING a successful artist is full of struggle and patience. There are ALSO cultural influences where parents do not want their child to suffer. Generally, negligence is a common outcome of this TYPE OF PARENTING. These parents know the value of earning money in our modern society and want to establish a good example for their children as well.
CONC:
To conclude, the IMPORTANCE of the discussion ABOUT the importance of art lies in ANOTHER PLACE ALTOGETHER. It is not about the opinion of the school authority or even the parents. In my opinion, the most important thing is the freedom of the child BECAUSE today's child is THE citizen of tomorrow. We should always motivate him or her with the choice he or she wants to make, and art IS ONE OF THE THINGS THAT CAN help him or her on that journey.
Advice:
1. Add the linking language at the beginning of the first sentence in the intro ("Nowadays, ..")
2. Make sure numbers agree (first sentence B1)
3. Be careful about collocations - "vital role to PLAY" not "vital role to PERFORM"
4. "To a great extent" (not "extend")
GREAT ESSAY!!
TA: 6.0 (You answered the question, but it might have been nice to put more example language in B2)
G: 6.0 (Some simple mistakes with number and preposition that will pull the mark down a bit)
V: 6.5
CC: 7.0 (Some very innovative linking language, but also some small mistakes like 'to a greater extend')
IELTS essay check : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/essays
Online IELTS lessons : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/lessons
IELTS Freebies!! : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/freebies
YouTube - "THE BRAINSTORM NOTEBOOK" : https://youtu.be/dxNlUByQKNg
Thanks for your submission alakesh!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
Nowadays, WHETHER OR NOT WE SHOULD HAVE artISTIC activities AS school subjectS has become A topic of discussion. Some people believe that art OUGHT TO HAVE a pivotal role in the curriculum structure, where others do not want to give SO much importance TO THESE KINDS OF activities. THIS ESSAY WILL ARGUE THAT both perspectives DESERVE importance in THE different contexts in a child's life.
B1:
What is art? This is an old age question and different people from (delete 'the') different backgroundS HAVE tried to answer it. IN a general sense, art is the act of expressing your own thoughts and emotions. This act can help someone to interact and communicate with theIR surroundingS. In this context, art activities AT school have a vital role to PLAY in a child's life. For example, art activities can make IT easIER for an introvertED child to express his or her thoughts to others. To a greater extenT, there are examples where art can be very much helpful in some specific illnessES or disabilities. For example, art therapy is a commonly accepted exercise in psychological problems.
B2:
On the other hand, there are people who believe that art is nothing but a waste of time. One particular context is AN EXCEPTION here and that is if someone wants to pursue a career in art. It is universally recognised that the path to BECOMING a successful artist is full of struggle and patience. There are ALSO cultural influences where parents do not want their child to suffer. Generally, negligence is a common outcome of this TYPE OF PARENTING. These parents know the value of earning money in our modern society and want to establish a good example for their children as well.
CONC:
To conclude, the IMPORTANCE of the discussion ABOUT the importance of art lies in ANOTHER PLACE ALTOGETHER. It is not about the opinion of the school authority or even the parents. In my opinion, the most important thing is the freedom of the child BECAUSE today's child is THE citizen of tomorrow. We should always motivate him or her with the choice he or she wants to make, and art IS ONE OF THE THINGS THAT CAN help him or her on that journey.
Advice:
1. Add the linking language at the beginning of the first sentence in the intro ("Nowadays, ..")
2. Make sure numbers agree (first sentence B1)
3. Be careful about collocations - "vital role to PLAY" not "vital role to PERFORM"
4. "To a great extent" (not "extend")
GREAT ESSAY!!
TA: 6.0 (You answered the question, but it might have been nice to put more example language in B2)
G: 6.0 (Some simple mistakes with number and preposition that will pull the mark down a bit)
V: 6.5
CC: 7.0 (Some very innovative linking language, but also some small mistakes like 'to a greater extend')
