Is it possible to have too many interests?

[caner]

There are so many reasons that explain why most people have a goal for making time to take plenty of interests. But since they are preoccupied with other things such as work, school, family, it is less likely to bring significant benefits.

As we have been going through a tough life in a rapidly growing world, there are so many obstacles preventing us from taking interests as much as we can. However, we can see that there are so many people trying to have experiences in such benefits, but most of the time, they get failure due to several reasons that distract them. From my experience, while studying university, I would want to have a fortune that could give me many opportunities to interest in several subjects apart from my field. I believe that it would help me improve myself individually to become a more experienced person than I am now. Unfortunately, there are too many directions when you would like to get into too many fields that may confuse your mind when it comes to deciding which hobby or interest is worth it to take advantage of.

As I mentioned above, it is almost impossible to make many investments, and logically it is not simple for an individual, and physically, it may be tiresome. However, having experience in many areas may give a person a nice-looking for their background and a good impression on people while expressing themselves. Even if they are not educated, they may get a chance to have a significant job and a good reputation.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission caner!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
There are so many reasons that explain why most people MAKE IT A GOAL FOR THEMSELVES TO GET INVOLVED IN A VARIETY of DIFFERENT interests. But THE PROBLEM IS THAT, since they are preoccupied with other things such as work, school, AND family, it is OFTEN UNLIKELY THAT THEY WILL BE ABLE TO ACTUALLY ACHIEVE THIS GOAL.

BODY:
As PEOPLE'S LIVES HAVE BEEN GETTING MORE AND MORE DIFFICULT FOR A VARIETY OF REASONS, there are NOW so many obstacles THAT prevent us from GETTING AS INVOLVED IN OUR INTERESTS AS WE WOULD LIKE. However, we can see that there are so many people WHO ARE trying to BENEFIT FROM PUTTING TIME INTO THEIR INTERESTS, but most of the time, they FAIL BECAUSE THEIR LIVES DISTRACT THEM. From my experience, while studying AT university, I ALWAYS DREAMED ABOUT HAVING A FORTUNE THAT WOULD ENABLE ME TO SPEND MY TIME ON MY INTERESTS, RATHER THAN JUST MY JOB OR STUDY. I believe that THIS would help me TO improve myself AS AN INDIVIDUAL to become a more experienced person than I am now. Unfortunately, A PERSON CAN BE FACED WITH TOO MANY POSSIBLE INTERESTS AND DIRECTIONS THAT LEAD TO CONFUSION WHEN TRYING TO DECIDE WHERE TO INVEST THEIR TIME.

CONCLUSION (?):
As (I-DELETE) mentioned above, it is almost impossible to INVEST YOUR TIME IN MANY DIFFERENT PURSUITS, SIMPLY BECAUSE ONE DOES NOT HAVE AN UNLIMITED AMOUNT OF TIME AND PHYSICALLY IT CAN GET EXTREMELY TIRESOME. However, having experience in many areas may MAKE a person SEEM VERY WELL-ROUNDED AND LEAVE A GOOD IMPRESSION ON OTHERS. AFTER ALL, Even if A PERSON IS not WELL-educated, they may STILL get a chance to CONTRIBUTE PROFESSIONALLY AND IMPROVE THEIR REPUTATION.

Advice:
1. Write 2 body paragraphs. Make a brainstorm and plan before writing (spend about 3 minutes on this). This will help you a lot.
2. Try not to use 'but' at the beginning of a sentence (intro S2)
3. Use more time and manner adverbs.
4. Delete pronoun-I from conclusion

G: 6.5
V: 7.0
TA: 6.0
CC: 7.0

Anthony Schultz
www.goldcoastielts.com