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Please assess this essay

Posted: Thu May 18, 2017 8:18 am
by a.lotfipoor
hi, please assess my task 2 writing. and if possible, tell me what band i would get.
It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction.
To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behavior to children?
It is necessary for youngsters to have the knowledge to choose between right and wrong. While some people believe punishment, whether is physical or psychological, is vital to this process, I would argue that punishment has no place in the modern education system, this is evident by researches that have been carried out in recent past.

It is argued by sociologists that punishment is not as effective as people have been led to, if anything, it reduces the learnability of children. A recent study done in University of Tehran monitored two primary schools with almost identical situation, the only difference was the use of punishment in the first one. Result shows after one year the student from first school, where punishment was used, were not as successful in their exams as the other one’s. that’s why punishment is not an effective method for teaching children, thus it should be banned.

On the other hand, psychologist believe that physical punishment in childhood will result in psychotic conditions in adulthood. Take robbers and murderers for example, studies show that almost all of them had a rough childhood where they were beaten verbally or physically. As a result, these children will lead unsuccessful lives in future. So, punishment is not the answer and should not be practiced in schools.

All in all, the effectiveness of punishment is not proven by any studies and punishment in any form should be banned. Instead of it, more modern and humane methods should be used in teaching to children, like encouraging them for their good behavior.

Re: Please assess this essay

Posted: Sat May 20, 2017 4:20 am
by David.IELTS.Examiner
Hello!

The first main paragraph simply goes in a circle without explaining why punishment works.

The second main paragraph does not flow logically either.

The conclusion introduces a new idea that should be developed in a main paragraph.

Overall, this is weak essay. The points do not adequately respond to the question. Vocabulary and grammar are limited in terms of range.

All the best,
David