Pleas review my writing task 2

[Dzzz]

Some people are concerned that children spend too much time on computers - playing games, chatting and watching videos. But all this time is actually good preparation for children, who will have to spend many hours on computers throughout their education and their working lives.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

In recent years children have become addictive to video games, internet and social networking thus spending too much chatting or playing. While some people think that this time is a good preparation for their student or working lives, I personally disagree with this point of view and will provide my opinion on this problem further in the essay.

Firstly, as many will agree, computer games have no relevance to a real life. They usually built around their own virtual world, like WarCraft. Often, they advertise violence and law-breaking, like Grand Theft Auto. Although there’s many games said to improve children’s logic or reaction, they usually find them not interesting to play. I convinced that there are lots of better ways to develop children's abilities.

Secondly, staying too long without any physical activities can harm children’s health and not only physical health but also mental. There are lots of examples of how, after spending too much time playing video games, children become addictive and had different kinds of mental disorders as a result. I believe that the main reason why children spend their time with a computer or a smartphone is because their parents are just too busy.

To conclude, I believe that in order to keep children from spending too much time living their virtual lives, parents have to dedicate some extra time to their kids. Camping or playing outdoor games might a better way of spending time for both parents and children.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

A very interesting question!

Introduction - It's not a 'problem', it's an 'issue'.

First main paragraph - You don't mention any better ways!

Second main paragraph - There's a sudden jump from the consequences to the cause. And little/no evidence is offered.

Overall, quite a weak essay. The grammar and vocabulary are quite basic and arguments are presented as assertions rather than as coherent points.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Some people are concerned that children spend too much time on computers - playing games, chatting and watching videos. But all this time is actually good preparation for children, who will have to spend many hours on computers throughout their education and their working lives.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

In recent years, children have become addicted to video games, internet and social networking, thus spending too much chatting or playing. While some people think that this time is a good preparation for their student or working lives, I personally disagree with this point of view and will provide my opinion on this issue in the essay.

Firstly, as many will agree, computer games have no relevance to real life. They are usually built around their own virtual world, like WarCraft. Often, they advertise violence and law-breaking, like Grand Theft Auto. Although there are many games said to improve children’s logic or reactions, they usually find them not interesting to play. I am convinced that there are many better ways to develop children's abilities.

Secondly, staying too long without any physical activities can harm children’s health, and not only physical health but also mental. There are lots of examples of how, after spending too much time playing video games, children become addicted and suffer different kinds of mental disorders as a result. I believe that the main reason why children spend their time with a computer or a smartphone is because their parents are just too busy.

To conclude, I believe that in order to keep children from spending too much time living their virtual lives, parents have to dedicate some extra time to their kids. Camping or playing outdoor games might a better way of spending time for both parents and children.