Task 2 Compulsory community service for students - Please, help to evaluate and estimate band

[vitor.rmachado]

Hi people,
Could you guys help me to correct my mistakes and to estimate the band of this essay?
Thanks in advance.


Question:
"Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example, working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children).
To what extent do you agree or disagree?"

It is often argued that volunteer work should be a mandatory part of high school programmes (for instance, working in charity events, ameliorating the neighborhood or teaching exercises to youngsters). In my way of thinking, students should be obligated to do unpaid community services in order to finish their studies. This essay will discuss, firstly, the benefits of volunteering for young people and secondly, the advantages of this kind of work to the society, followed by a reasoned conclusion.

Doing volunteer work frequently can lead to positive changes in the behaviour of individuals, especially if these individuals are young. After volunteering people start to become more empathetic, patient, tolerant, and ethical, and therefore students should be stimulated to do this kind of work in order to become better human beings. To illustrate, a research done by Yale University discovered that more than 92% of people who have done any kind of work at teenager became individuals concerned with social and environmental issues such as deforestation, animal killing, and starvation in third world countries.

Community services can also result in benefits for the society. Through volunteer work students can help to solve some common problems. For instance, students could do charity events to raise money to buy food or to construct shelter for homeless people. Also, they could help to reduce the quantity of garbage in the streets, creating events to collect and recycle rubbish. Moreover, students could be useful teaching sports and exercises to disabled people or to poor children who do not have access to sports facilities.

In conclusion, from my point of view, obligating students to do volunteer work would be beneficial for themselves and for the society. Schools should implement this idea in order to turn students in decent human beings and to make the world a better place.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

A quick internet search does not show that Yale has done any research on this topic. Why do you think that people who do not kill animals are better than other people? Do you eat meat?

The second main paragraph simply list things that students could do rather than saying why this helps society or the students.

Overall, no real arguments are presented. you haven't explored the argument that high schools students should study academic subjects or the point that the government should provide these services rather than using high school students.

All the best,
David

[vitor.rmachado]

Thank you very much, David!

[Flick]

Question:
"Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example, working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children).
To what extent do you agree or disagree?"

It is often argued that volunteer work should be a mandatory part of high school programmes (for instance, working in charity events, cleaning the neighborhood or teaching sports to youngsters). In my way of thinking, students should be obligated to do unpaid community service in order to finish their studies. This essay will discuss firstly, the benefits of volunteering for young people and secondly, the advantages of this kind of work to the society, followed by a reasoned conclusion.

Doing volunteer work frequently can lead to positive changes in the behaviour of individuals, especially if these individuals are young. After volunteering, people start to become more empathetic, patient, tolerant, and ethical, and therefore students should be encouraged to do this kind of work in order to become better human beings. To illustrate, a study done by Yale University discovered that more than 92% of people who have done any kind of work as a teenager became individuals concerned with social and environmental issues such as deforestation, animal killing, and starvation in third world countries.

Community service can also result in benefits for the society. Through volunteer work, students can help to solve some common problems. For instance, students could hold charity events to raise money to buy food or to construct shelters for homeless people. Also, they could help to reduce the quantity of garbage in the streets by creating events to collect and recycle rubbish. Moreover, students could be useful teaching sports and exercises to disabled people or to poor children who do not have access to sports facilities.

In conclusion, from my point of view, obligating students to do volunteer work would be beneficial for both the students and for the society. Schools should implement this idea in order to turn students into decent human beings and to make the world a better place.