Task 2, help me to improve my essay by some guidances

[simajoon2000]

Title: modern societies need specialists in certain fields, but not in others. Some people, therefore, think that governments should pay university fees for students who study subjects that are needed by society. Those who choose to study less relevant subjects should not receive government funding. What the advantages of such an educational policy outweigh the disadvantages?

Changes in scholarships in based on requirement of the modern world have recently turned a burning issue. While some people come to this belief that university tuition in specified field should been by governments, the main question is the amount of benefits against the drawbacks in following this method. I personally belief that if the modern world pursues this opinion, it would face with some advantages and drawbacks at the end. However, its benefits would outweigh its disadvantages. Two folds accompany my view.
Firstly and most important, not only progressing in some fields have resulted in improvement in the world, but also it makes a clear perspective for the future. It would be an illustration that medical science by inventing drugs as well as vaccination could save the human life. While there remains some dieses without caring, continuous research should be necessary.
Moreover, it is noted that the mechanism has affected our lives and extended our abilities. Therefor, allocating scholarships in some related field which can lead to giving strong power for facing against the inabilities of human would be wisdom. Admittedly, nobody could not ignore that the knowledge is a comprehensive issue and insist on contributing several aspects. However, the scholarships allocated in necessarily issue would encourage most researchers to spend their time in certain fields which was the most impressive.
By way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm that although directional scholarship could be a positive effect on the future of the modern world, some drawbacks would be accompanied. However, by noticing that medical science as well as engineering has revolutionized the world, it would be wisdom that those benefits from higher levels of the educational system.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

I'm afraid that I find it hard to understand parts of the answer. In particular, you need to distinguish between subjects that are socially useful and those that are less so.

All the best,
David

[asadurk]

Please review my essay too. Is it possible to get 7 or more bands by writing this type of stuff.

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With the turning wheel of time, the role of the specialists in certain educational programs has been increasing in our modern societies. Government should support the students of such fields by paying their fees in order to fulfill market need rather than those who study less relevant subjects, which has various benefits and drawbacks.

On the one hand, country or government can take several advantages of implementing this policy. The first and the foremost, most of the bright students will be able to take admission in such programs so that Government will able to have good workforce in future, which will play vital role in growing its economy and fulfilling market need. Moreover, government will be self-sustain with regards to workforce in those fields. For example, due to geography of Japan is deadly that’s why they face earthquake time by time. That’s why Japan mostly support students related to the earthquake program, whereas in other programs Japan rarely support such as in martial art, they hardly support. As a result, Japan has very good team and department of predicting, mitigating consequence and handling aftereffects of earthquake.

On the other hand, this policy is also beneficial for university and students. Firstly, students have a chance to get job easily with handsome package because the requirement of market. Secondly, university can use bright minds to establish and grow their research department so that its international rating will be boosted up and moreover, these researches may help whole world to take benefit from it. From example, now several fields of computer science are emerging. That’s why, by supporting these fields, government can serve its nation more rather than supporting other fields, such as English literature or philosophy.

In conclusion, I opine that there are various benefits of this strategy which will definitely outweigh its drawbacks that’s why implementing such policies will help governments, private sectors, universities and students to fulfill their needs and take the world in positive direction by progressing it.

[Flick]

Title: modern societies need specialists in certain fields, but not in others. Some people, therefore, think that governments should pay university fees for students who study subjects that are needed by society. Those who choose to study less relevant subjects should not receive government funding. What the advantages of such an educational policy outweigh the disadvantages?

Changes in scholarships is based on the requirements of the modern world have recently become a burning issue. While some people believe that university tuition in a specialist field should paid for by governments, the benefits versus the drawbacks of this program need to be considered. I personally believe that if the modern world pursues this option, it would face both advantages and drawbacks.(<--This is basically repeating the previous sentence. It is unnecessary.) However, its benefits would outweigh its disadvantages. Two folds accompany my view.(<--Delete this sentence.)

Firstly and most important, not only progressing in some fields have resulted in improvement in the world, but also it makes a clear perspective for the future.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) It would be an illustration that medical science by inventing drugs as well as vaccination could save the human life.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) While there remain some diseases without cure, continuous research is necessary.

Moreover, it is noted that the mechanism has affected our lives and extended our abilities.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) Therefore, allocating scholarships in some specialist fields can lead to giving strong power for facing against the inabilities of human would be wisdom.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) Admittedly, nobody can ignore that knowledge is a comprehensive issue and insist on contributing several aspects.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) However, the scholarships allocated in necessarily issue would encourage most researchers to spend their time in certain fields which was the most impressive.(<--I don't understand this sentence.)

By way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm that although scholarships for specialized fields could have a positive effect on the future of the modern world, some drawbacks would be experienced. However, by acknowledging that medical science and engineering have revolutionized the world, it would be wisdom that those benefits from higher levels of the educational system.(<--I don't understand this sentence.)

[Flick]

Please review my essay too. Is it possible to get 7 or more bands by writing this type of stuff.

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Recently, the role of specialists in certain educational programs has been increasing in our modern societies. The government should support the students of such fields by paying their fees in order to fulfill market need rather than those who study less relevant subjects. This plan has various benefits and drawbacks.

On the one hand, the country or government can take several advantages of implementing this policy. Firstly, most of the bright students will be able to be accepted into such programs so that the government will create a good workforce in future, which will play a vital role in growing the economy and fulfilling market need. Moreover, the government will be self-sustaining with regards to workforce in those fields.(<--I don't understand this sentence. What do you mean the government will be self-sustaining?) For example, due to the geography of Japan, the country regularly experience earthquakes. That’s why Japan mostly supports students studying in fields related to the earthquake program, whereas other programs Japan rarely receive support, such as martial arts. As a result, Japan has a very good team and department of predicting, mitigating consequences and handling the aftereffects of earthquakes.

On the other hand, this policy is also beneficial for universities and students. Firstly, students have a chance to get a job easily with handsome benefitsd because of market needs. Secondly, universities can use bright minds to establish and grow their research departments so that their international rating will be improved and moreover, these studies may help the whole world. For example, now several fields of computer science are emerging. That’s why, by supporting these fields, the government can serve its nation better instead of supporting other fields, such as English Literature or Philosophy.

In conclusion, I believe that there are various benefits of this strategy which definitely outweigh its drawbacks. Implementing such policies will help governments, private sectors, universities and students to fulfill their needs and take the world in a positive direction.