My first writing. Could you have a look pls?

Post your Task 1 or 2 response and/or read the responses of other students and provide feedback.
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porwinze
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Oct 26, 2013 12:01 pm

My first writing. Could you have a look pls?

Post by porwinze »

Could you please kindly comment and rate the score for this?

W task 2
topic : It is generally believed that some proper are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.
Discuss both theses views and give your own opinion.



:) Talent could be a dreamed ability that everyone longs for and it seems talented people are attractive to others. Many people hold the opinion that someone was born with certain talents and others are not. Those who disagree point out that any child can be taught and become good at sport or music. These points of view will be discussed in this order.
:) It is believed that one cannot learn to become a talent, he should be born that way. For instance, Sungha Jung, a young new blood master of guitar, he has really wonderful guitar skills and can play many difficult songs that other guitar players cannot do even they put an effort on that. Thus, it is clear why some people gravitate towards this point of view.
:) On the other hand, many argue that, it is possible to be taught and get a talent. To illustrate this, in China, every year numbers of children who want to be good in gymnastic or to be successful in this career, they has trained very hard since they were young and it is obviously seen that chinese is one of the most powerful team in this sport. After analysing these fact, it is clear why many support this claim.
:) For reasons this look at how people criticise about talent. In my opinion, it is agreed that talented man was born with an amazing ability and not easy to learn or be taught to be as good as a real talent. Thus, it is recommended that people should be thankful what they have.


ps. it's my first time here and when looking as a preview, I don't know how to make a space each paragraph so just put smiley face instead
yash567blr
Posts: 16
Joined: Sun Oct 20, 2013 2:52 pm

Re: My first writing. Could you have a look pls?

Post by yash567blr »

I am not an expert, i'm also learning here :)
Overall content of the essay has to be improved!

Talent could be a dreamed ability that everyone longs for and it seems talented people are attractive to others. Many people hold the opinion that someone was born with certain talents and others are not. Those who disagree point out that any child can be taught and become good at sport or music. These points of view will be discussed in this order.
:) It is believed that one cannot learn to become a talent <talented>, he should be born that way. For instance, Sungha Jung, a young new blood master of guitar, he has really wonderful guitar skills and can play many difficult songs that other guitar players cannot do even <when> they put an effort on that. Thus, it is clear why some people gravitate towards this point of view.
:) On the other hand, many argue that, it is possible to be taught and get a talent. To illustrate this, in China, every year numbers <number> of children who want to be good in gymnastic or to be successful in this career, they has <have> trained very hard since they were young and it is obviously seen that chinese is <are> one of the most powerful team in this sport <You should reframe this sentence> . After analysing these fact <facts>, it is clear why many support this claim.
:) For reasons this look at how people criticise about talent <You should reframe this sentence>. In my opinion, it is agreed that talented man was born with an amazing ability and not easy to learn or be taught to be as good as a real talent. Thus, it is recommended that people should be thankful <to> what they have.
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