Please rate my GT task 1

[npr.ielts7]

Hello,
Please rate my GT task1.

You are living near a public park and the condition of this park is getting worse than before. Write a letter to the park management and say
- Why are you interested in this park?
- What are the problems you are facing?
- What are your suggestions for improvement?

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to bring to your kind attention the current state of the park near my apartment. I am visiting this park for many years and use it mainly for my morning walks. I regret to say that the condition has deteriorated and it is no longer what it used to be in the past.

The underground drainage has broken for several weeks now. The sewage form it has flown on to jogger’s track and made the track unusable. The water from the drainage has created a pond near the entrance of the park and this has become a breeding place for many parasites. I request the park management to repair the drainage system and clean the lawn as soon as possible.

Also, the park is not monitored adequately, especially during nights. Some people are taking advantage of this situation in a wrong way. I suggest, management should consider installing CCTV’s in the park and appoint a man on duty to monitor illegal activities.

I hope the management addresses these issues on priority.

Yours faithfully,
npr.

[bunni015]

Hello,
Please rate my GT task1.

You are living near a public park and the condition of this park is getting worse than before. Write a letter to the park management and say
- Why are you interested in this park?
- What are the problems you are facing?
- What are your suggestions for improvement?

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to bring to your kind attention the current state of the park near my apartment. I am visiting this park for many years and use it mainly for my morning walks. I regret to say that the condition has deteriorated and it is no longer what it used to be in the past.

The underground drainage has broken for several weeks now. The sewage form it has flown on to jogger’s track and made the track unusable. The water from the drainage has created a pond near the entrance of the park and this has become a breeding place for many parasites. I request the park management to repair the drainage system and clean the lawn as soon as possible.

Also, the park is not monitored adequately, especially during nights. Some people are taking advantage of this situation in a wrong way. I suggest, management should consider installing CCTV’s in the park and appoint a man on duty to monitor illegal activities.

I hope the management addresses these issues on priority.

Yours faithfully,
npr.

I think, I am not good enough in evaluating grammatical accuracy.But there's nothing wrong in taking a chance.Below, you can find rephrased letter. I augmented it by including some vocabulary and word count.

I felt, the third paragraph is not required. Because you have already jotted to issues related to question "What are the problems you are facing?" This is because you have to keep in mind about word count and Time that you can spend. The time you save later can be used for proofreading.

Talking about question one " Why are you interested in this park" I simply mentioned " Because I consider it as a place to relax stretch and play."

Dear Sir / Madam

I am writing this, to request your aid in reconstructing the ruined “Joggers Park” nearby 5th, street. I am a local resident, who have been visiting the park for many years and considered it as place to relax, stretch, and play. In recent times,negligence is observed towards its maintenance, which resulted in many visitor inconveniences.

It has been observed for a period of time that the underground sewage pipe has broken. The sewage water is getting sprinkled on to jogger’s track and made it hideous to jog. In addition, this waste water flows towards the main entrance, forming a pool of sewage water. This pool has become a breeding place for many parasites.

For a while, as an initial measure I would suggest the authorities to shutdown the park. Because pool can become a reason for spreading viral infections. Latter, request the incumbents to replace the damaged sewage pipe and take appropriate measures to revive the public property.


Yours faithfully,
Bunni

Total words : 165

[delvydavis]

Hi
Your letter looks good. Olny few corrections.

I am visiting this park for many >>>>> I have been visiting
It used to be in the past >> passive voice. Change it to active. Better to rewrite the sentence. "It is no longer the same what it was"

I am writing to bring to your kind attention ON the current state (situation) of the park (give a name to the park)

The sewage "from" it

flown? It can be "spread" right?

I request the park management to repair >>> You are writing to them, right?

BR
Delvy

[bunni015]

Hi Delvy


Can you please comment on my writing.

Regards
Bunni

[npr.ielts7]

Hello delvydavis,
Thank you for your feedback.
Could also tell me what the probable band score for this letter?

Hi
Your letter looks good. Olny few corrections.

I am visiting this park for many >>>>> I have been visiting
It used to be in the past >> passive voice. Change it to active. Better to rewrite the sentence. "It is no longer the same what it was"

I am writing to bring to your kind attention ON the current state (situation) of the park (give a name to the park)

The sewage "from" it

flown? It can be "spread" right?

I request the park management to repair >>> You are writing to them, right?

BR
Delvy

[delvydavis]

Hello delvydavis,
Thank you for your feedback.
Could also tell me what the probable band score for this letter?

Marking is not my section. Because, I didn't check this letter according to the IELTS grading, such as task achievement, cohesion, etc. So, Let us ask Ryan


If I am at a gun point, I will give a maximum score of 6.5.

BR.
Delvy

[delvydavis]

]Dear Sir / Madam

I am writing this, <<<< coma?? write down the word - "letter" to request your aid in reconstructing the ruined “Joggers Park” nearby << no need for by 5th, << comma? street. I am a local resident,<<< comma? who have been visiting << passive voice! change it to >> who is visiting the park for many years and considered it as a place to relax, stretch, and play. In recent times, <<Recently negligence is observed << passive voice! towards its maintenance, which resulted in many visitor inconveniences. << inconveniences to the visitors

It has been observed << another passive voice for a period of time that the underground sewage pipe has broken. The sewage water is getting sprinkled on to jogger’s track and made it hideous to jog. In addition, this waste water flows towards the main entrance[, forming a pool of sewage water<< where a pool is formed >> avoid multiple commas in a sentence]. This pool has become a breeding place for many parasites.

For a while, << avoid this, as an initial measure I would suggest the authorities to shut down the park. Because pool can become a reason for spreading viral infections. [ << or rewrite these two sentences together which will make probably a complex sentence as well as to make the sentence more beautiful >> Because of the threat like spreading viral infections, I would suggest the authorities to shut down the park for a while.] Latter, request the incumbents to replace the damaged sewage pipe and take appropriate measures to revive the public property.


Yours faithfully,
Bunni[/color]



Total words : 165

Bunny, I have been noticing your essays and letters here for a while which looks pretty good. Just make sure to proof read before posting.