Hi Please correct this essay and give me the band score

[candy07]

Essay question - Many children today find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention in school . What could you think are the possible causes ? What are the possible solutions .

The power to concentrate and ability to focus are considered to be the major attributes for the success of an individual. However, in the modern world , many children find it difficult to concentrate and pay attention in the school. This is clearly exhibited by the increase in number of cases of attention deficit disorder among children now a days . Distraction caused by electronic gadgets and improper diet are suggested as the possible causes for lack of attention. Solutions such as parental intervention and nutritious diet will be analysed for viability.
Firstly , it is believed that parental strictness will help children to limit the time they spend watching television and surfing internet . For example in a recent survey in U.S. it has been proved that children who spend less than three hours a day watching television have better focus on their studies and acquire good academic grades . Thus , effectiveness of this suggested solution in improving concentration can be clearly seen.
Secondly , to address the issue of improper diet and routine , children should be encouraged to eat nutritious food and follow routine. For instance , in many health related studies the link between lack of certain vitamins and minerals in body and attention deficit disorder has been established . This makes it obvious that good diet plays an important role in increasing concentration . Thus eating nutritious diet is suggested as a promising solution to the problem.
To conclude , it is felt that restricting the time spent on television, internet and having healthy diet will help children to increase the ability to focus , concentrate and pay attention in schools. It is thus hoped that these solutions are put into place as soon as possible so that children may improve their attentiveness in schools and enhance their learning skills.

[IndianHarry]

Essay question - Many children today find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention in school . What could you think are the possible causes ? What are the possible solutions .

The power to concentrate and ability to focus are considered to be the major attributes for the success of an individual. However, in the modern world , many children find it difficult to concentrate and pay attention in the school. This is clearly exhibited by the increase in number of cases of attention deficit disorder among children nowadays . Distraction caused by electronic gadgets and improper diet are suggested as the possible causes for lack of attention. Solutions such as parental intervention and nutritious diet will be analysed for viability.

Firstly , it is believed that parental strictness will help children to limit the time they spend watching television and surfing internet . For example in a recent survey in U.S. it has been proved that children who spend less than three hours a day watching television have better focus on their studies and acquire good academic grades . Thus, reducing the time children spend on the television would be a viable solution to bring back their ability to concentrate.

Secondly , to address the issue of improper diet and routine , children should be encouraged to eat nutritious food and follow routine. For instance , in many health related studies the link between lack of certain vitamins and minerals in body and attention deficit disorder has been established . This makes it obvious that good diet plays an important role in increasing concentration . Thus eating nutritious diet is suggested as a promising solution to the problem.

To conclude , it is felt that restricting the time spent on television, internet and having healthy diet will help children to increase the ability to focus , concentrate and pay attention in schools. It is thus hoped that these solutions are put into place as soon as possible so that children may improve their attentiveness in schools and enhance their learning skills.

Good one. You just need to structure it a little bit more properly. Perhaps devoting one paragraph to the reasons and two to the solutions.

About the last line of your essay, I urge you not sound personally invested as this tends to take a bit of the academic tone out your essay. Using passive voice is good as you have used at many places. But it is not substitute for appearing 'uninvested' and academic. (eg:- "It is thus hoped"). I had this same problem but have sorted it out now. This essay+comments may help you. ( Read Ryan's comment). http://www.ieltsnetwork.com/viewtopic.p ... 4075#p4075

Also, it would be even better to name a university or institute that carried out the specific research you were mentioning. ( Just make it up).

I have no experience in Band scoring but this looks like a 7-7.5 essay to me.

[candy07]

Thanks a lot for your time and effort . Can you please be more specific as to what changes are required in the last line

Thanks again

[IndianHarry]

Thanks a lot for your time and effort . Can you please be more specific as to what changes are required in the last line

Thanks again

Rather the last paragraph.

You can just remove the "it is felt" part and the sentence will still make sense.

"It is thus hoped that these solutions are put into place as soon as possible so that children may improve their attentiveness in schools and enhance their learning skills."

These two (red areas) specifically make it sound like you are urging that these steps be taken. You should just say that these are the possible solutions and not sound persuasive. Something like -

" These are the measures that can help children regain their focus and enhance their learning skills"

In certain essays where your opinion is pin-pointedly asked , you have the room to use personal pronouns like "My" "I" but still there is no place for being persuasive.

I hope this helps. I can clearly see that you have it to score 8+ bands. Just the little things that need to be sorted out.

[candy07]

Hi Indian Harry

Many thanks for your detailed and scrutinized view on my essay
I will implement the suggestions , I have posted one more essay on changing careers ( in the previous reply you sent me a link).
Please take some time to go through the essay and give your reviews

Thanks again