Hi everyone. I've stopped training for a long while after getting a sufficient band score for a scholarship. Now that I have some spare time I would love to improve the score further. Please give feedback for the following task 2 writing.
Many people believe that it is easier to have a healthy lifestyle in the countryside. Others believe that there are health benefits of living in cities. Discuss both views and give your opinions
Health is a common concern for modern people. Many believe that it is more straightforward to live healthily in the countryside while others maintain that living in a metropolitan area can benefit health. A closer look at the issue will help in assessing these views.
Undoubtedly, it is much simpler to live a healthy life in non-urban areas. First, the smaller number of people means the environment is cleaner, which can positively affect people's health. Indeed, many resorts and treatment facilities are explicitly built in areas far away from large cities. Furthermore, the slower pace of living and wider open spaces in the countryside provides a lot more chances to exercise. A personal example would be the fact that it would take me an hour to drive to the nearest hiking location now that I am living near the city center, while I could go hiking a lot more frequently when I was living in the countryside last year. Thus, I would argue that having a healthy lifestyle in the countryside is easier.
Many argue that city life is beneficial for people's health. Firstly, while there are fewer natural places for exercising, the number of fitness centers more than make up for this shortcoming. In addition, living in the city also gives people easier access to health services like regular health check-ups, which can help them detect serious illness early and potentially save their lives. However, the city's pollution is detrimental to physical well-being, and the large number of people and the fast pace of life always bring stress that harms their mental health. The exercise and health services might not be able to outweigh this adverse effect. Therefore, I believe that while there are benefits, life in the city is more harmful.
In conclusion, in my view, it is indeed simpler to live a healthy life in the country. On the other hand, living in the city life does have its advantages, but the drawbacks can be more significant.
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[Task 2] Healthy lifestyle. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated
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ltfironhand
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goldcoastielts
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Re: [Task 2] Healthy lifestyle. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated
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Thanks for your submission Itfironhand!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO::
Health is a common concern for modern people. Many believe that it is more straightforward to live healthily in the countryside while others maintain that living in a metropolitan area can benefit health. A closer look at the issue will help in assessing these views.
B1:
Undoubtedly, it is much simpler to live a healthy life in non-urban areas. First, the smaller number of people means the environment is cleaner, which can positively affect people's health. Indeed, many resorts and treatment facilities are explicitly built in areas far away from large cities. Furthermore, the slower pace of living and wider open spaces in the countryside PROVIDE a lot more chances to exercise. A personal example would be the fact that it would take me an hour to drive to the nearest hiking location now that I am living near the city center, while I could go hiking a lot more frequently when I was living in the countryside last year. Thus, I would argue that having a healthy lifestyle in the countryside is easier.
B2:
ON THE OTHER HAND, many argue that city life is AS beneficial for people's health AS LIVING IN THE COUNTRYSIDE. Firstly, while there are fewer natural places for exercising, the number of fitness centers more than MAKES up for this shortcoming. In addition, living in the city also gives people easier access to health services like regular health check-ups, which can help them detect serious ILLNESSES EARLIER and potentially save their lives. However, (change "the city's pollution") THE POLLUTION IN A CITY/CITIES is detrimental to physical well-being, and the large number of people and the fast pace of life always BRINGS stress that harms their mental health. The exercise and health services might not be able to outweigh this adverse effect. Therefore, I believe that while there are benefits, life in the city OVERALL is more harmful.
CONC:
In conclusion, in my view, it is indeed simpler to live a healthy life in the country. On the other hand, living in the city life does have its advantages, but the drawbacks can be more significant.
Really good essay! It is nearly perfect in my opinion.
Advice:
1. On two occasions you made subject-verb errors. The first was with 'provides' and the second with 'makes'. Be careful of these small errors because more than 3 or 4 like this will probably stop you from getting a score over 7.5-8.0.
2. It could help to add a few linking phrases (beginning of B2) and also add some adverbs for more nuanced meanings.
Band-score:
TA: 8.5
G: 8.5
V: 8.5
CC: 7.5 (Try to connect between sentences a bit more)
IELTS essay check : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/essays
Online IELTS lessons : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/lessons
IELTS Freebies!! : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/freebies
YouTube - "Task 2 Academic - "CRITICAL THINKING 2" : https://youtu.be/ZYzXxG8lTTk
Thanks for your submission Itfironhand!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO::
Health is a common concern for modern people. Many believe that it is more straightforward to live healthily in the countryside while others maintain that living in a metropolitan area can benefit health. A closer look at the issue will help in assessing these views.
B1:
Undoubtedly, it is much simpler to live a healthy life in non-urban areas. First, the smaller number of people means the environment is cleaner, which can positively affect people's health. Indeed, many resorts and treatment facilities are explicitly built in areas far away from large cities. Furthermore, the slower pace of living and wider open spaces in the countryside PROVIDE a lot more chances to exercise. A personal example would be the fact that it would take me an hour to drive to the nearest hiking location now that I am living near the city center, while I could go hiking a lot more frequently when I was living in the countryside last year. Thus, I would argue that having a healthy lifestyle in the countryside is easier.
B2:
ON THE OTHER HAND, many argue that city life is AS beneficial for people's health AS LIVING IN THE COUNTRYSIDE. Firstly, while there are fewer natural places for exercising, the number of fitness centers more than MAKES up for this shortcoming. In addition, living in the city also gives people easier access to health services like regular health check-ups, which can help them detect serious ILLNESSES EARLIER and potentially save their lives. However, (change "the city's pollution") THE POLLUTION IN A CITY/CITIES is detrimental to physical well-being, and the large number of people and the fast pace of life always BRINGS stress that harms their mental health. The exercise and health services might not be able to outweigh this adverse effect. Therefore, I believe that while there are benefits, life in the city OVERALL is more harmful.
CONC:
In conclusion, in my view, it is indeed simpler to live a healthy life in the country. On the other hand, living in the city life does have its advantages, but the drawbacks can be more significant.
Really good essay! It is nearly perfect in my opinion. Advice:
1. On two occasions you made subject-verb errors. The first was with 'provides' and the second with 'makes'. Be careful of these small errors because more than 3 or 4 like this will probably stop you from getting a score over 7.5-8.0.
2. It could help to add a few linking phrases (beginning of B2) and also add some adverbs for more nuanced meanings.
Band-score:
TA: 8.5
G: 8.5
V: 8.5
CC: 7.5 (Try to connect between sentences a bit more)
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ltfironhand
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Sun Aug 17, 2014 1:09 am
Re: [Task 2] Healthy lifestyle. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated
Hi Anthony,
Thank you so much. My confidence was greatly boosted after reading your feedback. I still have a long way to go, because this essay is the result of several rewrites. It's still good to know that I'm able to achieve a high level in writing.
Your suggestions are spot on. My first language is Vietnamese, which does not have S-V agreements, so I tend to make a lot of mistakes in that regard, even after using English for a long time. Also, I sometimes struggle to express exactly what I mean in a sentence.
I have questions about two of your corrections.
1. The topic sentence of B2. In the question, the second opinion is "Others believe that there are health benefits of living in cities", which is a bit different from "city life is AS beneficial for people's health AS LIVING IN THE COUNTRYSIDE". So how much should I infer from the question?
2. Should I use possessive clauses? I read somewhere that using possessive clause improve clarity, that I used "the city's pollution" instead of the "THE POLLUTION IN A CITY/CITIES"
Thank you again for your valued support!
Thank you so much. My confidence was greatly boosted after reading your feedback. I still have a long way to go, because this essay is the result of several rewrites. It's still good to know that I'm able to achieve a high level in writing.
Your suggestions are spot on. My first language is Vietnamese, which does not have S-V agreements, so I tend to make a lot of mistakes in that regard, even after using English for a long time. Also, I sometimes struggle to express exactly what I mean in a sentence.
I have questions about two of your corrections.
1. The topic sentence of B2. In the question, the second opinion is "Others believe that there are health benefits of living in cities", which is a bit different from "city life is AS beneficial for people's health AS LIVING IN THE COUNTRYSIDE". So how much should I infer from the question?
2. Should I use possessive clauses? I read somewhere that using possessive clause improve clarity, that I used "the city's pollution" instead of the "THE POLLUTION IN A CITY/CITIES"
Thank you again for your valued support!
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goldcoastielts
- Posts: 206
- Joined: Mon Aug 03, 2020 1:34 am
- Location: Gold Coast, Australia
- Contact:
Re: [Task 2] Healthy lifestyle. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated
Hi Itfironhand!
I thought it would have been a rewrite or at least a piece of work that took more than 40 minutes to write. But that's fine, you can slowly decrease the time needed. It was a very good job.
Thanks for your great questions..
1. In the topic sentence of your B2 I added the linking phrase and 'as' to give it a little more context and connect it to the B1. Without these two elements it sounded very sudden and abrupt. To my mind the question was asking you to compare the two different locations, so even a soft comparison using 'as' will be very nice. It is linking back to the B1 and pointing the reader towards your conclusion.
2. When you said "the city's pollution" it sounded like the definite article was referring back to a city mentioned in an earlier part of the B2, like New York or Bangkok, but there was no city so it was a little confusing. If you had mentioned a real city previously, this would have been OK, but I changed it to avoid referencing misunderstanding.
Thanks!
I thought it would have been a rewrite or at least a piece of work that took more than 40 minutes to write. But that's fine, you can slowly decrease the time needed. It was a very good job.
Thanks for your great questions..
1. In the topic sentence of your B2 I added the linking phrase and 'as' to give it a little more context and connect it to the B1. Without these two elements it sounded very sudden and abrupt. To my mind the question was asking you to compare the two different locations, so even a soft comparison using 'as' will be very nice. It is linking back to the B1 and pointing the reader towards your conclusion.
2. When you said "the city's pollution" it sounded like the definite article was referring back to a city mentioned in an earlier part of the B2, like New York or Bangkok, but there was no city so it was a little confusing. If you had mentioned a real city previously, this would have been OK, but I changed it to avoid referencing misunderstanding.
Thanks!