Task 2 Influence of adverts. please help!

[Twinkle]

Some people say the advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Other people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

It is considered by some that advertising plays a huge role in our decision making while there are others who think that they are no longer influenced by it. In my opinion, advertisements can leave their imprints on our minds and we tend to buy products according to it.

To begin with, some think that mass advertisement has become a rudimentary part of our daily life. People see billboards, commercial breaks and print ads multiple times each day, and as a result, they are likely to become so accustomed to them that these commercials start to get faded into the background for them. When people watch TV and an ad breaks come, they are no longer interested in them, so they just flick the button and change the channel. The reason for doing this is that many consciously try to avoid these adverts as their persistent presence has lost the desired effect anymore.

On the other hand, I think that product owners are aware of the power that effective advertising can have on the minds of their target audience. They use strategic marketing tools that inadvertently influence consumers into purchasing their products. One way of doing this is to create a hype around a product and market it in a way to create an image which is larger than life. For example, the launch of the latest iphone model was so well publicized that even before it hit the shelves, thousands of people had already pre-ordered them without any need to look at a demo model. Hence, this shows a deeper effect that good advertisement can have.

To conclude, even though it is believed that too much exposure to advertisements can lead to people becoming indifferent towards them, in my view, for many promotions are still quite relevant and their decisions are influenced by them.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission twinkle!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
It is considered by some that advertising plays .. SOME CONSIDER ADVERTISING TO PLAY a huge role in our decision making while there are others who think that they are no longer influenced by it .. IT NO LONGER INFLUENCES THEM. In my opinion, advertisements can leave LASTING imprints on our minds and we tend to buy products according to THOSE IMPRINTS.

B1:
To begin with, some think that mass advertisement has .. ADVERTISEMENTS HAVE/ADVERTISING HAS become a rudimentary part of our daily LIVES. People see billboards, commercial breaks and print ads multiple times each day, and as a result, they are likely to become so accustomed to them that these commercials start to get faded .. FADE into the background for them. When people watch TV and an ad BREAK comeS, they are no longer interested in IT, so they just flick the button and change the channel. The reason for doing this is that many PEOPLE consciously try to avoid these adverts as their persistent presence .. has lost the desired effect anymore. REWRITE: THE REASON FOR DOING THIS IS THAT THE PERSISTENT PRESENCE OF THESE ADVERTS HAS LEAD TO A DIMINUTION IN DESIRED EFFECT, AND AN INCREASE IN ANNOYANCE FOR VIEWERS.

B2:
On the other hand, I think that product owners are aware of the power that effective advertising can have on the minds of their target audience. They use strategic marketing tools that inadvertently influence consumers into purchasing their products, AND ONE way of doing this is to create (delete 'a') hype around a product and market it in a way THAT createS an image which is larger than life. For example, the launch of the latest iphone model was so well publicized that even before it hit the shelves, thousands of people had already pre-ordered them without any need to look at a demo model. Hence, this shows (delete 'a') THE deeper effect that good advertisement ADVERTISEMENTS/ADVERTISING can have.

CONC:
To conclude, even though it is believed that too much exposure to advertisements can lead to people becoming indifferent towards them, in my view, for many, (add comma here. Without the comma it feels like 'many' and 'promotions' are together, but I think this means 'many people', right?) promotions are still quite relevant and PEOPLES' decisions are STILL influenced by them TO A GREAT DEGREE.



"WOW! Overall I think this essay is 8.0 or more. I don't want to give you more than 8.0 because then you might become complacent. I think ... if you keep on producing great stuff in this way, in all aspects of your life, you are bound to succeed one day..."

Advice:
1. I think 'it' in the last sentence of the intro refers to advertisements, which are countable.
2. Because you are writing very complex sentences, I think on a number of occasions you lost track of the noun-number relationships within sentences. Good examples are the second and third sentences of the B1. This is something essential in English if you want to be able to write highly accurate academic passages. Are you thinking of going to university somewhere Twinkle??
3. Referencing is also a little off in places. Check the fourth sentence on the B1. Who or what is 'their' presence referring to?
4. Sometimes a simple rewrite will fix any problems with comprehension, as in S4 in B1.
5. 'hype' is uncountable

Band-score:
TA: 8.0
G: 8.0
V: 8.0
CC: 7.0 (This is probable the one area with room to improve a fair bit more)

[Twinkle]

thanks a million dear Anthony Schultz. i really appreciate your comments and trying to work on them. I am a medical student and I have cleared licensing exams of the USA. I have applied for a medical residency and I need ielts for that purpose. I have booked 12th December, so fingers crossed. Hopefully will get a 7 this time in writing.

[goldcoastielts]

Oh that's great! Good luck with your residency in the USA . And thanks for sharing with the people on the forum. I think it will definitely be inspirational for a lot of people!

[Twinkle]

Dear Anthony Schultz, I just want to let you know that i took the exam last week and got an amazing band overall 8 and in writing 7. I want to thankyou for your amazing evaluation. You were first person who had actually shown me what were my weaknesses, before that I was so clueless. I have took professional help twice but it didnt help much. Thank you again. You are an amazing amazing person.

[goldcoastielts]

Wow good job Twinkle!
You did it! Glad I could help you get your 7.0 in writing for your future.

Now you can go to the USA ....