Task 1. Australian tea and coffee drinking habit

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Twinkle
Posts: 15
Joined: Mon Oct 26, 2020 2:01 am

Task 1. Australian tea and coffee drinking habit

Post by Twinkle »

I am trying to fix my task 1 nowadays. Please help Anthony Schultz, kindly give your advice
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The given bar graph shares the information about a survey conducted to show how Australian citizens in five different cities consumed coffee and tea in the last four weeks. Overall, the graph shows that the majority of Australian residents from these cities bought their beverages by visiting cafes except Adelaide, where buying instant coffee was more popular. Additionally, fresh coffee appeared to be less popular in all the cities.

Looking now at those who went to cafes to get their coffee, these proportion of Australian residents from Sydney, Melbourne and Hobart were similar between 61% to 63%. These percentages were almost 10% more than in Adelaide and just around 5% more than in Brisbane. However, the number of citizens who preferred instant coffee in Hobart in the last 4 weeks stood at just under 55%, whereas in Sydney it was 10%.

Moving on to the fresh coffee, Less than half of Sydney and Melbourne residents preferred it over instant coffee and visiting cafes. This number of coffee drinkers fell to less than 40% in Hobart, whereas in Brisbane and Adelaide it was 10% less.
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goldcoastielts
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Re: Task 1. Australian tea and coffee drinking habit

Post by goldcoastielts »

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Thanks for your submission twinkle!! Please see my rewrite below ... :ugeek:

INTRO:
The given bar graph shares (delete 'the') SOME/NOTHING information about a survey conducted to show how Australian citizens in five different cities consumed coffee and tea in the last four weeks .. COFFEE AND TEA CONSUMPTION HABITS OF AUSTRALIANS IN FIVE DIFFERENT CITIES IN THE LAST FOUR WEEKS. Overall, the graph shows that the majority of Australian residents from these cities bought their beverages by visiting cafes, (add comma) except Adelaide, where buying instant coffee was more popular. Additionally, fresh coffee appeared to be less popular in all the cities.

DETAILS AND COMPARISON:
Looking now at those who went to cafes to get their coffee, THE proportionS of Australian residents from Sydney, Melbourne and Hobart were similar (between 61% AND 63%). These percentages were almost 10% more than in Adelaide and just around 5% more than in Brisbane .. JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE THAN BRISBANE, WHICH REGISTERED 5%. However, the number of citizens who preferred instant coffee in Hobart in the last 4 weeks stood at just under 55%, whereas in Sydney it was 10%. Moving on to the fresh coffee, Less (no capital 'l') than half of Sydney and Melbourne residents preferred it over instant coffee and visiting cafes. This number of coffee drinkers fell to less than 40% in Hobart, whereas in Brisbane and Adelaide it was 10% less.


God job! Much better than the one a few days ago!! :ugeek: ukflag :ugeek: ukflag

ADVICE:
1. If you are adding information about an idea, make sure you use commas properly ("except Adelaide")
2. Parentheses are very useful for giving number information and ranges.
3. You could add a summary, but it's not really necessary because you covered all the main information quite well and used the "Overall..." sentence in the introduction.
4. I combined your paragraphs 2 and 3 into one big details and comparison section. This is really a stylistic choice and depends on your personal preference.

BAND-SCORE:
TA: 7.0
G: 6.5
V: 7.0
CC: 7.0
Last edited by goldcoastielts on Thu Jan 07, 2021 3:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
Anthony Schultz :arrow: :arrow:
Full-time IELTS teacher | Gold Coast, Australia
www.goldcoastielts.com
Twinkle
Posts: 15
Joined: Mon Oct 26, 2020 2:01 am

Re: Task 1. Australian tea and coffee drinking habit

Post by Twinkle »

Thanks for your detailed review. I am still trying to get hang of using commas. I will try harder.
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