Task 1 sports centre renovation. Please help

[Twinkle]

Screenshot_20201108-182338_Adobe Acrobat.jpg (271.77 KiB) Viewed 6904 times

The two floor plans describe the current layout and the future changes that will take place in a University sports centre.

Overall, the layouts show the sports centre will undergo major renovations. The two outdoor courts on each side of the centre will be removed to give space to new facilities such as a leisure pool, dance studios and a sports hall.

Discussing the changes that will take place in the east of the centre, the outdoor court situated on that side will convert into a sports hall with two dance studios being added at the peripheral walls. The gym is going to be extended and will double in size.

Moving on to the west side, where the second outdoor court is situated that will be replaced by a leisure pool. Two new changing rooms will be added to each corner towards the South of the sports center with an adjacent sports shop and cafe.

[rayanm729]

Your task length is just sufficient meeting 155 words. You accurately summarize the key features, well done.

You need to add more linking words and vary your sentence types. There are some small grammar errors I've noticed as well, but your vocabulary is sound. Maybe also pay attention to location more... (The gym , which is situated towards the north end of the fitness club is going to be extended and will double in size.

Always remember for maps to note anything that has been renovated, removed, or is new.

Good luck!

[Twinkle]

Thanks rayanm729 for your advice.

Dear Anthony Schultz can u please give your expert comments and a band score. I am planning to book the exam in next two weeks. This is going to be my third attempt. And i really badly need 7 in writing it this time.

[goldcoastielts]

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YouTube - "TASK 1 INTRO SENTENCE 1" : https://youtu.be/KIOV_hClGmI



Thanks for your submission twinkle!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
The two floor plans describe .. SHOW/ILLUSTRATE the current layout and the future changes that will take place in a university (small 'u') sports centre BOTH BEFORE AND AFTER A NUMBER OF PLANNED CHANGES. Overall, the TWO SEPARATE layouts show THAT the sports centre will undergo major RENOVATION (uncountable sounds better). The two outdoor courts on each side of the centre will be removed to give space to new facilities such as a leisure pool, dance studios and a sports hall.

DETAILS AND COMPARISON:
Discussing .. LOOKING NOW AT the changes that will take place in the east of the centre, WE CAN SEE THAT / TAKING A MORE DETAILED VIEW, WE CAN SEE THAT the outdoor court situated on that side will BE convertED into a sports hall with two dance studios WHICH WILL BE added at the peripheral walls. The gym is ALSO going to be extended and will double in size. Moving on to the west side, where the second outdoor court is situated that will be replaced by a leisure pool .. IT APPEARS THAT THE OTHER OUTDOOR COURT WILL BE REPLACED BY A LEISURE POOL. FINALLY, two new changing rooms will be added to each corner towards the South AT THE SOUTH-WEST AND SOUTH-EAST CORNERS of the sports center with an adjacent A BRAND NEW sports shop and cafe SITUATED JUST INSIDE THE ENTRANCE IN FRONT OF THE RECEPTION.

SUMMARY:
TO SUMMARISE, AFTER RENOVATIONS THE SPORTS CENTRE WILL HAVE A MUCH WIDER RANGE OF FACILITIES THAN IT CURRENTLY DOES, WHICH WILL PROBABLY MAKE IT MORE APPEALING TO MORE PEOPLE.

Advice:
1. 'describe' would be better to use for a question, rather than visual charts or maps.
2. In the first paragraph (INTRO), you should keep it clean by having two sentences: S1: paraphrase of the title and S2: the key or 'overall' trend.
3. If you prefer to write it in a different style, you could move the S2 of the introduction into the third paragraph, and use it instead as a 'summary'.
4. The main piece of advice would be to organise the essay a little better. Your one has four quite short paragraphs. I rearranged it to have a short intro, details and comparison, and a final (optional) summary.
5. Try to use a little more sequencing language (finally...)

Band-score:
TA: 6.0
G: 6.5 (good use of passives)
V: 6.0
CC: 6.0

[Twinkle]

Thanks for your detailed answer. I definitely need to up my game. I note down all the corrections u made and will work on them.

[goldcoastielts]

Hi Twinkle,
Yes if you want to get 7.0 in the task 1 you need to make a few little changes to the way you write it.
But if you just do those simple things I described in the advice section, that could be enough to get you there!

Keep on going!!