Task 2. Inadequate Sleep. Please review

[Twinkle]

Nowadays many people complain that they have difficulties getting enough sleep.
What problem can lack of sleep cause? What can be done about lack of sleep?


Sleep deprivation is one of the common problems people are experiencing these days. Many people complain that because of improper sleep they are unable to concentrate and feel groggy during the day time. The solution involves different techniques which may include maintaining sleep hygiene.

To begin with, work performance and studies get affected if people are not able to take proper sleep. Many people who experience sleep problems cite that their daily activities are disturbed because of it. They are not able to concentrate on the given task and their work gets adversely affected by this. Similarly, those students who stay awake till late night are not able to pay attention during lectures. As a consequence, their precious time is wasted, and this can have an impact on their grades

Moving on the solutions, which proved to have higher success rate in most cases if applied correctly. Many studies have established a link between insomnia and the use of electronic devices just before bedtime. These devices interfere with the quality of sleep by causing brain overstimulation. Additionally, similar advice has been given about caffeine as well. There are many countries such as the United States where drinking coffee is a part of social culture. Many people do not realize the effects coffee has on the whole body functions including sleep. All these methods such as electronic and chemical detoxification are part of sleep hygiene, which helps in improving overall sleep quality.

To conclude, people who experience insomnia can suffer from alteration in daily activities including poor work performance and falling grades in studies. Limiting the use of electronics and coffee just before bedtime can help in maintaining proper sleep.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission twinkle!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
Sleep deprivation is one of the MOST common problems THAT people are experiencing these days, AND IN FACT many people complain that because of IRREGULAR sleep PATTERNS/HABITS they are unable to concentrate and feel groggy during the day / IN THE DAY time. The solution involves different techniques which may include maintaining sleep hygiene (cannot understand 'sleep hygiene. This is not a collocation in English).

B1:
To begin with, work performance and studies CAN BE ADVERSELY affected if people are not able to take proper sleep. Many people who experience sleep problems cite that their daily activities are disturbed because of it .. IMPROPER SLEEP AS THE MAIN DISTURBANCE IN THEIR DAILY ACTIVITIES; (use semi-colon here) they are not able to concentrate on the given taskS and their work gets affected FOR THE WORSE by this. Similarly, those students who stay awake till late AT night are not able to pay attention during lectures. As a consequence, their precious time is wasted, and this can have an impact on their grades.

B2:
Moving on NOW TO the solutions, WE CAN LOOK AT SOME POSSIBILITIES which HAVE proved to have HIGH success rateS in most cases if applied correctly. FIRSTLY, THERE ARE many studies THAT HAVE have established a link between insomnia and the use of electronic devices just before bedtime. These devices interfere with the quality of sleep by causing brain overstimulation .. OVERSTIMULATING THE BRAIN (more academic). Additionally , similar advice has ALSO been given about caffeine (delete 'as well'). There are many countries such as the United States where drinking coffee is a part of THE (specific to the US) social culture. Many people do not realize the effects coffee has on the WAY THE whole body functions, (add comma here) including sleep. All these methods, (add comma) such as electronic and chemical detoxification, (add comma) are part of sleep hygiene, which helps in improving overall sleep quality.

CONC:
To conclude, people who experience insomnia can suffer from alterationS in THEIR daily activities, (COMMA) including poor work performance and falling grades (delete 'in studies'). Limiting the use of electronics and coffee just before bedtime can help in maintaining proper sleep.

Advice:
1. Try not to reduce relative clauses (delete 'that') as in your first sentence.
2. Always use full SVO sentences. The first sentence in B2 was simply a linking phrase + 'which' relative clause. I had to add the S (we) and V (can look). Be very careful about this one!!
3. Don't overlook the importance of commas in English academic writing.

Good essay. Please follow the tips!
Band-score:
TA: 7.0
G: 6.5-7.0 (try connecting sentences together more)
V: 8.0
CC: 6.5 (B1 better than B2 for CC)

[Twinkle]

Thanks a lot for the corrections. Sleep hygiene is a medical term and i have seen it in some articles as well.

[goldcoastielts]

OH I see.
Thanks!