Writing task 2 response. Kindly evaluate

[dinosaur2007]

Some people say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Other people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it.
Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Answer

Humans are consumers by nature, and they need to buy food, drinks and other things that they might need. Some people believe that advertising plays a vital role in convincing customers to buy certain products, whereas others claim that it is no longer of benefit. What is the truth about advertising?

On the one hand, some people opine that advertisements have become so pervasive, to the point that they can even be seen sometimes on vehicles promoting a certain product. They, falsely, think that this has become a daily routine, and we are no longer affected by it. Consequently, they tend to just ignore these advertisements since, in their opinion, they have become boring. However, I do not agree with their reasoning, because simply, marketing tends to manipulate us somehow without even feeling it. Following this, we might be finding ourselves going to stores to buy these products to give them a try. This can happen even without the external influence children could have on parents. Thus, even though advertisements seem to be clichéd to a certain extent, they still work and achieve profits.

On the other hand, others, myself included, strongly believe in the power of marketing. If we can look back to our past, we can find that lots of the products and gadgets, that we currently use, were not there. What caused this change? This is definitely brought about by advertisements. If they had been useless, they would not have managed to change people’s minds about buying and making use of them. They, typically, tout that their products are indispensable and that without them, life is going to be more difficult, considering that they would have to do things the harder way. This is usually their strategy for promoting their sales. Another point to prove the effect of advertising on us is the items that we often see on the shelves and do not know what they are for or how they are used. This is also where marketing comes into play. These are just a few instances in which advertising proved to be more influential than we think it is.

In conclusion, advertisements have become an inseparable part of our lives, and although they are sometimes repetitive, businesses are thriving and able to sell their products, and that is why I strongly believe that advertising is very effective at persuading customers to buy many products.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission dinosaur2007!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
BASICALLY, humans are consumers by nature, and they need to buy food, drinks and other things that they might need. Some people believe that advertising plays a vital role in convincing customers to buy certain products, whereas others claim that it HAS NOT EFFECT WHATSOEVER. THIS ESSAY WILL DISCUSS BOTH SIDES OF THIS MATTER.

B1:
On the one hand, some people ARE OF THE OPINION that advertisements have become so pervasive, (delete 'to the point') that they can SOMETIMES even be seen on vehicles promoting (delete ''a') certain productS. They falsely (delete commas) think that this has become SOMETHING THAT WE SEE AS PART OF OUR DAILY ROUTINE, and THAT we are no longer affected by. Consequently, they tend to just ignore these advertisements since IT IS SUCH A REGULAR OCCURRENCE THAT IT HAS BECOME BORING FOR THEM. However, I do not agree with their reasoning because, PUT simply, marketing tends to manipulate PEOPLE (delete 'somehow') without THEM even feeling it. CONSEQUENTLY, we might be finding ourselves going to stores to buy these products to give try THEM OUT. This can happen even without the external influence THAT children CAN EXERT ON THEIR on parents. Thus, even though advertisements seem to be clichéd to a certain extent, they DO (for emphasis) still work and achieve profits.

B2:
On the other hand, others, myself included, strongly believe in the power of marketing. If we can look back to our past, we can find that A lot of the products and gadgets (DELETE COMMA) that we currently use (DELETE COMMA) were not there IN THE PAST. What caused this change? This CHANGE HAS definitely BEEN brought about by advertisements. If they had been useless, they would not have managed to change people’s minds about buying and making use of them. COMPANIES typically tout (delete 'that') their products AS BEING indispensable and that without them, life is going to be more difficult; considering that they would have to do things the harder way ... THEY MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE LIFE WILL BE EASIER IF THEY USE THESE PRODUCTS. This is usually their strategy for promoting their sales. Another point THAT proveS the effectIVENESS of advertising on us is THAT THERE ARE OFTEN items that we often see on the shelves and do not know what they are for or how they are used. This is also where marketing comes into play. These are just a few instances in which advertising HAS PROVEN to be more influential than we GIVE IT CREDIT FOR.

CONC:
In conclusion, advertisements have become an inseparable part of our lives, and although they are sometimes repetitive, businesses are thriving and able to sell their products, and that is why I strongly believe that advertising is very effective at persuading customers to buy A WIDE RANGE OF PRODUCTS.


A very good essay. Congratulations.
Advice:
1. Start your intro with some linking language like "basically" or "recently".
2. Study the correct positioning of adverbs such as 'sometimes'.
3. Use the perfect tense when appropriate.
4. Shorten your sentences just a little bit. There are some places where you used very long sentences and some grammatical errors slipped in.

Band-score:
TA: 8.0
G: 7.5
V: 8.0
CC: 7.5

[dinosaur2007]

Thank you so much for your evaluation.
Those are really helpful comments and they are greatly appreciated.

[goldcoastielts]

Awesome! Glad I could help you my friend. Good luck with the test...