writing task 2 please evaluate

[leo7.5]

Some people think that job satisfaction is more important than job security, while some people think that they cannot always expect job satisfaction, a permanent job is more important. Discuss both views and give your own opinion


In the past people were grateful for work. However, nowadays job satisfaction plays a key role in the professional world. There is constant change in the dynamics of the workers. While it is true that people are not settling for less, there is still a vast majority of people who would opt for a job which is not preferably to their liking but provides them with a stable income. In this essay I will highlight some of the reasons behind this trend.

With the advancement of technology, A good amount of labor and skilled workers have been replaced by robotics. This automation has led to an increase in the rate of unemployment. Subsequently, people with a lower set of skills are less critical of their jobs and are pleased at the prospect of having an income.
Moreover, with the increasing economic disparity, the idea of having a sound income takes precedence over everything else. In many developing countries the concept of social welfare does not exist and an individual is left to fend for himself entirely. In those set of circumstances most people do not complain about the nature of their jobs and are happy with the daily wages that is enough to keep them afloat.

However, this is not the case everywhere. Graduates with degrees of higher education and/or specialized skills are less likely to settle for a job with lower satisfaction. They are very aware of their self worth and prefer not to settle for less. Moreover new research suggests that happier, more satisfied employees are more productive. Companies and corporations have been increasingly recognizing this phenomenon and have started to actively work for a more satisfactory employment.

In my opinion, with the changing tide, people should look for job benefits because they are putting their time which is a finite source into it. Even though job prospects might be low, a person should work on increasing their skill level and settle for a job which provides security and has additional perks to it as well.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission leo7.5!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
In the past people were USUALLY grateful TO BE workING. However, nowadays job satisfaction plays MORE OF a key role in the professional world and the dynamics of the workPLACE ARE CONSTANTLY CHANGING. While it is true that people are not settling for less, there is still a vast majority of people who would opt for a job which is not preferably to their liking but WHICH provides them with a stable income. In this essay I will highlight some of the reasons behind this trend.

B1:
With the advancement of technology, a SUBSTANTIAL amount of labor and LARGE NUMBER OF skilled workers have been replaced by robotics. This automation has led to an increase in the rate of unemployment. Subsequently, people with a lower set of skills are less critical of their jobs and are THANKFUL TO SIMPLY havE an income.
Moreover, with (delete 'the') increasing economic disparity, the idea of having a sound income takes precedence over everything else. In many developing countries the concept of social welfare does not exist and MANY individualS ARE left to fend for THEMSELVES entirely. In SUCH A set of circumstances, most people do not complain about the nature of their jobs and are happy with the daily wages that ARE enough to keep them afloat.

B2:
However, this is not the case everywhere. Graduates with degrees of higher education and/or specialized skills are less likely to settle for a job THAT DOES NOT SATISFY THEM. ONE REASON FOR THIS IS THAT they are very aware of their self worth and prefer not to settle for less. Moreover, new research suggests that happier, more satisfied employees are more productive AND AS A RESULT OF THIS, MANY companies and corporations have been increasingly recognizing this phenomenon and have started to actively work for a more satisfactory employment SYSTEM.

CONC:
In my opinion, AS THE WORLD CHANGES, people should look for job THAY HAVE FINANCIAL benefits because they are SACRIFICING their time which is a finite REsource. Even though job prospects might be low, a person should work on increasing their skill level and settle for a job which provides security and has additional perks to it as well.


Good essay!
Advice:
1. A lot of your sentences are quite short and choppy in this essay. Especially in the introduction. Try to write longer sentences or join them together with conjunctions (and, but, or...).
2. When you have one count and one non-count noun as a subject, you must use separate quantifiers (AMOUNT of labor and LARGE NUMBER OF skilled workers).
3. Try not to repeat information too much (B1)

TA: 6.5 (too much repetition)
G: 6.5-7.0
V: 7.5
CC: 7.0