Food, water and shelter are the three basic necessities for the survival of a human being. Although mankind is evolving and advancing in technology, there are people all over the globe that are striving to just have a roof over their heads. Many people think such unprivileged sections of society should be provided with free housing by the government. I agree with this statement, for in my opinion there is no point to all this development if some of us do not even have a house to live in.
Firstly, in certain developing countries in Asia and Africa, there are children born into poor families whose parents may have been affected by diseases like tuberculosis. Such situations force them to use their hard earned money on food and medicine, saving none for accommodation. Furthermore, these diseases could prevent them from working their jobs and earning more money. Hence it would only be fair to provide them with free housing
Secondly, when people are dependent on temporary shelters that are not strong enough to withstand wind, rain and other phenomena of nature, they are in turn exposed to extremities of temperature and polluted water, adding to the existing infections.
Although some argue that people would misuse this privilege and demand free housing even if they are affordable, I think a thorough background can resolve this issue. Before selecting a family, there should be guidelines to ensure that their financial status is in fact low.
To conclude, for the welfare of humanity and to reduce the disease burden, morbidity and mortality in the world, I think it is essential to offer free housing to those who cannot afford it.
Writing task 2: please evaluate
-
goldcoastielts
- Posts: 206
- Joined: Mon Aug 03, 2020 1:34 am
- Location: Gold Coast, Australia
- Contact:
Re: Writing task 2: please evaluate
IELTS 2.0+ course : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/course
IELTS essay check : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/essays
Online IELTS lessons : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/lessons
IELTS Freebies!! : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/freebies
YouTube - "TASK 2 3-SENTENCE CONCLUSION" : https://youtu.be/sJUv_jUk0WA
Thanks for your submission mohamedhasim!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
WITHOUT DOUBT, food, water and shelter are the three basic necessities THAT ARE NEEDED for the survival of a human being. Although mankind is evolving and advancing in technology, there are people all over the globe that are striving just TO (change position of preposition 'to') have a roof over their heads. Many people think such unDERprivileged sections of society should be provided with free housing by the government. I agree with this statement, BECAUSE (little more natural) in my opinion there is no point to all this development if some of us CANnot even AFFORD a house to live in.
B1:
ONE THING THAT SUPPORTS MY VIEWPOINT IS THAT, in certain developing countries in Asia and Africa, there are children born into poor families whose parents may have been affected by diseases like tuberculosis. Such situations force them to use their hard earned money on food and medicine, RATHER THAN ON NECESSITIES LIKE accommodation. Furthermore, FALLING VICTIM TO these diseases MEANS THEY MAY BE preventED from working (DELETE 'their jobs') and earning more money. FOR THIS REASON it would only be fair to provide them with free housing.
B2:
ANOTHER REASON WHY PEOPLE SHOULD BE PROVIDED WITH FREE OR SUBSIDISED HOUSING IS THAT when THE POOR are dependent on temporary shelters that are not strong enough to stand UP TO THE ELEMENTS and other phenomena of nature, they are in turn exposed to extremities of temperature and polluted water, WHICH CAN add to the existing RATES OF infection. Although some argue that people would ABUSE this privilege and demand free housing even if they CAN AFFORD IT, I think this issue COULD BE RESOLVED WITH THOROUGH BACKGROUND CHECKS. IN OTHER WORDS, before a family IS SELECTED, there should be SYSTEMS IN PLACE to ensure that their financial status is in fact low.
CONC:
To conclude, for the welfare of humanity and to reduce the disease burden, morbidity and mortality in the world, I think it is essential to offer free housing to those who cannot afford it.
Advice:
1. Add a linking word or linking phrase at the beginning of your first sentence, like "without doubt..."
2. Don't use 'firstly' or 'secondly' for the first sentence of the B1 and B2. Use these to begin the 2nd and 4th sentences of the bodies.
3. Use multi-word linkers where possible : 'for this reason' not 'hence'
4. Use the passive voice when appropriate i.e. 'be prevented' and 'is selected'
Good essay Mohammedhasim!!
TA: 7.0 (nice and clear ideas)
G: 6.5 (misused verb tenses and other small mistakes)
V: 7.0 (very nice)
CC: 6.0 (quite simple, mostly single word connectors)
IELTS essay check : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/essays
Online IELTS lessons : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/lessons
IELTS Freebies!! : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/freebies
YouTube - "TASK 2 3-SENTENCE CONCLUSION" : https://youtu.be/sJUv_jUk0WA
Thanks for your submission mohamedhasim!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
WITHOUT DOUBT, food, water and shelter are the three basic necessities THAT ARE NEEDED for the survival of a human being. Although mankind is evolving and advancing in technology, there are people all over the globe that are striving just TO (change position of preposition 'to') have a roof over their heads. Many people think such unDERprivileged sections of society should be provided with free housing by the government. I agree with this statement, BECAUSE (little more natural) in my opinion there is no point to all this development if some of us CANnot even AFFORD a house to live in.
B1:
ONE THING THAT SUPPORTS MY VIEWPOINT IS THAT, in certain developing countries in Asia and Africa, there are children born into poor families whose parents may have been affected by diseases like tuberculosis. Such situations force them to use their hard earned money on food and medicine, RATHER THAN ON NECESSITIES LIKE accommodation. Furthermore, FALLING VICTIM TO these diseases MEANS THEY MAY BE preventED from working (DELETE 'their jobs') and earning more money. FOR THIS REASON it would only be fair to provide them with free housing.
B2:
ANOTHER REASON WHY PEOPLE SHOULD BE PROVIDED WITH FREE OR SUBSIDISED HOUSING IS THAT when THE POOR are dependent on temporary shelters that are not strong enough to stand UP TO THE ELEMENTS and other phenomena of nature, they are in turn exposed to extremities of temperature and polluted water, WHICH CAN add to the existing RATES OF infection. Although some argue that people would ABUSE this privilege and demand free housing even if they CAN AFFORD IT, I think this issue COULD BE RESOLVED WITH THOROUGH BACKGROUND CHECKS. IN OTHER WORDS, before a family IS SELECTED, there should be SYSTEMS IN PLACE to ensure that their financial status is in fact low.
CONC:
To conclude, for the welfare of humanity and to reduce the disease burden, morbidity and mortality in the world, I think it is essential to offer free housing to those who cannot afford it.
Advice:
1. Add a linking word or linking phrase at the beginning of your first sentence, like "without doubt..."
2. Don't use 'firstly' or 'secondly' for the first sentence of the B1 and B2. Use these to begin the 2nd and 4th sentences of the bodies.
3. Use multi-word linkers where possible : 'for this reason' not 'hence'
4. Use the passive voice when appropriate i.e. 'be prevented' and 'is selected'
Good essay Mohammedhasim!!
TA: 7.0 (nice and clear ideas)
G: 6.5 (misused verb tenses and other small mistakes)
V: 7.0 (very nice)
CC: 6.0 (quite simple, mostly single word connectors)
