Dear Friends,
Could you evaluate my task 1 practice test please?
The chart is attached.
Thanks so much in advance.
The bar chart illustrates the quantity of men and women from 15 to 75+ years old, who were working during 2013 in a nation from Europe. Overall, it can be seen that almost in every age the quantity of men employed was higher than women.
First of all, the highest quantity of males and females employed were aged 40-44, reaching almost six hundred thousand, whereas the lowest were over 75 years old, at less than 10 thousand. It can be seen that as the age goes up, the amount of employed people rose.
On the other hand, after 44 years old, the number of people of both sex began to decrease. After 15 years from the highest level, only about half of the citizens were still employed, at 300 and 200 thousand for men and women respectively.
To sum up, regardless of the gender, number of workers went up until 40-44 years old, then started to go down until over 75 years old.
Writing Task 1 - Evaluation needed
Writing Task 1 - Evaluation needed
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goldcoastielts
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Re: Writing Task 1 - Evaluation needed
IELTS 2.0+ course : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/course
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YouTube - "TASK 1 COMPARISONS 7 STRUCTURES" : https://youtu.be/hIuNi8uSNm0
Thanks for your submission Thi_IELTS!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
The bar chart illustrates HOW MANY MEN AND WOMEN, AGED 15 TO OVER 75, WERE FULLY EMPLOYED IN ONE SPECIFIC EUROPEAN NATION. Overall, it can be seen that FOR almost (delete 'in') every age, EMPLOYED MEN FAR OUTNUMBERED EMPLOYED WOMEN.
DETAILS + COMPARISON
First of all, males and females aged 40-44 ACCOUNTED FOR THE HIGHEST NUMBER OF EMPLOYED PERSONS IN ANY AGE GROUP, reaching almost six hundred thousand ('600,000'??), whereas the lowest WAS THE over 75 year old GROUP, at less than 10 thousand (maybe '10,000' is more natural here??). It can GENERALLY be seen that as the age goes up, the amount of people EMPLOYED ALSO rose. CONVERSELY, after 44 years OF AGE, the number of people EMPLOYED of both sexES began to decrease. 15 years AFTER REACHING THIS highest level, only about half of the citizens were still employed, (300,000 and 200,000 for men and women respectively).
SUMMARY:
To sum up, regardless of the gender, THE number of workers went up until 40-44 years old, AND then started to STEADILY go down until over 75 years old.
Advice:
1. Don't use 'quantity' to talk about 'number'. This is a very common mistake.
2. Your middle section is more like a task 2 than a task 1. Instead of 2 body paragraphs, write 1 'details and comparison' paragraph.
3. Instead of "First of all", use "Looking in more detail at the chart, it can first be seen that.." + "In comparison..."
4. Make use of adverbs - 'STEADILY go down'.
TA: 5.5-6.0
G: 5.5 (quantity/number)
V: 5.5
CC: 5.5
IELTS essay check : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/essays
Online IELTS lessons : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/lessons
IELTS Freebies!! : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/freebies
YouTube - "TASK 1 COMPARISONS 7 STRUCTURES" : https://youtu.be/hIuNi8uSNm0
Thanks for your submission Thi_IELTS!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
The bar chart illustrates HOW MANY MEN AND WOMEN, AGED 15 TO OVER 75, WERE FULLY EMPLOYED IN ONE SPECIFIC EUROPEAN NATION. Overall, it can be seen that FOR almost (delete 'in') every age, EMPLOYED MEN FAR OUTNUMBERED EMPLOYED WOMEN.
DETAILS + COMPARISON
First of all, males and females aged 40-44 ACCOUNTED FOR THE HIGHEST NUMBER OF EMPLOYED PERSONS IN ANY AGE GROUP, reaching almost six hundred thousand ('600,000'??), whereas the lowest WAS THE over 75 year old GROUP, at less than 10 thousand (maybe '10,000' is more natural here??). It can GENERALLY be seen that as the age goes up, the amount of people EMPLOYED ALSO rose. CONVERSELY, after 44 years OF AGE, the number of people EMPLOYED of both sexES began to decrease. 15 years AFTER REACHING THIS highest level, only about half of the citizens were still employed, (300,000 and 200,000 for men and women respectively).
SUMMARY:
To sum up, regardless of the gender, THE number of workers went up until 40-44 years old, AND then started to STEADILY go down until over 75 years old.
Advice:
1. Don't use 'quantity' to talk about 'number'. This is a very common mistake.
2. Your middle section is more like a task 2 than a task 1. Instead of 2 body paragraphs, write 1 'details and comparison' paragraph.
3. Instead of "First of all", use "Looking in more detail at the chart, it can first be seen that.." + "In comparison..."
4. Make use of adverbs - 'STEADILY go down'.
TA: 5.5-6.0
G: 5.5 (quantity/number)
V: 5.5
CC: 5.5
