Nowadays young people are used to play brutal games, also on the internet or on television and it is thought by many that this is the reason why crime rate has increased in the last few years.
In my view, these is actually true to an extent but there are lots of other factors that influenced violence and criminality.
Let us now concentrate on videogames; throughout the last decade due to an improvement in technology, games are more realistic than in the past and I think this lead children to consider virtual reality and real life so close.
As a result the more violent are games the more children tend to act violently.
This is to say that, because of the vicinity between the two world (virtual/real), people are significantly influenced by what they see and of course especially during childhood.
Consequently, when they grow up and still play the same game, it will be probable for them to have an aggressive behaviour, therefore to increase violence and crime in some major cities.
Nonetheless, it has to be considered that parents also can affect strongly their children's attitude so it is important to set rules in order to shape their character and discouraged them from being aggressive.
I personally do not think that violent games lead surely to a criminal society because our attitude is influenced not only by what game we play but also by what kind of people we relate with or our education.
What's more is that lots depend even on what kind of society we are living in.
For instance, in some state it is easily for almost everyone to have arms, such as guns, which is, in my opinion, far more dangerous for the society than playing violent games.
To conclude, games represent a tiny part of children life and so they can't be considered the only and main reason for the increase of criminality.
Please evaluate my writing task 2!!
-
goldcoastielts
- Posts: 206
- Joined: Mon Aug 03, 2020 1:34 am
- Location: Gold Coast, Australia
- Contact:
Re: Please evaluate my writing task 2!!
IELTS 2.0+ course : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/course
IELTS essay check : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/essays
Online IELTS lessons : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/lessons
IELTS Freebies!! : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/freebies
YouTube - "COUNT- VS. NON-COUNT NOUNS" : https://youtu.be/3qQW0xBFOK0
Thanks for your submission SylviaIELTS!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
Nowadays young people are used to playING brutal games, AND on the internet or on television and it is ALSO thought by many that this is the reason why THE crime rate has increased in the last few years.
In my view, THIS is actually true to A CERTAIN extent but there are A LOT of other factors that INFLUENCE violence and criminality.
B1:
Let us now concentrate on videogames. (PERIOD IS BETTER THAN SEMI-COLON HERE) Throughout the last decade, due to improvementS in technology, games HAVE BECOME more realistic than in the past and I think this LEADS TO CHILDREN BELIEVING THAT virtual reality and real life ARE VERY close.
As a result, the more violent THE GAME are, the more children tend to act violently.
This is to say that, because of the vicinity between the two worldS (virtual/real), people are significantly influenced by what they see DURING CHILDHOOD.
Consequently, when they grow up and ARE still playING the same KINDS OF gameS, it will BE HIGHLY LIKELY THAT THEY WILL have aggressive behaviour, WHICH WILL therefore LEAD to AN increase IN violence and crime in some major cities.
Nonetheless, it has to be considered that parents CAN ALSO HAVE A STRONG AFFECT ON their children's attitudeS, so it is important to set rules in order to shape their character and discourage them from being aggressive.
B2:
I personally do not think that violent games lead surely to a criminal society because our attitude is influenced not only by what game we play but also by what kind of people we relate TO BECAUSE OF our education.
What's more is that A GREAT DEAL dependS on what kind of society we are living in.
For instance, in some stateS it is easY for almost everyone to have arms, such as guns, which is, in my opinion, far more dangerous for society than playing violent games.
CONC:
To conclude, games represent a tiny part of A child'S life and so they CANNOT be considered the only and main reason for the increase IN criminality.
Advice:
1.Try not to use contractions. For example in the conclusion I changed 'can't' to 'cannot'.
2. B1 has really great Task Achievement, but B2 follows a completely difference structure. It would be good to keep bot body paragraphs similar (length, structure, linking language) for BALANCE. Because you made B2 completely different in form from B1, the essay seems to have no balance.
3. Sometimes nouns are much stronger than verbs. For example, in B1, 'affect' noun is much stronger than 'affect' verb.
TA: 5.0 (B1 and B2 don't match, and short conclusion)
G: 6.5
V: 6.5
CC: 6.5+
IELTS essay check : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/essays
Online IELTS lessons : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/lessons
IELTS Freebies!! : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/freebies
YouTube - "COUNT- VS. NON-COUNT NOUNS" : https://youtu.be/3qQW0xBFOK0
Thanks for your submission SylviaIELTS!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
Nowadays young people are used to playING brutal games, AND on the internet or on television and it is ALSO thought by many that this is the reason why THE crime rate has increased in the last few years.
In my view, THIS is actually true to A CERTAIN extent but there are A LOT of other factors that INFLUENCE violence and criminality.
B1:
Let us now concentrate on videogames. (PERIOD IS BETTER THAN SEMI-COLON HERE) Throughout the last decade, due to improvementS in technology, games HAVE BECOME more realistic than in the past and I think this LEADS TO CHILDREN BELIEVING THAT virtual reality and real life ARE VERY close.
As a result, the more violent THE GAME are, the more children tend to act violently.
This is to say that, because of the vicinity between the two worldS (virtual/real), people are significantly influenced by what they see DURING CHILDHOOD.
Consequently, when they grow up and ARE still playING the same KINDS OF gameS, it will BE HIGHLY LIKELY THAT THEY WILL have aggressive behaviour, WHICH WILL therefore LEAD to AN increase IN violence and crime in some major cities.
Nonetheless, it has to be considered that parents CAN ALSO HAVE A STRONG AFFECT ON their children's attitudeS, so it is important to set rules in order to shape their character and discourage them from being aggressive.
B2:
I personally do not think that violent games lead surely to a criminal society because our attitude is influenced not only by what game we play but also by what kind of people we relate TO BECAUSE OF our education.
What's more is that A GREAT DEAL dependS on what kind of society we are living in.
For instance, in some stateS it is easY for almost everyone to have arms, such as guns, which is, in my opinion, far more dangerous for society than playing violent games.
CONC:
To conclude, games represent a tiny part of A child'S life and so they CANNOT be considered the only and main reason for the increase IN criminality.
Advice:
1.Try not to use contractions. For example in the conclusion I changed 'can't' to 'cannot'.
2. B1 has really great Task Achievement, but B2 follows a completely difference structure. It would be good to keep bot body paragraphs similar (length, structure, linking language) for BALANCE. Because you made B2 completely different in form from B1, the essay seems to have no balance.
3. Sometimes nouns are much stronger than verbs. For example, in B1, 'affect' noun is much stronger than 'affect' verb.
TA: 5.0 (B1 and B2 don't match, and short conclusion)
G: 6.5
V: 6.5
CC: 6.5+
