IELTS ESSAY TASK 2. FEEDBACK NEEDED!

[thanhthuy03]

Some people believe the primary purpose of museums is to entertain people, while others believe their purpose is to educate. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
It is common knowledge that museums constitute a reservoir of understanding about past life. The establishment of museums thus simultaneously serves as a capsule of time providing folks with historical apprehension and catering to the needs of meaningful place of interests. Therefore, the argument regarding whether entertaining or educating is the main aim of museums remains questionable. This essay will analyze this argument before establishing a position.
It goes without saying that museums are optimal choices for any research related to history. That museums provide visitors with dedicated and knowledgeable guide accompanied with specific relics explicitly appears as ideal history classroom concepts because studying in such environment like this infuses motivation and livelihood into the lessons. This proves true to offering a much more effective approach to the studying of history than tedious lectures at schools. However, whether this purpose stands head and shoulders above another remains doubtful regarding the availability of museums compared to the amount of classes.
A school of thought, on the other hand, holds that museums are built to mainly cater to the need of recreation of citizens. For example, visiting art museums are always on top of the bucket list for those who are aficionados of temporary art because they are acclaimed as professional and qualified galleries. Thus, this is clear that museums have been receiving public concern and appreciation in terms of enriching and cultivating mental life. Nevertheless, it would be overarching to declare that the main purpose of museums is to entertain people since the influx of visitors and the popularity of museums seemingly trail by those figures of parks, cinemas or theme parks.
As the above makes clear, the prominent purpose of museums is a subject that is arousing controversy. However, as aforementioned, museums serve as time capsules that store materialistic and spiritual values of different historical periods, it is convincing that museums should exert their impacts on education, especially on the studying of History. I thus feel the scenario of uninspiring lessons at schools will no longer materialize into the foreseeable time.

[goldcoastielts]

IELTS 2.0+ course : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/course
IELTS essay check : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/essays
Online IELTS lessons : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/lessons
IELTS Freebies!! : https://www.goldcoastielts.com/freebies

YouTube - "COMPARING THINGS" : https://youtu.be/hIuNi8uSNm0



Thanks for your submission thanhthuy03!! Please see my rewrite below ...

Intro:
It is common knowledge that museums constitute (PROVIDE US WITH) a reservoir of understanding about past life.

The establishment of museums thus simultaneously serves as a capsule of time providing folks with historical apprehension and catering to the needs of meaningful place of interests.
The establishment of museums thus serves simultaneously as a TIME CAPSULE providing people with a view into history, and exhibits that cater to the needs of all people.

Therefore, the argument regarding whether entertaining or educating is the main aim of museums remains questionable.
Therefore, the argument that the main aim of museums is to entertain or educate remains questionable.

This essay will analyze this argument before establishing a position. (GREAT!)

B1:
It goes without saying that museums are optimal choices for any research related to history. (Good)

That museums provide visitors with dedicated and knowledgeable guide accompanied with specific relics explicitly appears as ideal history classroom concepts because studying in such environment like this infuses motivation and livelihood into the lessons. (too long and complicated) rewrite...
The fact that museums provide visitors with dedicated and knowledgable guides who can explain historical relics in detail will infuse motivation and excitement into excursions.

This proves true to offering a much more effective approach to the studying of history than tedious lectures at schools.
This is especially true for children, whose imaginations are stimulated far more at museums than by simply studying history at school.

However, whether this purpose stands head and shoulders above another remains doubtful regarding the availability of museums compared to the amount of classes. (little hard to understand)
However, it is doubtful whether museums are really that much better than classes, especially when we take into account the effect of a really good teacher.


Sorry I cannot finish the whole essay.

Advice:
1. Make the language simpler
2. Avoid strange idioms such as 'head and shoulders' and 'top of the bucket'
3. use words in the right way: 'it would be overarching' - NO ' the overarching reason why...' - YES
'the prominent purpose' - NO 'the main purpose' - YES
4. make sure we can understand the sentence: 'I thus feel the scenario of uninspiring lessons at schools will no longer materialize into the foreseeable time.' - NO

Rough score:
V: 7.0
G: 6.0
TA: 6.5
CC: 6.5 (good, but sometimes misused)