Watching tv too much has a negative effect on personality development among young people. Do you agree or disagree.

[mahins]

In many parts of the world, television often influences young generation to spend a significant amount of time in front of a screen. Children are becoming increasingly attracted to television programs like high definition animation and cartoon series, to name a few. It is agreed that frequent watching of television poses a threat to the developing minds of the youngsters. This will be proven by analyzing how too much television time can affect the attention span and the ability of young people to communicate with others.

Firstly, children who watch television for a longer period of time tend to have a shorter attention span. For example, an avid watcher of television cartoon generally craves for that particular show, and becomes too impatient to concentrate on studies or other activities. Accordingly, their ability to focus compared to more active children decreases. It this thus apparent that increased television consumption among young people is an extremely negative phenomenon occurring the world over.

Additionally, buildup of social skills are sluggish in case of a children who is passionate about viewing television. For instance, spending time with family or friends sacrificing television time is not something to be excited about for this group. Consequently, their communication ability is not on par with children who are socially interactive. Thus it is clear that television has an adverse effect on personality buildup among young people.

After analyzing the impact television has on both attention span and communication skill, it is felt that the negative repercussions of television on the progress of young mind has been proven. It is hoped that the global family makes effort to reduce the tendency of future generation to occupy themselves in front of a television.

[Mark IELTS]

Hello!

The introduction is longer than the main paragraphs. This is a clear indication of a weak essay.

Neither of the main points is clear. I can understand the impatience, but the suggestion that a child will not be able to concentrate for a whole week while waiting for the next episode seems very extreme. The idea that TV makes kids less sociable ignores the fact that most kids discuss TV programmes with their friends.

Even without these weaknesses, the main paragraphs do not really examine the points. Detailed reasoning is lacking.

In the conclusion, you fail to say why or how you have reached this opinion.

All the best,
Mark

[mahins]

Dear Mark
Thanks a ton for your kind and valuable reply. Unfortunately I followed Ryan's writing method in this essay. How do you think this could be made better?