I did the task 1 Pls check my essay and leave a comment

[uka92]

Question: Computers and modems have make id possible for office workers to do much of their work from home instead of working in offices every day . Working from home should be encouraged as it is good for workers and employees.
Essay: In modern time, almost everything become more easier for people by using computer and internet. Therefore, office workers lives changed due to, employees able to work in their home. This change is good, for comfortable, spend less money, and get more free time.
People imagine the office workers as if come to the company on time in the earlier morning, wear the tight black suits with a tie, and spend all day in the office. However, capable of doing the work in the home changed these situations. It is comfortable for them because workers do not have to wake up early to go to office and can wear comfortable clothes. Also, they do not feel any pressure on them as had in the office before.
Also, employees had to take a bus or ride a car to get the office so to this action people have to spend money for that. Thus, if people able to work in the home then they can earn much money than before.
Moreover, employees had to stay whole day in the office to finish their work so they did not have time for them or families. In contrast, working in the home makes chance to spend quality time with families and themselves.
In conclusion, nowadays, technology developing so fast and it makes people's life more uncomplicated especially, workers. The reason that, employees able to have fun with their families, feel released from stress, and can earn lot of money.

[Ryan]

Hi uka92,

Thank you for the submission. What were the instruction words in the essay question? Were you asked to agree/disagree?

Please go back and watch my videos on structure. The manner in which your sentence connect isn't entirely clear. Although much of the confusion in the essay is due to poor grammar, illogical structure also plays a major part. You have several paragraphs that are only two sentences long. Although the do suggest points in support of the essay topic, the manner in which they link to each other and the essay question is difficult to see. If you were to develop these ideas into coherent paragraphs that linked logically to the other areas of the essay, I think this piece as a whole would be much stronger.

Please watch this video on argument essay structure (click the video in the link for the other parts):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpZa7bah4_c