Writing Task 2. Kindly review :)

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paperheart
Posts: 47
Joined: Mon Mar 17, 2014 1:02 pm

Writing Task 2. Kindly review :)

Post by paperheart »

P/S : my first attempt on writing task 2, appreciate if you could provide feedback and comments to learn from my mistakes. Thank you very much! :)



Some say it is important for parents to teach their children about the importance of money. Why and how should they do it? Include examples from your own experience.


In today's world, children are often pampered with luxurious gifts like iPhones, iPads, branded bags and etc. It is no doubt that children somehow lost the ability to understand the importance of money. Hence, parents play a crucial role to educate them on this.

It is important for parents to teach children about money because it involves heavily in our daily activities. For instance, money is used when you want to purchase an item or render a service. In this case, children need to be educated on their financial management, so that they can avoid unnecessary spending. Apart from this, they should also be made aware of the difficulty of earning money. By doing this, they would eventually understand that things do not just come easily for them.

There are several ways to educate children on financial management. For example, parents can attend seminars on wealth management program with their children in presence. With this, children could obtain basic knowledge on money management like budget versus actual spending. On the other hand, parents can also be the supporter and advisor for their children on choosing a relevant and legal part time job. By committing themselves in a job, they will soon find out that earning money could be uneasy too and thus be wiser when it comes to spending.

As a conclusion, I believe parents should take opportunity to educate their children on the importance of money. It does not just help them in managing it wisely but it also poses a sense of responsibility in them when they decide how they are going to spend it.
durai
Posts: 401
Joined: Fri Mar 14, 2014 6:35 pm

Re: Writing Task 2. Kindly review :)

Post by durai »

In today's world, children are often pampered with luxurious gifts like iPhones, iPads, brand new bags and etc. It is no doubt that children somehow lost the ability to understand the importance of money. Hence, parents play a crucial role to educate them on this.

It is important for parents to teach children about money because it involves heavily( waht do you mean by heavily ?) in our daily activities. For instance, money is necessary when anyone ( avoid pronoun) want to purchase an item or render a service. In such cases, children need to be educated on their financial management, so that they can avoid unnecessary spending. Besides, they should also be made aware of the difficulty of earning money. By doing this, they would eventually understand that things do not just come easily for them.

There are several ways to educate children on financial management. For example, parents can attend seminars on wealth management programmes with their children's presence. With this, children could obtain basic knowledge on money management like budget versus actual spending. Furthermore, parents can also be the supporter and advisor for their children on choosing a relevant ( part time is not necessary, then you need to say why only full time job. By committing themselves in a job, they would soon find out that earning money could be difficult, and thus be wiser when it comes to expenditure.

In conclusion, ( this question doesn't call for personal opinion, so dont give your view)It is believed that parents should take opportunity to educate their children about the importance of money. It does not just help them in managing it wisely but it ( remove 'it' also poses a sense of responsibility in them when they decide how they are going to spend it. fib=nal sentence is bit awkward, reword it

a few repeated words :
children 9 you can use, juveniles, adolescence, young people, teenagers, young individuals , childhood
money 7 use: financial dealings, earn salary, income, fund, payment, pay
parents 5 parenthood, father and mother,
management 4 administration, manage,

overall good essay, but some grammatical errors, task response is visible but you need to write short, clear, concise and succinct . Dont use complex sentences until you are confident.

the above essay could be around band 5.5 to 6. However, I am not an assessor.

Durai
JAN 2014 L 8.5 R 8 W 6.5 S 6.5
FEB 2014 L 8 R 8 W 7 S 6.5
APR 2014 L 8 R 9 W 6.5 S 7
JUN 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6
July 2014 L 8.5 R 7 W 6.5 S 6.5
OCT 2014 L 7.5 R 7 W 7 S 7
allen_zhang
Posts: 362
Joined: Tue Feb 25, 2014 2:41 am

Re: Writing Task 2. Kindly review :)

Post by allen_zhang »

branded bags
brand new bags is not what paperheart meant. should use "name brand bags" -- I googled.

" render a service" , I googled it and it seems not to be a good phrase.
#1 2013-09-07 L7.5; R8; S6; W6
#2 2014-03-08 L7.5; R7; S7; W5.5
#3 2014-05-10 L7.5; R8; S6.5; W6
#4 2014-06-21 L7.5; R6.5; S5.5; W7
#4 2014-06-21 L7.5; R6.5; S7; W5.5
paperheart
Posts: 47
Joined: Mon Mar 17, 2014 1:02 pm

Re: Writing Task 2. Kindly review :)

Post by paperheart »

Thanks Durai.
Shall keep practising :)
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