could you assess my writing, thanks for your help

[hendhindawy]

Topic: some people believe that unpaid community services should be a compulsory part of high school programs, for example, working for a charity, improving neighborhood or teaching sports to young children
To what extent do you agree or disagree

Community services, as a social volunteering work, are a matter of concern. People argue that high school curriculum should include a mandatory share in social services. I am supportive with the opinion that favors that notion. The essay will analyze that issue from multiple perspectives.
Social services, becoming more popular and needed these days, has a good influence on people behavior. Being cooperative work, governments should force youth to take a part in one of these unpaid utilities. For example, those charities taking care of orphans and elders. The participation of high school student in such activities reinforces their sense of loyalty and strengthens their ability to help others. Meanwhile sharing in social services sets a cooperative and united community. It is obvious those joining with charity activities help build up youngster’s personalities and adjust their behavior.
Governments, in spite of their effort in community services, people should share in these activities. By donation of money and time to support each other, society can shake off poverty and live better off. For instance, helping the neighborhoods in their problems and life events or encourage and help siblings to practice a new sport like basketball will be valuable. By providing the society with help needed, the community can live in peace and insurance. Not only by the emotional reaction but also by real participation and help society can achieve a better standard of living. Needless to say that joining community service increases society interconnections.
To conclude, it is obligatory for high school programs to include some mandatory social services to connect the graduate with the society needs and ensure their loyalty. I hope that government can guarantee the people share in the community services.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

My students will tell you that this is one of my favourite T2 questions ever! Let's see how you do!

Introduction and first main paragraph - good.

Second main paragraph - This doesn't refer to the question. You don't refer to high school students specifically.

Conclusion - "it is obligatory" - where? (I think you want to write that it should be obligatory. Beware of errors that change meaning!

I think you missed an opportunity with the second main paragraph. Overall, the essay is average - half good, half bad. There are quite a lot of grammatical errors and it seems to me that ideas are repeated rather than developed.

All the best,
David

[hendhindawy]

could you tell me more about the grammar mistakes found