please evaluate task 2

[jegankgm]

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years.
Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

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Over the last decade, obesity among children has increased one fifth in western countries. It is seriously threat, day by day governments are spending more tax-money on health care section because of growing diseases due to overweight. This essay will discuss what are the root-causes of the problem and examine the consequences of the issue.

First of all, increase in weight is because of the change in lifestyle. In the modern world, children are consuming high calorie food and beverages and doing less physical activities. For instance, in United States average children spend ten percent of the time in playing video games and taking unhealthy food like pizza and burger, result in overweight. Thus, it clear that high calories and low workout are the causes of overweight.

Adverse effect of overweight is obesity and other health problems. Due to increasing trend in negative lifestyle, amount of fat deposit getting high, results in risks such as weakening of the heart, breathing problems, digestion related issue and kidney. For one take, stout kids are less energetic and getting tried very often; they avoid sports and neglect physical work; that is a potential risk, decrease in future man-power for the country. Hence, this makes clear there are the serious issue with overweight.

To sum, it is very clear there are various causes for obesity among children because of modern lifestyle, and verity of negative effects of health. Society must ensure steps to be taken to overcome this degrading health system.

[chaiguy]

Over the last decade, obesity in children has increased one fifth (You should use '20%' here) in Western countries. Start a new paragraph here)

Day by day, governments are spending more and more tax money on health care due to the increase of various diseases and illnesses (List them - for example, diabetes) caused by the increase of overweight people. This essay discusses the root causes of the problem of obesity as well as examining its consequences.

First of all, the most common reason for gaining weight is due to a person's lifestyle. In the modern world, children are consuming too many high-calorie foods and beverages and are also not doing enough exercise. For instance, in the United States, it's common for children to spend 10% of their day/week (Please choose between day of week here) playing video games. This, with a diet of unhealthy foods such as pizza and burgers, combined with a lack of physical activity, will always lead to an excess in weight

Due to the increasing trend of this particular lifestyle, the increase of a person's amount of fat can ultimately lead to problems such as: weakening of the heart, breathing problems, digestion related issues, kidney failure and even death.

Overweight children become less energetic and get tired more easily. They also avoid participating in sport and neglect physical work which isn't just harmful on themselves but also to everyone else around them.

To sum up, it's clear there are various causes for obesity among children because of our modern lifestyle. Importantly, society must ensure steps are taken so we can overcome this growing risk of obesity.

[durai]

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years.
Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

Over the last decade, obesity among children has increased one fifth in the western countries. It is a serious threat; day by day governments are spending more(incomplete comparison, remove "more") tax-money on health care section( "section "doesn'y make sense) because of growing diseases due to overweight. This essay will discuss what are the root-causes of the problem and examine the consequences of the issue. (in this you didn't mention what the problem is, from the previous sentence I assume the problem is growing diseases", I would write "This essay is an attempt to analyse the causes and effects of being overweight." just to make it simple to understand

First of all, increase in weight(waht weight?) is because of the change in lifestyle. In the modern world, children are consuming high calorie food, and beverages, and doing less physical activities.(avoid two "and " in one sentence) For instance, in United States average children (average?)spend ten percent of the time in playing video games and take unhealthy foods like pizza and burger, results in overweight.(grammatically wrong) Thus, it isclear that high calories, and low(low?) workouts are the causes of overweight.

Adverse effects (because you mentioned more than one problem, so plural noun) of overweight is obesity and other health problems. Due to increasing trend in negative(is there anything like negative lifestyle lifestyle,(bad sentence structure amount of fat deposit getting high, results in health risks such as weakening of the heart, breathing problems, digestion related issue and kidney (kidney ?). For one take, overweight children are less energetic and getting tired very often; they avoid sports and neglect physical work; that is a potential risk that decreases in(remove "in") future man-power for the country. Hence, this makes clear there are the serious issues with overweight.

To sum, it is very clearthat there are various causes for obesity among children because of modern lifestyle, and verity (verity /)of negative effects of health. Society must ensure that the steps should be taken to overcome this obesity problem among chidren


Hi mate,

task response to the good, you tried to answer the question,
but poor control of grammar , almost none of them are flawless, that affects cohesion and coherence.

Poor choice of words on many occasions and inaccurate usage.

overall it demonstrates band 5.5 , control in grammar can get you band 6. avoid long sentences, substitute simple sentences that makes clear to the examiner, so you get marks for TR and CC.

Good luck....

[jegankgm]

Hey thanks for both of you. I will take these input seriously.

I need 7 band, I attended exams two times before.
L-8,R-7,S-7,W-5.5
L-7.5,R-7.5,S-7,w-6

I know my writing needs lot of improvement, can please suggest me some tips.

thanks,
Jegan