How can I improve my writing

[vishwa]

Hello,

I kindly request the active examiners of this website to assess my essay and give me the feedback with approximate band score. Below is the essay written by me.

Nowadays, people always throw the old things away when they buy new things, some people claim that the broken things should be repaired and used again. What factors cause this phenomenon? What effects the phenomenon leads to?

We are living in a fascinating and ever changing world; therefore, one has to accept these changes in order to cope up with it. Some people consider that, one can make place for new things by throwing away the old ones. However, others believe that, old is gold and one should repair them and reuse them. Several factors cause this phenomenon as well as their respective consequences.
The concept of throwing away older things has the negative effect on the environment. These things produce more garbage and eventually lead to the disposal problem. The more throwing away old things, more would be accumulation of garbage. In a long run, this leads to the environmental pollution. Today, pollution has already become the serious threat. Hence, it is suggested to repair the older things and use them instead of disposing them away.
On the other hand, what I believe is in three valuable R’S- repair, recycle and reuse. One could effectively reduce the harm caused to environment by following these three R’s. The practice of reusing older things is a positive phenomenon. The non-biodegradable things such as plastic would go on collecting in the land and lead to the imbalance. Therefore, they should be recycled for the future use.
Nevertheless, one may counter argue that, if one reuses the older things then what about the new ones, they just loose their market value and this may result in the production loss.
Finally, it is clear that, this phenomenon receives the mixed response, it is the moot issue, and one has to look after this issue to avoid the major dreadful consequences.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello Vishwa!

I will go through your essay paragraph by paragraph.

Introduction - Good, but I would delete or substantially change the final sentence. "Old is gold"! Now there's a phrase I haven't heard for ages!
First main paragraph - "The more we throw away old things, the more garbage accumulates." The main idea of the paragraph is good.
Second main paragraph - Good points, with some nice development of ideas.
Conclusion - Whoops! The conclusion must summarize your personal opinion!

Overall, good apart from the conclusion. Good vocabulary with some high-level items (e.g. non-biodegradable, eventually lead to). Grammar is good with a wide range of structures, but try to personalize the essay a little.

All the best,
David

[vishwa]

Thanks a lot Mr. David.

I would really grateful to you, if you give me an approximate band for this essay.