Supermarket & local business (essay - proofreaded)

[danyocean]

SkypeID: daniarsupriyadi - Indonesia

Due to the development and rapid expansion of supermarkets in some countries, many small local business are unable to compete. Some people think that the closure of local business will bring about the death of local communities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The expansion of supermarkets in some countries is feared by many to eventually bring an end to local markets, and this will subsequently make local communities to no longer survive because there are fewer jobs and little opportunities for them to continue their businesses. I agree completely with this alarming trend due to some reasons.

Firstly, the rapid expansion of supermarkets could force many independent shops to shut down. Of these, supermarket related businesses often operate in wider areas with a huge building and enormous parking areas. They also continuously open new branch shops in other districts to expand their markets.

For instance, for the past 8 years in Malang city, many supermarkets, such as the Giant Hypermarket and Carrefour, have built their businesses in an existing land used by traditional markets. They negotiate with local councils to buy and develop shopping precincts. Although some local shops resist to move in a new location, they are actually unable to compete with the supermarkets because they do not have better marketing strategies like majority of supermarkets have had.

People also tend to go shopping in the supermarkets due to the fact that these kinds of shops have almost all things to sell provided with excellent services. Then, the more people go to supermarkets, the less economic development is likely to happen in local business. Though supermarkets open job vacancies, the low-class people are apparently unable to apply because of lack of qualifications, skills and experiences. Consequently, most of those people will contribute to rising unemployment rates, particularly in local societies.

In conclusion, I contend that the growing of supermarkets across the geographical area of countries seems to bring some negative impacts upon local businesses such as causing local shops to shut down and hindering the economic development. (295 words)

[Dr.Matthew]

Hi Danny, really good work here! Congrats . In short, a couple of pieces of advice:
1. Try and find synonyms for those oft-repeated words/terms (eg. like, some, people)
2. Typically, good academic writing tends towards the understated and so ensure your adverbs aren't TOO strong. It's not a piece of rhetoric that's expected.
3. Your sentence variety (both in terms of syntax and lengths) was excellent. I tell my students they don't really need to write more than a complex sentence (1 subordinate clause + 1 main clause) although a good compound sentence that uses a transition and accurately uses the semi-colon can also IMPRESS hahaha:

Increasing property rental prices in many urban areas have impacted negatively on small businesses; therefore, major retail chains have been able to assume a powerful market position quickly.

well done again,

[danyocean]

Hi Danny, really good work here! Congrats . In short, a couple of pieces of advice:
1. Try and find synonyms for those oft-repeated words/terms (eg. like, some, people)
2. Typically, good academic writing tends towards the understated and so ensure your adverbs aren't TOO strong. It's not a piece of rhetoric that's expected.
3. Your sentence variety (both in terms of syntax and lengths) was excellent. I tell my students they don't really need to write more than a complex sentence (1 subordinate clause + 1 main clause) although a good compound sentence that uses a transition and accurately uses the semi-colon can also IMPRESS hahaha:

Increasing property rental prices in many urban areas have impacted negatively on small businesses; therefore, major retail chains have been able to assume a powerful market position quickly.

well done again,

Thank you Dr.Matthew; I deeply appreciate that.
Your suggestions have been noted and comprehended for further improvement. I would encourage my friends to peruse your essay and advice.

[Dr.Matthew]

That's my pleasure Dany. I actually had a tracked changes version for you but the site doesn't appear to allow attachments with docx, doc, rtf, pdf extensions . I guess I could try and convert it to a jpeg possibly and see if I can attach; or, with your permission, I could upload it to my site but then it would be in the public view lol, best again for now,

[Dr.Matthew]

Let's see if the .jpeg idea works (and IS IT READABLE!!!)...

[danyocean]

With pleasure Dr. DR MATTHEW PISCIONERI, it is permissible if you intend to put my essay plus its corrections/comments on your website; I would love to.

[Dr.Matthew]

Done deal my friend Thank you, Matthew

[Dr.Matthew]

Ok Dany, here goes, hope it's OK thanx again, much appreciated, Dr. Matt.

http://www.internationaleap.org/samples.php

[danyocean]

Gotcha, Thank you very much again.