would you please provide feedback, essay , 8-9 band aim

[terry3218]

this is my essay I'm aiming for 8-9 bands, would you be kind enough to provide me some feedback on this essay
regards.

These days more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work. What could be the reasons for this? Do you think it is a positive or a negative development?

In modern times the traditional gender roles are changing rapidly, resulting in more fathers staying at home looking after their offspring and mothers becoming the main breadwinners in the family. There are numerous causes for this and I think it’s a step in the right direction.

In the past few decades there have been numerous women’s movements, as a result of which conventional gender roles have gone through a paradigm shift. Although this equality was only acquired after long hard battles fought by women’s right groups against the misogynist practices that existed few decades ago. Furthermore in past few decades we also had fair share of men’s movements whose main aim was to make men get in touch with their feminine side rather than feel ashamed and disgusted about it.

Nonetheless in many parts of the world and in fact in the minds of many people across the globe such a family system is considered to be an insult to a man’s masculinity but I beg to differ with this school of thought. In my view it’s a blessing to be living in a time in history where both males and females can choose to take on whatever role they decree. And since it has been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that women can do most jobs just as good, if not better than their male counterparts there’s nothing wrong with mothers taking on roles that are traditionally thought to be manly.

All in all, due to successful women’s and men’s movements deep into the last millennia, genders roles are getting swapped and I am of strong opinion that these changes are a blessing.

[IndianHarry]

Hi Terry,

This is a very good essay.The views have been put very clearly and concisely. I struggle myself with the latter though. I am not an examiner, but if I had to guess, I'd say its a band 8 essay.



These days, more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work. What could be the reasons for this? Do you think it is a positive or a negative development?

The modern era has seen a rise in the number of fathers taking up household duties such as attending to the children as well as other such household chores. In this essay, I will first outline the two major causal factors of this and then explain why I believe this trend is a positive one.

To begin with the first cause, this gender role swap has partly been a result of the changing employment scenario. To explain, over the past few decades, the nature of the available jobs has witnessed a shift from physically rigorous to relatively undemanding. As men are built to deal with physically taxing jobs, the scarce availability of such has made the participation of women much more viable. Besides, women are highly preferred for desk jobs, which are aplenty in the modern world.

The second perceptible cause pertains to the lesser developed countries such as the one where I come from. In underdeveloped parts of the world, there have been strong norms about the boundaries of men and women, the former supposedly the sole breadwinner while the latter, a homemaker. However, women rights movements combined with similar movements to get men in touch with their feminine side has resulted in a change in outlook of both, as a consequence of which more men are accepting to stay at home while women go to work.

As for the assessment of this shift, I consider it positive for a number of reasons. One, it has worked to bring women at level with men in terms of physical as well as financial freedom. Two, the families have more flexibility to deal with life problems now that abstract yet rigid gender expectations are out of the way. And lastly, as masculinity, aggression, and violence are all interlinked phenomenon, this feminization of men has made societies much more peaceful.

So, to sum up, changed employment scenario as well as gender-focused movements has been responsible for this change. And, the development has many positive aspects to it on egalitarian, pecuniary, and societal grounds.


P.S I need to work making it shorter.

[terry3218]

Thanks a lot IndianHarry, where do you think I need improvement? and Btw you're essay is amazing, I'll analyze it for myself in detail and I'm sure I'll be able to learn a lot from it.

[IndianHarry]

Thanks a lot IndianHarry, where do you think I need improvement? and Btw you're essay is amazing, I'll analyze it for myself in detail and I'm sure I'll be able to learn a lot from it.

I really don't see where you can improve. May be even more advanced grammatical structures and vocabulary.
'
I do think though that we may both have punctuation errors, something I have hard time with.

[terry3218]

[qu="IndianHarry"]

Thanks a lot IndianHarry, where do you think I need improvement? and Btw you're essay is amazing, I'll analyze it for myself in detail and I'm sure I'll be able to learn a lot from it.

I really don't see where you can improve. May be even more advanced grammatical structures and vocabulary.
'
I do think though that we may both have punctuation errors, something I have hard time with.[/quote]

Ok ill look into using more complex vocabulary. Yes you're right about punctuation, I'm working on it though

[chinoy190]

those who are going to tkae ielts this month id like to practice my english skills so please add me on skype and leave your msgs whenever you're available : skype id: chino.boque190

[chinoy190]

In the last ten years, obesity among children has becoming rampant in the western countries. Some health experts believe that lifestyle is the cause of an increasing obese child in the country. This condition is detrimental to their health and psychological behavior. However, there are possible solutions to oppose this social issue through the cooperation of parents and children.

Lifestyle is the main of the reason that cause obesity among children. For example, children living in USA have sedentary lifestyle. They choose indoor games rather than outdoor activities that involve physical exercise. The update in video game consoles make them more addicted, and become inactive. Moreover, they have an uncontrolled diet, such as eating high fats and high carbohydrates dishes that extremely increases their body mass index. World Health organization believe that proper diet is a factor to become physically fit and effective, and if children do not have this healthy habit, therefore they are likely to become obese.

In addition, the harmful effects of obesity on health and psychological behavior should be taken seriously. Firstly, eating too much fatty foods or high caloric diet will cause heart diseases. In other words, the fats accumulates in the body’s blood vessel, and later on becomes plaque that will obstruct the circulation of the heart. Similarly, According to pediatric society as the children patronize this kind of dishes, they become prone to develop diabetes when they grow old. Moreover, the self esteem of the children is affected because of their physical differences. In addition, the children who are obese often experience discrimination due to their physical limitations. These untoward effects should be given priority by some western community.

However, in order to prevent this dilemma from happening, the solution can be initiated through parents’ participation. If they can discipline their children from eating unhealthy foods, perhaps the risk will become unlikely. More so, if they can motivate their children from physical exercise, definitely their will become fit, healthy and confident.

Indeed, there are apparent causes and detrimental effects of obesity among children in western countries. The solution should be implemented by encouraging the parents to facilitate healthy practices in their children.



helooo can someone givesome feedbacks please

[chinoy190]

im aiming atleastt 7 i need some advice on essay structures so please...