Hi Folks,
Very delighted to be here. I find this a great platform to collaborate with fellow IELTS aspirants and leverage their English knowledge to succeed and help them succeed in achieving target bands.
As a first step I am posting my first ever attempt of general writing. It took me almost one hour to compose this on notepad. I should work on writing it quicker on paper as notepad gives the luxury of rearranging words, cut, copy and paste which is actually not available in the exam on paper.
Please review the content below. Do post corrections, suggestions that would make the content rich in vocabulary, connecting words which would make the essay more cohesive.
Topic :
Home schooling belongs to the past and is unacceptable in the modern society.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
My Essay :
Home schooling is a historical phenomenon where focus of schooling is primarily on a single occupation, which is obviously the parent's occupation. Given that the current environment is extremely dynamic, highly competitive and appreciative of innovations in every aspect, I concede that mere home schooling cannot equip a child to survive and prosper in modern society.
In home schooling, Parents play the role of teachers. In general, parents are not experts in multiple disciplines. Also, practically it is not possible to keep them updated with advanced teaching techniques and emerging trends. For example, I studied C language programming in school, C++ in Pre-university and Java, JEE along with Operating systems in my Engineering. As they were new in job market when they were part of my academic studies, None of my and my friend's parents were even aware of existence of such languages. Further, Not all parents can afford teaching infrastructure which includes but not limited to advanced computers with expensive software, internationally reputed journals on multiple disciplines. Children also would not get exposure to competitive environment, peer bullying in home schooling which one has to definitely encounter in real life. However, parents are very good in shaping character of a child and they should increasingly focus on this area and should always share love with their children.
With so many disadvantages of home schooling, I feel home schooling would not help a child to face competitive world and flourish in modern society.
Thanks in advance
My first writing
Re: My first writing
Small enhancement from my side
With so many disadvantages of home schooling, I feel home schooling has become largely irrelevant in modern society and cannot serve the purpose efficiently
With so many disadvantages of home schooling, I feel home schooling has become largely irrelevant in modern society and cannot serve the purpose efficiently
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OnlineEnglishTeacher
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Re: My first writing
244 words = under 250 words, although perhaps not a penalty for certain.
PS should probably be: homeschooling not home schooling - http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/ ... ooling?s=t
Home schooling belongs to the past and is unacceptable in the modern society.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement
Home schooling is a historical phenomenon where ("the") focus of schooling is primarily on a single occupation, which is obviously the parent's occupation. Given that the current environment is extremely dynamic, highly competitive and appreciative of innovations in every aspect, I concede that mere home schooling cannot equip a child to survive and prosper in modern society.
In home schooling, Parents play the role of teachers. In general, parents are not experts in multiple disciplines. Also, practically it is not possible to keep them updated with advanced teaching techniques and emerging trends. For example, I studied C language programming in school, C++ in ("pre-university") Pre-university and Java, JEE along with ("operating") Operating systems in my ("engineering") Engineering. As they were new in ("the") job market when they were part of my academic studies, none of my and my ("friends'") friend's parents were even aware of ("the") existence of such languages. Further, Not all parents can afford ("the") teaching infrastructure which includes but ("is") not limited to advanced computers with expensive software, ("and") internationally reputed journals on multiple disciplines. Children also would not get exposure to ("a") competitive environment, ("and") peer bullying in home schooling which one has to definitely encounter in real life. However, parents are very good in shaping ("the") character of a child and they should increasingly focus on this area and should always share love with their children.
With so many disadvantages of home schooling, I feel home schooling would not help a child to face ("a") competitive world and flourish in modern society.
Ithought it was pretty good
.
PS should probably be: homeschooling not home schooling - http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/ ... ooling?s=t
Home schooling belongs to the past and is unacceptable in the modern society.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement
Home schooling is a historical phenomenon where ("the") focus of schooling is primarily on a single occupation, which is obviously the parent's occupation. Given that the current environment is extremely dynamic, highly competitive and appreciative of innovations in every aspect, I concede that mere home schooling cannot equip a child to survive and prosper in modern society.
In home schooling, Parents play the role of teachers. In general, parents are not experts in multiple disciplines. Also, practically it is not possible to keep them updated with advanced teaching techniques and emerging trends. For example, I studied C language programming in school, C++ in ("pre-university") Pre-university and Java, JEE along with ("operating") Operating systems in my ("engineering") Engineering. As they were new in ("the") job market when they were part of my academic studies, none of my and my ("friends'") friend's parents were even aware of ("the") existence of such languages. Further, Not all parents can afford ("the") teaching infrastructure which includes but ("is") not limited to advanced computers with expensive software, ("and") internationally reputed journals on multiple disciplines. Children also would not get exposure to ("a") competitive environment, ("and") peer bullying in home schooling which one has to definitely encounter in real life. However, parents are very good in shaping ("the") character of a child and they should increasingly focus on this area and should always share love with their children.
With so many disadvantages of home schooling, I feel home schooling would not help a child to face ("a") competitive world and flourish in modern society.
Ithought it was pretty good
.Prodigy wrote:Hi Folks,
Very delighted to be here. I find this a great platform to collaborate with fellow IELTS aspirants and leverage their English knowledge to succeed and help them succeed in achieving target bands.
As a first step I am posting my first ever attempt of general writing. It took me almost one hour to compose this on notepad. I should work on writing it quicker on paper as notepad gives the luxury of rearranging words, cut, copy and paste which is actually not available in the exam on paper.
Please review the content below. Do post corrections, suggestions that would make the content rich in vocabulary, connecting words which would make the essay more cohesive.
Topic :
Home schooling belongs to the past and is unacceptable in the modern society.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
My Essay :
Home schooling is a historical phenomenon where focus of schooling is primarily on a single occupation, which is obviously the parent's occupation. Given that the current environment is extremely dynamic, highly competitive and appreciative of innovations in every aspect, I concede that mere home schooling cannot equip a child to survive and prosper in modern society.
In home schooling, Parents play the role of teachers. In general, parents are not experts in multiple disciplines. Also, practically it is not possible to keep them updated with advanced teaching techniques and emerging trends. For example, I studied C language programming in school, C++ in Pre-university and Java, JEE along with Operating systems in my Engineering. As they were new in job market when they were part of my academic studies, None of my and my friend's parents were even aware of existence of such languages. Further, Not all parents can afford teaching infrastructure which includes but not limited to advanced computers with expensive software, internationally reputed journals on multiple disciplines. Children also would not get exposure to competitive environment, peer bullying in home schooling which one has to definitely encounter in real life. However, parents are very good in shaping character of a child and they should increasingly focus on this area and should always share love with their children.
With so many disadvantages of home schooling, I feel home schooling would not help a child to face competitive world and flourish in modern society.
Thanks in advance
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Re: My first writing
Homeschooling is thought to belong to the past and is not socially accepted in the modern life setting. Indeed, with the development of the education system and most parents are too busy to play the role of a teacher, homeschooling has became very rare. However, there are few people who still choose homeschooling over the traditional education for their children and I believe this trend is actually slowly prevailing.
Firstly, the advocates of homeschooling claim that standard education fails to create creative people hence they are forced to seek an alternative solution, one of which is homeschooling. Sir Ken Robinson, a British educationalist, said in his famous TED talk "Education kills creativity" that the current education system and its standardized tests are designed to ultimately create a submissive and obedient workforce who lack of ability to generate original ideas. This talk has inspired many people to re-think the way they are educating their children and caused many of them turning to homeschooling as a solution when the traditional education does not seem to be changing any time soon. In fact, a 13 year old teenage boy, Logan LaPlante, recently came to the same forum to share his own homeschooling experience confirming that homeschooling is not a strange idea.
Furthermore, as the society and technology have changed drastically compare to a hundred years ago, the perception of homeschooling has also been changed. Parents need not act as teachers but more as a guide, and with the support of technology, they can lead their children to the source of the knowledge. For example, there are a wide range of online courses for a child to choose from. Additionally, homeschooling does not stop a child from meeting people who share the same interests as theirs. This exemplifies that homeschooling can totally fit in the modern society.
In summary, in my personal view, although homeschooling is not widely considered a social norm it is anticipated that there will be an increasing number of people turning to this solution as they have doubt on the current education system. With the support of technology, homeschooling can be seen suitable with the modern life setting, therefore, hopefully the society will change their perception of homeschooling accordingly.
Firstly, the advocates of homeschooling claim that standard education fails to create creative people hence they are forced to seek an alternative solution, one of which is homeschooling. Sir Ken Robinson, a British educationalist, said in his famous TED talk "Education kills creativity" that the current education system and its standardized tests are designed to ultimately create a submissive and obedient workforce who lack of ability to generate original ideas. This talk has inspired many people to re-think the way they are educating their children and caused many of them turning to homeschooling as a solution when the traditional education does not seem to be changing any time soon. In fact, a 13 year old teenage boy, Logan LaPlante, recently came to the same forum to share his own homeschooling experience confirming that homeschooling is not a strange idea.
Furthermore, as the society and technology have changed drastically compare to a hundred years ago, the perception of homeschooling has also been changed. Parents need not act as teachers but more as a guide, and with the support of technology, they can lead their children to the source of the knowledge. For example, there are a wide range of online courses for a child to choose from. Additionally, homeschooling does not stop a child from meeting people who share the same interests as theirs. This exemplifies that homeschooling can totally fit in the modern society.
In summary, in my personal view, although homeschooling is not widely considered a social norm it is anticipated that there will be an increasing number of people turning to this solution as they have doubt on the current education system. With the support of technology, homeschooling can be seen suitable with the modern life setting, therefore, hopefully the society will change their perception of homeschooling accordingly.
Re: My first writing
@Online English teacher,
Thanks a lot for the detailed review. You pointed out some mistakes which i commit sometimes knowingly and sometimes unknowingly. Your heads up will help me in being more conscious in my next writing practice task. Feeling privileged to share platform with you. I will post more tasks here, in the same thread and I request you to be kind enough to review them when you find time.
Thanks in advance
Thanks a lot for the detailed review. You pointed out some mistakes which i commit sometimes knowingly and sometimes unknowingly. Your heads up will help me in being more conscious in my next writing practice task. Feeling privileged to share platform with you. I will post more tasks here, in the same thread and I request you to be kind enough to review them when you find time.
Thanks in advance
Re: My first writing
@chi,
Thanks for the writeup with opposite stand. More than your English, I am impressed with the flow of thought and assertiveness in your essay. Just curious to know the time you took to compose this essay.
I will continue to post more essays. Please do complement them in whatever way you can.
Thanks in advance
Thanks for the writeup with opposite stand. More than your English, I am impressed with the flow of thought and assertiveness in your essay. Just curious to know the time you took to compose this essay.
I will continue to post more essays. Please do complement them in whatever way you can.
Thanks in advance
Re: My first writing
Topic : A study revealed that children are spending most of their time watching television. Do you think this is a positive trend ?
Essay :
A study revealed that children are spending most of their free time watching television. I personally opine that this is not a good trend as not all television programs benefit children positively.
While it is true that certain television programs are educative and entertaining, it is also true that most television programs are time killing. Further, there is also a possibility of children watching adult only programs on television without knowledge of their parents and try emulating screen characters in real life which would have adverse impact on their studies and character. Very recently, inspired by a famous television program XXX, a school student stabbed his teacher with kitchen knife and was convicted. Given the fact that children find television programs interesting and by nature, they get addicted to whatever they find interesting, children would not show interest in sports leading to laziness and obesity. Famous child psychologist XXX scientifically proved that playing indoor and outdoor games would nourish children brains. Excessive restraining of children from watching television programs is also not good as children tend to grow increasingly eager to do things which they are restrained from doing.
Hence, I strongly feel children should watch television programs only with strict guidance of parents and spend more time in playing games which not only exercises their body but also brain.
Time taken : 40 minutes on computer
Essay :
A study revealed that children are spending most of their free time watching television. I personally opine that this is not a good trend as not all television programs benefit children positively.
While it is true that certain television programs are educative and entertaining, it is also true that most television programs are time killing. Further, there is also a possibility of children watching adult only programs on television without knowledge of their parents and try emulating screen characters in real life which would have adverse impact on their studies and character. Very recently, inspired by a famous television program XXX, a school student stabbed his teacher with kitchen knife and was convicted. Given the fact that children find television programs interesting and by nature, they get addicted to whatever they find interesting, children would not show interest in sports leading to laziness and obesity. Famous child psychologist XXX scientifically proved that playing indoor and outdoor games would nourish children brains. Excessive restraining of children from watching television programs is also not good as children tend to grow increasingly eager to do things which they are restrained from doing.
Hence, I strongly feel children should watch television programs only with strict guidance of parents and spend more time in playing games which not only exercises their body but also brain.
Time taken : 40 minutes on computer
Re: My first writing
Hi Prodigy,
Welcome to the forum! And thank you for your response. It is good to see a member who is active at posting original works and commenting on others' at the same time. I believe criticizing others' work can stimulate and catalyze your learning, which is great.
I actually didn't time myself this time. Initially, I just wanted to respond to your opinion since I happened to watch few TED talks, which I mentioned in the essay, relating to the topic in question, but then it turned into an essay anyway.
I have a comment regarding to your essay structure, that you should break your body paragraph into smaller paragraphs. That way the readers can see right away how many arguments you have to back up your opinion. Please remember that each paragraph is to discuss a sole idea/argument, therefore if you start introducing a different idea to your initial paragraph, you'd rather start a new one! Although I don't believe there are strict rules on how you should write an essay, paragraphing helps communicate with the audience clearly, hence effectively. I recommend you to watch Ryan's videos in which he explain his way of structuring an Ielts essay and I do find it logical and easy to follow.
Alright, I will write more in the next few days. The last two days has been hectic since I worked long hours and didn't have much sleep at all....zzzzz
Cheers,
Chi
Welcome to the forum! And thank you for your response. It is good to see a member who is active at posting original works and commenting on others' at the same time. I believe criticizing others' work can stimulate and catalyze your learning, which is great.
I actually didn't time myself this time. Initially, I just wanted to respond to your opinion since I happened to watch few TED talks, which I mentioned in the essay, relating to the topic in question, but then it turned into an essay anyway.
I have a comment regarding to your essay structure, that you should break your body paragraph into smaller paragraphs. That way the readers can see right away how many arguments you have to back up your opinion. Please remember that each paragraph is to discuss a sole idea/argument, therefore if you start introducing a different idea to your initial paragraph, you'd rather start a new one! Although I don't believe there are strict rules on how you should write an essay, paragraphing helps communicate with the audience clearly, hence effectively. I recommend you to watch Ryan's videos in which he explain his way of structuring an Ielts essay and I do find it logical and easy to follow.
Alright, I will write more in the next few days. The last two days has been hectic since I worked long hours and didn't have much sleep at all....zzzzz
Cheers,
Chi
Re: My first writing
Thanks Chi for quoting about the spirit with which one has to take criticism, and I do take it the same way.
Firstly, do take time for slumber and revitalize yourself.
Next, I did go through Ryan video on your suggestion and I must tell you that it did help me a lot in how to structure my essay. I too found the mode very logical.
I did write the below essay keeping his video in mind. Do criticize when you find time
Topic :
Reducing global environmental damage should be handled by governments rather than individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and provide relevant examples from your own experience.
Essay :
One of the consequences of industrialization is damage to the environment. This phenomenon if not addressed in time, might question the very survival of human beings. It is argued that reducing industrialization can be more effectively handled by governments than individuals.
Generally, unrefined manufacturing techniques and lack of sophisticated equipment in industries are primary reasons for release of toxic wastes. Recently, It was found that cheap equipment used by XXX company in the Arabian sea for extraction of oil has led to leakage of petroleum residues in the inner layers of ocean killing thousands of fishes. It was later found that, during regular inspection, the company appointed Quality advisor could not gauge the possible damage it could cause and certified the equipment fit for use. In all probability, A regulatory body appointed by government could have certified the equipment unfit given the government's access to knowledge repository of safety standards of internationally reputed original equipment manufacturers.
Certain organizations may not tend to respect and follow individual guidelines as much as they do with Government guidelines. For example, XXX LTD in my own city was releasing industrial wastage into river in spite of opposition from local social activist. They finally obliged after the activist with the help of government authorities issued a legal notice. Organizations being affluent might intimidate individuals, but would definitely listen to governments for the fear of being penalized for breach of law.
To conclude, it is felt that government can effectively regularize industry operations thus reducing environment pollution as it can set correct guidelines with access to knowledge repository and can take action if firms do not oblige.
Firstly, do take time for slumber and revitalize yourself.
Next, I did go through Ryan video on your suggestion and I must tell you that it did help me a lot in how to structure my essay. I too found the mode very logical.
I did write the below essay keeping his video in mind. Do criticize when you find time
Topic :
Reducing global environmental damage should be handled by governments rather than individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and provide relevant examples from your own experience.
Essay :
One of the consequences of industrialization is damage to the environment. This phenomenon if not addressed in time, might question the very survival of human beings. It is argued that reducing industrialization can be more effectively handled by governments than individuals.
Generally, unrefined manufacturing techniques and lack of sophisticated equipment in industries are primary reasons for release of toxic wastes. Recently, It was found that cheap equipment used by XXX company in the Arabian sea for extraction of oil has led to leakage of petroleum residues in the inner layers of ocean killing thousands of fishes. It was later found that, during regular inspection, the company appointed Quality advisor could not gauge the possible damage it could cause and certified the equipment fit for use. In all probability, A regulatory body appointed by government could have certified the equipment unfit given the government's access to knowledge repository of safety standards of internationally reputed original equipment manufacturers.
Certain organizations may not tend to respect and follow individual guidelines as much as they do with Government guidelines. For example, XXX LTD in my own city was releasing industrial wastage into river in spite of opposition from local social activist. They finally obliged after the activist with the help of government authorities issued a legal notice. Organizations being affluent might intimidate individuals, but would definitely listen to governments for the fear of being penalized for breach of law.
To conclude, it is felt that government can effectively regularize industry operations thus reducing environment pollution as it can set correct guidelines with access to knowledge repository and can take action if firms do not oblige.
Re: My first writing
Hi Parodigy,
I am recovered after a long sleep)))
Here're my comments:
- Introduction:
+ "One of the consequences of industrialization is damage to the environment." - I would change this sentence to "One of the consequences of industrialization is the damage that it causes to the environment. I cannot explain why, I just prefer to write it that way. I hope you don't mind some of my reasoning, please take it as a suggestion than a correction.
+ If you followed Ryan's method, you know that his introduction includes an "outline sentence" which shows exactly how your are going to structure your essay. It is not compulsory, but I think that sentence can be quite useful because it keeps you stay focus with your arguments and stimulates the audience making them wonder what you are going to say next, needless to say it helps with the word count as well - You might consider adding that sentence to your essay.
- Body paragraphs: your argument is based on the role of the government being a watchdog and law maker who can impose sanction on environmental damaging activities, do correct me if I am wrong. I would make this clear in the first sentence of each of the body paragraphs, which serves as your topic sentence. And the following sentences are to back up your arguments, which you have done already. However, at the end of each paragraph, you need to tie your argument back to the main topic somehow so it supports your thesis.
+ I am confused about your term of "individual guidelines", not sure what you mean by that?
- Conclusion: I feel like saying "It is felt that..." is a bit weak. After the all the arguments that you have put forward, you should be able to come to a strong conclusion. You can say: "To conclude, it is clear that ...."
That's all for now. Hope it helps.
Cheers,
Chi
I am recovered after a long sleep
))) Here're my comments:
- Introduction:
+ "One of the consequences of industrialization is damage to the environment." - I would change this sentence to "One of the consequences of industrialization is the damage that it causes to the environment. I cannot explain why, I just prefer to write it that way. I hope you don't mind some of my reasoning, please take it as a suggestion than a correction.
+ If you followed Ryan's method, you know that his introduction includes an "outline sentence" which shows exactly how your are going to structure your essay. It is not compulsory, but I think that sentence can be quite useful because it keeps you stay focus with your arguments and stimulates the audience making them wonder what you are going to say next, needless to say it helps with the word count as well - You might consider adding that sentence to your essay.
- Body paragraphs: your argument is based on the role of the government being a watchdog and law maker who can impose sanction on environmental damaging activities, do correct me if I am wrong. I would make this clear in the first sentence of each of the body paragraphs, which serves as your topic sentence. And the following sentences are to back up your arguments, which you have done already. However, at the end of each paragraph, you need to tie your argument back to the main topic somehow so it supports your thesis.
+ I am confused about your term of "individual guidelines", not sure what you mean by that?
- Conclusion: I feel like saying "It is felt that..." is a bit weak. After the all the arguments that you have put forward, you should be able to come to a strong conclusion. You can say: "To conclude, it is clear that ...."
That's all for now. Hope it helps.
Cheers,
Chi
Re: My first writing
Hi Parodigy
This is my essay on the topic: "Reducing global environmental damage should be handled by governments rather than individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and provide relevant examples from your own experience"
I barely made it in 40 minutes, strictly speaking, it took me 42 minutes typing, and I didn't have any time to read it again. I need to work to write faster
Please comment! - Dont be surprise that I took the opposite position again, I think you can argue otherwise. In reality, of course it should be a combination of both
--------------------------------------------------
Environmental problems are a hot topic in any international summits and make headlines on a daily basis. There has been a debate whether the responsibility to remedy the damage that human beings have caused to the environment lies solely in the hand of governments or it should be rather handled by individuals. I strongly believe that individuals should and could handle environmental problems more effectively than governments. This will be shown by analyzing the role of human beings in all the environmental problems and the notion of “social contract”.
Firstly, it is crucial to recognize the ultimate cause of environmental damages is people hence only people can change the situation effectively by changing their behavior. There have been studies pointing out that environmental protection laws in most countries are complex and well developed, but only in the countries where people have better understand of the consequences of their actions, they behave in a more responsible manner. This exemplifies that individuals are more direct and effective in reducing environmental damage.
In addition, people can impose pressure on corporation to force them to conduct their operations more responsibly base on the notion of “social contract”. According to this notion, there is a contract between the companies and the society that they operate in. These companies would comply with the expectations of the society in order to avoid sanction. With the awareness of the environmental by the society, many companies have adopted environmental friendly technologies. This proves that people can handle the environmental issues effectively.
In conclusion, it is clear that people should handle environmental issues because they are the cause of the damaging behaviors and only people can directly reduce the detriments to the environment. Furthermore, they have the power to influence corporations to act more responsibly. Hopefully this role of people in environmental remediation will be made more pronounced in the near future.
This is my essay on the topic: "Reducing global environmental damage should be handled by governments rather than individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and provide relevant examples from your own experience"
I barely made it in 40 minutes, strictly speaking, it took me 42 minutes typing, and I didn't have any time to read it again. I need to work to write faster
Please comment! - Dont be surprise that I took the opposite position again, I think you can argue otherwise. In reality, of course it should be a combination of both
--------------------------------------------------
Environmental problems are a hot topic in any international summits and make headlines on a daily basis. There has been a debate whether the responsibility to remedy the damage that human beings have caused to the environment lies solely in the hand of governments or it should be rather handled by individuals. I strongly believe that individuals should and could handle environmental problems more effectively than governments. This will be shown by analyzing the role of human beings in all the environmental problems and the notion of “social contract”.
Firstly, it is crucial to recognize the ultimate cause of environmental damages is people hence only people can change the situation effectively by changing their behavior. There have been studies pointing out that environmental protection laws in most countries are complex and well developed, but only in the countries where people have better understand of the consequences of their actions, they behave in a more responsible manner. This exemplifies that individuals are more direct and effective in reducing environmental damage.
In addition, people can impose pressure on corporation to force them to conduct their operations more responsibly base on the notion of “social contract”. According to this notion, there is a contract between the companies and the society that they operate in. These companies would comply with the expectations of the society in order to avoid sanction. With the awareness of the environmental by the society, many companies have adopted environmental friendly technologies. This proves that people can handle the environmental issues effectively.
In conclusion, it is clear that people should handle environmental issues because they are the cause of the damaging behaviors and only people can directly reduce the detriments to the environment. Furthermore, they have the power to influence corporations to act more responsibly. Hopefully this role of people in environmental remediation will be made more pronounced in the near future.
Re: My first writing
Oh dear, just look how many mistakes that I made under time pressure! That really freaks me out now. I think my writing is too long, and I need to shorten it somehow so I can save some time for proof-reading.
Re: My first writing
Hi Chi,
Thanks for your time and comments.
If you correct, I would stand corrected. If you suggest, I would be enriching my vocabulary or sentence phrasing skills.
I do accept with you on all the points you made.
Please refer below another essay I attempted keeping your suggestions and corrections in mind. Hoping you would give both suggestions and corrections.
Topic :
Even though developing countries receive financial aid, poverty is still a problem. Some people believe that in order to eliminate poverty in developing countries other forms of aid are needed .
To what extent do you agree or disagree? And suggest what other form of aid could be offered.
Essay:
Poverty is the biggest challenge mankind is facing today. It continues to be an issue in developing countries despite of financial aid. Based on this very fact, it is argued that financial aid alone cannot eliminate poverty. The circumstances that make financial aid inefficient along with other forms of aid that can help in delivering desired results are discussed.
Tsunami victims of XXX were allocated one billion dollar as financial aid. Today, eight years after the mishap, they are still struggling to earn single meal a day. Investigation revealed that though funds are claimed to be spent completely for rehabilitation of victims, only 10% of it was actually spent on it. Further, 45% of aid was spent for purchasing military equipment and the balance amount was absorbed by corrupt officials. Thus, it is evident that sincerity, corruption and inefficient governance have hindered effective usage of allotted monetary aid.
XXX Government sanctioned 500$ each for all families below poverty line as part of self employment scheme encouraging them to start their own business. Two years later, it was discovered that while some individuals started small scale business but could not sustain, others did not even attempt to start. Lack of basic skills and no determination to prosper in life were identified as reasons for failure of this scheme. Aid in terms of teaching necessary skills and counseling would have helped them in making efficient use of sanctioned funds.
To summarize, it is vivid that financial aid alone cannot help eliminate poverty. Other forms of aid such as skill workshops, counseling by psychology experts would be instrumental in elevating the financial status and improving standard of living of the poor.
Thanks for your time and comments.
If you correct, I would stand corrected. If you suggest, I would be enriching my vocabulary or sentence phrasing skills.
I do accept with you on all the points you made.
Please refer below another essay I attempted keeping your suggestions and corrections in mind. Hoping you would give both suggestions and corrections.
Topic :
Even though developing countries receive financial aid, poverty is still a problem. Some people believe that in order to eliminate poverty in developing countries other forms of aid are needed .
To what extent do you agree or disagree? And suggest what other form of aid could be offered.
Essay:
Poverty is the biggest challenge mankind is facing today. It continues to be an issue in developing countries despite of financial aid. Based on this very fact, it is argued that financial aid alone cannot eliminate poverty. The circumstances that make financial aid inefficient along with other forms of aid that can help in delivering desired results are discussed.
Tsunami victims of XXX were allocated one billion dollar as financial aid. Today, eight years after the mishap, they are still struggling to earn single meal a day. Investigation revealed that though funds are claimed to be spent completely for rehabilitation of victims, only 10% of it was actually spent on it. Further, 45% of aid was spent for purchasing military equipment and the balance amount was absorbed by corrupt officials. Thus, it is evident that sincerity, corruption and inefficient governance have hindered effective usage of allotted monetary aid.
XXX Government sanctioned 500$ each for all families below poverty line as part of self employment scheme encouraging them to start their own business. Two years later, it was discovered that while some individuals started small scale business but could not sustain, others did not even attempt to start. Lack of basic skills and no determination to prosper in life were identified as reasons for failure of this scheme. Aid in terms of teaching necessary skills and counseling would have helped them in making efficient use of sanctioned funds.
To summarize, it is vivid that financial aid alone cannot help eliminate poverty. Other forms of aid such as skill workshops, counseling by psychology experts would be instrumental in elevating the financial status and improving standard of living of the poor.
Re: My first writing
Hi Chi and fellow aspirants,
One more for your suggestions and corrections. I deliberately skipped few sentences from the standard format of essay because the essay was already big in size.
Question:
Nowadays for many people the Internet is replacing regular books. What do you think will happen in the future and what is your opinion about this trend?
Essay:
Books have been instrumental in educating human beings from many centuries. However, with invention of internet, people are preferring internet to books because of access to knowledge from various sources on multiple disciplines simultaneously, flexibility to access from anywhere in the world and get latest information, additional support by audio and video files, scope for staying connected with vast community and feasibility for discussions on any topic with almost no constraint on participant location. Hence, It is opined that internet would eventually replace physical books and this is a positive trend.
Multiple experiments on people of same IQ have proved that people abstract more information from visuals than plain text. As the saying goes, a single picture speaks thousand words. For example beauty of Kashmir can be easily explained by playing video of Kashmir in 10 minutes but the same cannot be elucidated by a book so effectively even with the help of 10 pages. Given the fact that internet can facilitate hosting of videos, experience of gaining knowledge from internet is far superior to reading book.
Professionals today need simultaneous access to multiple disciplines from various sources simultaneously to successfully complete their daily assignments. For example, a CAD designer to design a bridge in a foreign city would need details of construction material, weather conditions of the city, specifications of various vehicles permitted on the road and traffic density as prerequisite. All this information can be obtained from internet instantly while it is arduous to search for books which contain this information and then search for content in those books. It is also possible that the information in books is outdated. This clears gives an edge to internet over books.
Hence it is clear that today, regular books cannot compete with internet in providing information. Further given the inventions happening in technology which would further enrich internet functionality, it is exemplified that internet would eventually substitute physical books.
One more for your suggestions and corrections. I deliberately skipped few sentences from the standard format of essay because the essay was already big in size.
Question:
Nowadays for many people the Internet is replacing regular books. What do you think will happen in the future and what is your opinion about this trend?
Essay:
Books have been instrumental in educating human beings from many centuries. However, with invention of internet, people are preferring internet to books because of access to knowledge from various sources on multiple disciplines simultaneously, flexibility to access from anywhere in the world and get latest information, additional support by audio and video files, scope for staying connected with vast community and feasibility for discussions on any topic with almost no constraint on participant location. Hence, It is opined that internet would eventually replace physical books and this is a positive trend.
Multiple experiments on people of same IQ have proved that people abstract more information from visuals than plain text. As the saying goes, a single picture speaks thousand words. For example beauty of Kashmir can be easily explained by playing video of Kashmir in 10 minutes but the same cannot be elucidated by a book so effectively even with the help of 10 pages. Given the fact that internet can facilitate hosting of videos, experience of gaining knowledge from internet is far superior to reading book.
Professionals today need simultaneous access to multiple disciplines from various sources simultaneously to successfully complete their daily assignments. For example, a CAD designer to design a bridge in a foreign city would need details of construction material, weather conditions of the city, specifications of various vehicles permitted on the road and traffic density as prerequisite. All this information can be obtained from internet instantly while it is arduous to search for books which contain this information and then search for content in those books. It is also possible that the information in books is outdated. This clears gives an edge to internet over books.
Hence it is clear that today, regular books cannot compete with internet in providing information. Further given the inventions happening in technology which would further enrich internet functionality, it is exemplified that internet would eventually substitute physical books.