Evaluate my essay

[bunni015]

Hi All,

The popularity of mobile phones among young people is growing rapidly. Is it a good or a bad development? Give your own opinion and relevant examples from experience.


Current trends reveal that holding an elegant and captivating gadgets is common among youngsters. Among these different gadgets, especially, youth is totally obsessed by getting latest mobile devices - smart phones. Apparently, the usage of mobile phones has increased rapidly and gained popularity. Although there are numerous reasons behind this increased consumption, this inditing examines two of the prominent reasons before summarizing an opinion.

Mobile devices, specifically, mobile phones are user-friendly and provide a handful of ways to communicate and keep in touch either with kith and kin or peers. For instance, if I had to stay back in the office for whole night, to meet the deadline. I can simply make call and update the situation and context to my family without moving an inch from office desktop. Consider another incident, where I found myself in the middle of congestion while commuting to office. On this event, I can update my boss the reason behind the delay of my presence in office, on time. Clearly, mobile phones are very useful to connect instantly and communicate.

Although mobile phones were useful in communicating, the advent of smart phones has complemented the communication mechanism in multitude forms. Precisely, the consumer have options to access either their personal and official emails or access to World Wide Web. Consider a business trip to a distant location where the usage of internet is minimal in these situations access to personal emails can be gained by using smart phones.However, it is also useful in uploading, sharing, and commenting on the photos that were captured. There are various applications - apps - which are readily available in it like Facebook, Twitter etc.... Hence Smartphones an enhanced version of mobile phone is truly amazing.

To summarize, the instant growth in the usage of mobile phones among the young people must be welcomed. This devices have provided various means for communication. However, it is assumed that the usage of these gadgets must be incorporated in a right path.

Regards,
Bunni

[npr.ielts7]

my version.........

In today's world, the use of mobile phones is ever increasing. This trend is commonly seen in youngsters. It is agreed that the popularity among youngsters is a positive development. Analysing both the ability to communicate at ease with friends and relatives as well as the access to any information on the fly will show this.

Firstly, with the use of mobile phones, communication with peers and family becomes fast and easy. For example, as a student, I lived away from home and I was required to regularly update on my progress with my parents. Fortunately, mobile phone came to my rescue and I could make quick video or voice calls with my parents. This makes it clear why mobile calling devices are popular among youngsters.

Secondly, information about anything and everything is made available on mobile phones. For instance, if I need to know about the best possible route to a place, I can simply search this information on the mobile phone instead of referring to physical maps. Mobile phones today are designed to give information on the fly. From this, it becomes quite evident why the popularity of mobile phones is on the rise.

In summary, mobile phone gives its user both the flexibility to communicate and reach to information any time during a day. Thus, it is clear why the rapid growth of phone usage is seen as a positive trend. After analyzing this subject, it is predicted that more people will follow this trend and start using it daily.

[kumar446]

my version.........

In today's world, the use of mobile phones is ever increasing. This trend is commonly seen in youngsters. It is agreed that the popularity among youngsters is a positive development. Analysing both the ability to communicate at ease with friends and relatives as well as the access to any information on the fly will show this.

Firstly, with the use of mobile phones, communication with peers and family becomes fast and easy. For example, as a student, I lived away from home and I was required to regularly update on my progress with my parents. Fortunately, mobile phone came to my rescue and I could make quick video or voice calls with my parents. This makes it clear why mobile calling devices are popular among youngsters.

Secondly, information about anything and everything is made available on mobile phones. For instance, if I need to know about the best possible route to a place, I can simply search this information on the mobile phone instead of referring to physical maps. Mobile phones today are designed to give information on the fly. From this, it becomes quite evident why the popularity of mobile phones is on the rise.

In summary, mobile phone gives its user both the flexibility to communicate and reach to information any time during a day. Thus, it is clear why the rapid growth of phone usage is seen as a positive trend. After analyzing this subject, it is predicted that more people will follow this trend and start using it daily.

Hi Bunni,

Here are few observations.

the use of mobile phones --> Usage of mobile phones(i am not sure both are correct but which to pick)
youngsters --> repeated --> youth ,teenagers,
on the fly --> repeated --> on the GO

No HIgh Vocabulary and complex sentence structures used.By the ways your essay is sweet and simple.

You can say mobile phones,Nowadays mobiles phones are cutting edge technologies for communications. in introduction you can talk little bit about change in TRAI regularization ,where call rates and internet charges are drastically reduced.And revolution in VLSI design where chips are becoming smaller and smaller,which inturn is helping mobile phones industry to reduce the prices.

Thanks,
Kumar

[bunni015]

my version.........

In today's world, the use of mobile phones is ever increasing. This trend is commonly seen in youngsters. It is agreed that the popularity among youngsters is a positive development. Analysing both the ability to communicate at ease with friends and relatives as well as the access to any information on the fly will show this.

Firstly, with the use of mobile phones, communication with peers and family becomes fast and easy. For example, as a student, I lived away from home and I was required to regularly update on my progress with my parents. Fortunately, mobile phone came to my rescue and I could make quick video or voice calls with my parents. This makes it clear why mobile calling devices are popular among youngsters.

Secondly, information about anything and everything is made available on mobile phones. For instance, if I need to know about the best possible route to a place, I can simply search this information on the mobile phone instead of referring to physical maps. Mobile phones today are designed to give information on the fly. From this, it becomes quite evident why the popularity of mobile phones is on the rise.

In summary, mobile phone gives its user both the flexibility to communicate and reach to information any time during a day. Thus, it is clear why the rapid growth of phone usage is seen as a positive trend. After analyzing this subject, it is predicted that more people will follow this trend and start using it daily.

Hi Bunni,

Here are few observations.

the use of mobile phones --> Usage of mobile phones(i am not sure both are correct but which to pick)
youngsters --> repeated --> youth ,teenagers,
on the fly --> repeated --> on the GO

No HIgh Vocabulary and complex sentence structures used.By the ways your essay is sweet and simple.

You can say mobile phones,Nowadays mobiles phones are cutting edge technologies for communications. in introduction you can talk little bit about change in TRAI regularization ,where call rates and internet charges are drastically reduced.And revolution in VLSI design where chips are becoming smaller and smaller,which inturn is helping mobile phones industry to reduce the prices.

Thanks,
Kumar

Kumar, unfortunately, You have expressed your opinions about the essay submitted by NPR.IELTS7. Would you mind to check the first post in this thread?

Regards
Bunni

[kumar446]

Hi Bunni,

I feel your essay OK. i feel you are trying to break the sentences to make entire sentence.

please see below findings:

1) youth is totally obsessed by getting latest mobile devices --> by getting (not required i feel), youth is totally obsessed with latest mobile devices

2) Although there are numerous reasons behind this increased consumption --> (consumption is very odd i feel) usage (should be fine)

3) which are readily available in it like Facebook --> (OK), whcich are pre-loaded with apps like Facebook,Twitter

4) This devices --> These devices

5) Precisely, the consumer have options to access either their --> Precisely, the consumer has options

Thanks,
Kumar

Hi All,

The popularity of mobile phones among young people is growing rapidly. Is it a good or a bad development? Give your own opinion and relevant examples from experience.


Current trends reveal that holding an elegant and captivating gadgets is common among youngsters. Among these different gadgets, especially, youth is totally obsessed by getting latest mobile devices - smart phones. Apparently, the usage of mobile phones has increased rapidly and gained popularity. Although there are numerous reasons behind this increased consumption, this inditing examines two of the prominent reasons before summarizing an opinion.

Mobile devices, specifically, mobile phones are user-friendly and provide a handful of ways to communicate and keep in touch either with kith and kin or peers. For instance, if I had to stay back in the office for whole night, to meet the deadline. I can simply make call and update the situation and context to my family without moving an inch from office desktop. Consider another incident, where I found myself in the middle of congestion while commuting to office. On this event, I can update my boss the reason behind the delay of my presence in office, on time. Clearly, mobile phones are very useful to connect instantly and communicate.

Although mobile phones were useful in communicating, the advent of smart phones has complemented the communication mechanism in multitude forms. Precisely, the consumer have options to access either their personal and official emails or access to World Wide Web. Consider a business trip to a distant location where the usage of internet is minimal in these situations access to personal emails can be gained by using smart phones.However, it is also useful in uploading, sharing, and commenting on the photos that were captured. There are various applications - apps - which are readily available in it like Facebook, Twitter etc.... Hence Smartphones an enhanced version of mobile phone is truly amazing.

To summarize, the instant growth in the usage of mobile phones among the young people must be welcomed. This devices have provided various means for communication. However, it is assumed that the usage of these gadgets must be incorporated in a right path.

Regards,
Bunni

[bunni015]

Hi Kumar,

Thanks for your observations & suggestions. Yet, I am in the process of learning; I will give priority to your findings.

Regards,
Bunni

[Ryan]

Hi All,

The popularity of mobile phones among young people is growing rapidly. Is it a good or a bad development? Give your own opinion and relevant examples from experience.


Current trends reveal that holding an elegant and captivating gadgets (<--Watch your plurals.) is common among youngsters. Among these different gadgets, especially, youth is totally obsessed by getting latest mobile devices - smart phones. (<--This sentence is very awkward. Please also avoid using dashes in your writing, as they make you look like a lazy writer. Try rewording this sentence to: Among these gadgets, young people are particularly drawn to smart phones.) Apparently, the usage of mobile phones has increased rapidly and gained popularity. (<--Why do you frame this sentence with "apparently"? Is this information surprising to you?) Although there are numerous reasons behind this increased consumption, this inditing examines two of the prominent reasons before summarizing an opinion. (<--Summarizing an opinion? Try a verb like "reaching" or "concluding upon" or "deriving".)

Mobile devices, specifically, mobile phones are user-friendly and provide a handful of ways to communicate and keep in touch either with kith and kin or peers. (<--Don't overcomplicate the topic of this paragraph. All you want to say here is that mobile devices are attractive to young people because they provide young people avenues for communication.) For instance, if I had to stay back in the office for whole night, (<--Do you mean "all night"?) to meet the deadline. (<--This sentence is incomplete.) I can simply make call and update the situation and context to my family without moving an inch from office desktop. Consider another incident, where I found myself in the middle of congestion while commuting to office. On this event, I can update my boss the reason behind the delay of my presence in office, on time. Clearly, mobile phones are very useful to connect instantly and communicate. (<--But where is the tie to "young people"? Specifically, where is the tie to the benefits or drawbacks of young people using mobile devices? I think this paragraph misses the target.)

Although mobile phones were useful in communicating, the advent of smart phones has complemented the communication mechanism in multitude forms. (<--Again, you overcomplicate the idea, and this causes awkwardness. Topic sentences are easy. They simply state the subject of the paragraph.) Precisely, the consumer have options to access either their personal and official emails or access to World Wide Web. Consider a business trip to a distant location where the usage of internet is minimal in these situations access to personal emails can be gained by using smart phones.However, it is also useful in uploading, sharing, and commenting on the photos that were captured. There are various applications - apps - which are readily available in it like Facebook, Twitter etc.... (<--NEVER use "etc" or "..." in your essay. NEVER! NEVER! NEVER!) Hence Smartphones an enhanced version of mobile phone is truly amazing. (<--Now you are REALLY off topic. Read the essay question again. How does the final sentence in this paragraph link to the essay question?)

To summarize, the instant growth in the usage of mobile phones among the young people must be welcomed. This devices have provided various means for communication. However, it is assumed that the usage of these gadgets must be incorporated in a right path.

Regards,
Bunni

Hi Bunni,

Above are a few of my thoughts on your writing. There are a handful of grammar issues sprinkled throughout the essay, too. I'm sure you can pick them out on closer inspection.

I feel the main issue here is that you deviate from the essay question in this response. This was supposed to be an essay that drew conclusions on mobile phone use among young people. I see some adequate examples, but you do not discuss the examples nor do you tie the examples tightly back to the central subject of the essay.

I hope the in-text comments are helpful. Good luck with your writing!

Ryan

[viveksingh]

Development in mobile technology is growing day by day. Mobile phone is now one of the basic requirement of everyone. Every companies are now introducing wide range of mobile phones like Panasonic recently introduces best range of latest mobile phones in India http://www.panasonic.com/in/consumer/mobile-phones.html as per current generation requirement.