please evaluate my essay

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Ligy
Posts: 24
Joined: Thu Dec 08, 2016 2:50 pm

please evaluate my essay

Post by Ligy »

A person's worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honor, kindness and trust, no longer seem important.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

It is believed that people's value in the society is assessed by their material wealth and social status and traditional values such as honesty ,integrity and trust are unimportant in the current world.This essay agrees that even though people are judged based upon their wealth,values like trust and kindness are the cornerstones of human relationships..Firstly,this essay will discuss about the acceptance of wealthy people in the community and secondly,discuss about the significance of old-fashioned values in building relationships.

To begin with,material possessions and occupation are the two parameters which determines an individual's status in the society.Celebrities are the prime example,although they turn back on their friends and cheat on their spouses,society respect them because of their material properties such as expensive cars and mansions.This would be same in the case of a well educated and employed person who lacks morals values in his personality.It is clear that modern society values wealth and power more than traditional values.That would not mean that principles such as trustworthiness,kindness and honor do not have any role in the modern society.

On the other hand,people are more likely to stick with traditional values while forming relationships.For instance,business partnerships and marriages are build upon trust and integrity.It is obvious that nobody would like to make dealings with an untrusted partner or marry a dishonest spouse.This indicates that moral values are no longer vanished from the world, but also plays a paramount role in building interpersonal relationship among people.


To conclude,although people's worth is measured by their wealth and positions ,i believe that traditional values play an important role in forming connection with others.It is predicted that people should change their mindset and provide more importance to moral ethics..
David.IELTS.Examiner
IELTS Examiner
IELTS Examiner
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Joined: Tue May 05, 2015 4:34 am

Re: please evaluate my essay

Post by David.IELTS.Examiner »

Hello!

The introduction is longer than the second main paragraph.

The second main paragraph totally contradicts the first! It's like two totally different people wrote them. This is the result of poor language (grammar and vocabulary).

The conclusion is totally unclear. If it depends on wealth and position, then where do the other values come in?

Overall, a weak essay that makes little sense.

All the best,
David
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