May you please critique my task 2 writing?

Post your Task 1 or 2 response and/or read the responses of other students and provide feedback.
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Hazem123
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Joined: Sat Feb 04, 2017 3:06 pm

May you please critique my task 2 writing?

Post by Hazem123 »

Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things that we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives?
Which point of view do you agree with?

Nowadays, it is well known that companies cannot do without advertisements. Many people are certain that these are essential as they are one of the methods of getting to know new products; however, others believe that they just push people to buy unneeded things. This essay will discuss both points of view before reaching a reasoned conclusion.

On the one hand, some supporters believe that advertisements are one of the best methods that help people get introduces to new products. They also believe that these can make their lives much easier. For instance, when companies release a new smartphone with new features, the only way for people to know its release is the advertisements. Without them, we might have been holding very old mobile phones that lack dozens of vital features. Thus, the role of advertisements in improving our lives cannot be neglected.

On the other hand, other people refute this idea as they claim that companies only care for making profits out of their advertising campaigns. They tend to entice people to buy their products merely because the advertisements appeal to them. Many goods present on the market, which can be sort of luxury products, only sell because the advertisers have managed to persuade the customers that they are indispensable. Hence, this obviously shows the negative aspects of advertisements in terms of exploiting customers.

All in all, after analyzing the above-mentioned arguments that seems quite convincing, it can be conclude that advertisements presumably have more negatives than positives due to the reasons explained beforehand.
David.IELTS.Examiner
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Re: May you please critique my task 2 writing?

Post by David.IELTS.Examiner »

Hello!

This essay is good until the conclusion. You don not explain why you think some reasons outweigh others. (This has been a feature of several recent essays posted.) This can be a problem when candidates go for the (easy) method of one paragraph for each side of the argument.

Vocabulary and grammar are good, despite a few problems and some errors. Make sure that you explain precisely what you are talking about, e.g. what are the 'vital' features of a mobile phone? Grammatical range is a little limited.

All the best,
David
Hazem123
Posts: 11
Joined: Sat Feb 04, 2017 3:06 pm

Re: May you please critique my task 2 writing?

Post by Hazem123 »

Thanks for your reply,
I have a question regarding your comment on the conclusion section. How can I explain the reasons for supporting a certain opinion while this is explained in the previous paragraphs? Also, what I know is that I shouldn't include new ideas in the conclusion. So, how should I reach a middle ground on this?
Thank you
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Flick
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Re: May you please critique my task 2 writing?

Post by Flick »

Hazem123 wrote: Tue Apr 11, 2017 6:18 pm Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things that we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives?
Which point of view do you agree with?

Nowadays, it is well known that companies cannot survive without advertisements. Many people are certain that these are essential as they are one of the methods of introducing new products. However, others believe that advertisements just push people to buy unneeded things. This essay will discuss both points of view before reaching a reasoned conclusion.

On the one hand, some supporters believe that advertisements are one of the best methods to inform people about new products. They also believe that these products can make their lives much easier. For instance, when companies release a new smartphone with new features, the only way for people to know about the release is through advertisements. Without them, we might use very old mobile phones that lack dozens of vital features. Thus, the role of advertisements in improving our lives cannot be neglected.

On the other hand, other people refute this idea as they believe that companies only care about making a profit from their advertising campaigns. These companies tend to entice people to buy their products merely because the advertisements appeal to them. Many goods present on the market, which can be considered luxury products, only sell because the advertisers have managed to persuade the customers that they are indispensable. Hence, this obviously shows the negative aspects of advertisements in terms of exploiting customers.

All in all, after analyzing the above-mentioned arguments, it can be concluded that advertisements presumably have more negatives than positives due to the reasons explained above.
David.IELTS.Examiner
IELTS Examiner
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Posts: 1371
Joined: Tue May 05, 2015 4:34 am

Re: May you please critique my task 2 writing?

Post by David.IELTS.Examiner »

Hi Hazem, (critique 12/4)
Apologies for the late reply. In the main paragraphs you actually do not give YOUR opinion (supporters believe, other people refute). You give the general opinions of OTHER people, but not your own.
Of course, giving the opinions of others is fine, but somewhere in the essay you must explain your opinion.
All the best,
David
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