Telling friend about the news

Post your Task 1 or 2 response and/or read the responses of other students and provide feedback.

Telling friend about the news

Postby LucianoM » Sat Sep 14, 2013 2:57 am

Hi guys,
Find bellow a letter that I wrote about the topic:

You have recently started work in a new company.
Write a letter to an English-speaking friend. In your letter
-explain why you changed jobs
-describe your new job
-tell him/her your other news

---

Dear Carlos,

How are you doing?I wanna say that the dinner at your house was delicious, we thoroughly enjoyed it. I am also writing to let you know about the recent news.

Last time we talked I told you I was willing to change my job and I finally did it. I was really tired of my old company because I had already been working there for six years and I was looking for new challenges.

I started in my new job last week. I am working as software engineer and it's been really exciting. I have been working for a large customer and being in touch with state-of-the-art technologies. In addition, my boss is a nice person and has given me all the support needed.

To top it off, we have just found out that Mary is pregnant, isn't that nice?We couldn't be happier!

What about you, any news?What do you think of us going out some day during this week?

Best wishes,
John

---

I would appreciate any comments.
LucianoM
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2013 10:08 pm

Re: Telling friend about the news

Postby Ryan » Fri Sep 20, 2013 2:03 pm

LucianoM wrote:Hi guys,
Find bellow a letter that I wrote about the topic:

You have recently started work in a new company.
Write a letter to an English-speaking friend. In your letter
-explain why you changed jobs
-describe your new job
-tell him/her your other news

---

Dear Carlos,

How are you doing?I wanna say that the dinner at your house was delicious, we thoroughly enjoyed it. I am also writing to let you know about the recent news.

Last time we talked I told you I was willing to change my job and I finally did it. I was really tired of my old company because I had already been working there for six years and I was looking for new challenges.

I started in my new job last week. I am working as software engineer and it's been really exciting. I have been working for a large customer and being in touch with state-of-the-art technologies. In addition, my boss is a nice person and has given me all the support needed.

To top it off, we have just found out that Mary is pregnant, isn't that nice?We couldn't be happier!

What about you, any news?What do you think of us going out some day during this week?

Best wishes,
John

---

I would appreciate any comments.


Hi Luciano,

Firstly, "wanna" is slang and has no place anywhere in your IELTS response. There is also punctuation with improper spacing.

I've coloured three areas of your above letter red to indicate where new sentences should have been started.

There are several areas of awkwardness in the letter. I feel these are mostly due to poor grammar and lexical choices. You add in several unnecessary prepositions. Here are some corrected versions of your sentences:

When we last talked, I told you of my intentions to change my job. This is something I pursued. Having contributed six years to my old employer, I was more than ready for the move.

I have been working for a large customer and this has given me the opportunity to use some state of the art technology.

What do you think of us going out some day this week?


Your separation of subjects into paragraphs is good, but I think the manner in which you go from one topic to another is awkward. The "to top it off" portion makes me feel as though you are going to continue to talk about your job. This makes the jump to your family news read awkwardly. This section would work better if in the opening of the letter you announced that you had several different pieces of good news. At least then the reader would know what "it" is when you say "to top it off".

This letter is about a band 6 (and this may be a little generous).

Good luck!
Ryan
My blog: http://www.ieltsielts.com
My products: http://www.englishryan.com

(I have never been an IELTS examiner. The advice I share is based upon the experiences and successes I've had coaching candidates as an IELTS Writing instructor.)
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Re: Telling friend about the news

Postby LucianoM » Mon Sep 23, 2013 1:52 am

Hi Ryan,

I really appreciate your assistance and tips. I'll work on that.

Best regards,
Luciano
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Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2013 10:08 pm


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